Anxiety who?

It is never too late to be what you might have been

T.S Elliot

17 days ago I stopped taking my anxiety medication. 17 days ago I decided I wanted to feel again, to experience the highs and lows of life, to walk through life completely aware of my surroundings, embracing my emotions rather than having them numbed by medication. For 4 years I have been medicated, relying on a tiny tablet to increase the amount of serotonin in my brain, then the above quote landed in my inbox and I realised it was time to be 'me' again. 

I had already started the slow, arduous task of reducing my dose, over the last 8 months I have gone from taking 40mgs every day to 10mgs every other day to nothing. Don't get me wrong I still carry the pack around with me, even now as I sit on the sofa the knowledge that they are in my purse brings me a reassuring amount of comfort, should I need them I know they are there but I am determined to not succumb.  

The last 17 days haven't been easy, I have experienced a ridiculous amount of emotional highs and lows all of which were out of my control and yet I am still here, still determined and still going strong. 

I am excited to see what life is like without the comforting blanket of Citalopram.

Underneath

I live a lie. If you met me you'd never guess the battles I fight with anxiety and an eating disorder. I would sit opposite you with a coffee having 'eaten earlier' or feigning no appetite. I would hold a conversation, laugh and appear to have it all. You wouldn't see how much preparation had gone into meeting - the outfit changes, the pep talks, checking menus online should I absolutely have to eat with you. I have mastered the ability to just blend in, I don't stand out, I don't demand attention. You probably walk past many people like me every day, individuals desperately trying to look like they have everything under control as they slowly crumble away. 

I don't know which me is 'me' anymore. I have spent so long projecting the 'everything's fine' lie that I actually really do find myself believing that's the truth. In my messed up mind not eating has become the norm, pushing my body to breaking point is just what people do, denying myself treats just demonstrates will power. In the most underhand way possible my eating disorder has penetrated my soul and started to make me believe that she is correct. On the outside I have my shit together - I talk about needing to book a doctors appointment because I am spiralling downwards yet I haven't picked up the phone. I can tell people what they want to hear, to keep them from knocking on my door, yet I appear to be incapable of helping myself.

Don't be fooled by my appearance, I may be smiling but scratch the surface and I am falling apart. 

Realisation

A year ago I was out of control, my anxiety was gathering momentum and my eating was non existent, no one asked me what was wrong because no one knew - I had become an expert at painting a face on and pretending everything was ok. A year later, with my anxiety under control thanks to medication, I am able to reflect. Sure my husband being away didn't help, but that wasn't it. I spent my days teaching, talking to parents and children and menial topics, but they aren't my friends/family so I could hardly open up to them. I arrived home to a cold, dark, empty house during the week, often late at night so I would go straight to bed. I had no one to talk too and no one to reassure me that I was doing ok. Stupidly I didn't even tell Stuart what I was feeling because I didn't want him worrying when he was away.

Now I know that I need to talk, to vent my worries, my anger and frustration, it's ok to feel alone but it's not ok to let the anxiety win. I'm not yet in a place where my GP feels she can reduce my tablets, so I am aware that the way I'm feeling right now might not be 'me', but I'm well on the way to winning the fight. A year ago I never believed I would feel like this, who knows where I may be this time next year.

Down and almost out

The past week has been tough, the eating disorder has well and truly sucked the life out of me. I've become used to sailing through life in a bit of a mist recently however things have taken a turn for the worst. I seem to have lost my feelings - I am incapable of feeling anything well except for anger and frustration, those feelings are well and truly showing their ugly faces. 

Since the anxiety first reared it's head I have prided myself on being able to carry on working, I have painted a smile on my face every day for the past year, gritted my teeth and kept on going and now I find I can't. For the past couple of weeks I've lost the love I have for work, I am struggling to get myself motivated, my brain is a fog of mixed up thoughts. I so desperately want to be moving forward with my treatment yet I'm not sure how, I want to scream and cry and shout but I have spent so long behind my mask that I now can't escape. 

This eating disorder has taken so much of my life I am determined to not let it take anymore, however I am reaching out to you for ideas on how I can pull myself out of the stupor I have found myself in. Any and all ideas welcome.

Secrets

Secrets can be a great thing, I am currently planning ideas for my husband to help celebrate our first wedding anniversary and I want him to be completely surprised with his gifts, however not all secrets are good. There are secrets that we keep, those that we hide deep down inside ourselves so that other people don't judge us, today I shared one of my secrets on the lovely Jennys blog. I decided to share it there because I just didn't have the strength to publish it here, I can't tell you why, I had it all typed up but when the mouse was hovering over the publish button I started to panic, I came out in a cold sweat and realised that the only way to get it out was to ask someone else for help.

I believe that sharing the secrets that are harming us is the best way to start healing, therefore I am hoping that today will be the first step forward. 

Breakthrough

This weekend was a breakthrough for me, yes I still controlled what I ate, yes I was highly aware of my surroundings, but for the first time in a long long time I felt free of the anxiety. I was myself, I had a giggle, a drink, I felt relaxed and happy. Happy is something that I had forgotten about, I can force a smile and laugh with the best of them but it was all a lie, not this weekend, this weekend I chatted with my best friend and her family, made friends whilst Stuart was playing cricket and spent less time in my head than normal. I know I am not 'better' that the road I am on is a long one, one with many twists and turns but this weekend has shown me that deep down inside I am still there, the person I was before the anxiety crept up and took over my life.

Progress:
I chatted with strangers without worrying about what they thought of me, I felt less self conscious than normal, I ate real food, I was happy - really happy, I smiled, I laughed. 

The above list may seem small to some people but for me it is just the breakthrough I needed to know that I should keep battling on. The anxiety and food issues aren't just going to disappear, the urges to control calories, up my exercise regime, the fear of disappointing people or what will happen if I say no haven't vanished but the fire in my belly has been reignited and I am ready to fight and fight hard to be the person I was before.  

Who Am I?

I am Idealistic,
I am Fearful,
I am a Women with a childlike imagination,
I am a Dreamer and a Realist,
I am Scared and Optimistic,
I can be painfully Shy,
I am a Wife and a Partner,
I am a Daughter and a Sister,
I am a Friend,
I am a Christian with a scientific mind,
I am a Believer,
I am a bunch of Contradictions in a dress,
I am a messed up bunch of Emotions,
I am a Worrier,
I am Scared,
I am a blur in the Mirror,
I have no idea what I actually look like,
I am an Anxiety Sufferer.
I am on a path with no signs, a journey with no end and I have a future with no clear picture.

This is me.

Getting There

This week I feel I have turned a corner, my doctor isn't so sure, but for the first time in a long long time I am looking forward to the future, I am planing a life with my husband free of worries and I am aware that I am more in control of my emotions than I have been for a while. The reason for the change is that I am focusing a lot of my energies on this, this post started me thinking and I am now very close to launching a new idea designed to help other people. I have decided that I want to see the flowers and instead of focusing on the negative things in my life I am determined to notice the light around me.

Apologies

I just wanted to apologise for not blogging for a while, I have so many ideas in my head but I have been feeling so overwhelmed with the anxiety and a return of my endometriosis pain that I have been unable to find the motivation to sit and blog. There are lots of questions running around in my head which I have no answers too and they are slowly sucking what little energy I do have away. In the past two weeks I have tried to reach out to friends I don't want to lose and have been given nothing back in return, I think I have slowly realised that there really is no way back for us, and whilst this is hurting me like crazy I think it is the only way for me to be able to move on.

I also haven't been sleeping too well again recently and have been taking afternoon naps to help me get through the day, if anyone has any ideas on what I could be doing to help myself I'd really appreciate any tips you can give me.

Grief

Grief is a funny thing, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and changes everything in the blink of an eye. This weekend I experienced just that, Saturday had been a lovely day, spent exploring the local seaside with friends, dinner and a few glasses of wine, then I had the sudden realisation that it was a friends birthday, a friend who has cut me out of her life. In the blink of an eye I had gone from having lots of fun to being unable to stop the tears from falling, I can't tell you why I was upset because I really don't know, but I do know that the pain I felt at that moment in time was very real, I struggled to breathe, my legs gave way and I was incapable of forming complete sentences.

I don't have a lot of experience with grief and for that I am grateful, however at the minute I am overwhelmed by loneliness and crippled with insecurity. Saturday was just another harsh realisation of how vulnerable I am feeling at the minute.

I Get Knocked Down

Last week was tough, not only did I have the nasty bug that has been doing the rounds, I also had a relapse in my anxiety treatment. I can't tell you what triggered the relapse but I woke up on the Monday morning paralysed with fear that something was about to go wrong, I obsessed constantly about Stuart driving to and from work, about how I was going to get to work and about whether or not I had secured the house before leaving. Other than going to work I find it pretty much impossible to leave the house, I spent my days doing nothing but disappearing into the world of books - an old habit from when I was younger.
I let the anxiety take over my life for a week and I didn't like how it left me feeling, I was miserable, vulnerable, ashamed and most of all desperate to get back onto the right path again. Stuart was my saviour, he reassured me that I could pick myself back up again, and that I was allowed relapses as long as I didn't let the anxiety win every time. After a break away from social media and this blog I am now ready to face the big wide world again, taking small steps I know that eventually I will get to the point I was at only a couple of weeks ago and continue on the long path to an anxiety free life.

Thank you for sticking with me xx

An Open Letter...

Dear Anxiety,

I don't remember when you started to creep into my surroundings, a whisper of trouble, a flicker on my horizon, a ghost of doubt in my mind. I do remember feeling you every now and again, the sudden terror on a walk home, the silent voice telling me something bad was going to happen, sucking me under your wing, taking over my body like a parasite. I remember the day I gave into you again like it was yesterday, a massive panic attack at St Pancras station caused by nothing but your hands manipulating me. I gave up that day, let you suck the energy and life out of me, living each day as a shell unable to feel emotions or vocalise how I felt.

I'm not sure what changed but one morning and knew it was either you or me, speaking out made me realise there was hope - I was inundated with messages of support on twitter and through this blog which has become a place where I can spill my fears without fear of judgement, seeing a doctor who wanted to help me fight you, all this made me want to fight you with a determination that I would not let you win, that I wouldn't become a a lost soul you had feasted on and then left behind. Sure there are days when I indulge you, when the subconscious part of me wins, days I can't leave the house or eat, I'm constantly ashamed of the days when you are stronger than me. Recently though I have noticed the days you aren't there, when seeing new born lambs and the buds of blossom on the trees fills me with a hope that one day I'll beat you and reemerge from the behind the walls I've built around myself. I know that there will come a time when you are a part of my past, a bully that I've beaten, a small a rather than the capital at the start of this letter. Until that day I will continue to take comfort from the hours, minutes and days where I am stronger than you realise.

This is one battle that you will not win.

Gemma

Last Week...

Last week was really tough for me, I'm not sure why but I just could not shake off the anxiety it followed me wherever I went, in spite of this I have still managed to put together a small list of the things that made last week slightly more bearable.

Dinner out with the husband, planning my moms birthday, knowing there is a trip home next weekend, compliments from parents, getting started on show dances, getting engrossed in a book, long chats with my mom, the sun making a brief experience, seeing baby lambs in the fields, the start of blossom on the trees. 

A big thank you also has to go to you guys for reading my blog and for all the encouraging messages you have sent me xxx

Last week...

Last week I decided to start a series of posts on a Monday which helped me reflect on the good things that had happened the week before, rather than concentrate on the times the anxiety got on top of me. To me this means I start each week with a celebration of everything I have achieved no matter how small they may mean to anyone else.

This week I:

Choreographed an amazing pointe dance, enjoyed a candlelit dinner with my husband, got lots of cuddles from the children I teach, was praised by a mom for my hard work, had an incredible put the world to right chat with my mom, leant that I cannot change the past, visited Starbucks alone without it turning into a panic attack, reached out for help, enjoyed some me time without worrying about what I needed to get done.

I may have felt the grip of anxiety on every day last week, but every time I did I managed to overcome it, to breathe and to let the rational part of my brain take over.

3 days!

As Monday draws to a close I have sat back, had a little think about the last couple of days and then it hit me - I've had three whole days of no anxiety whatsoever. Days full of laughter, sunshine, talking and understanding. I know tomorrow could be horrible, that I might struggle to be motivated, that I might want to lie in my PJs all day watching rubbish TV, but this weekend has proven that I can and will get better. I wanted to put this on the blog so that the next time I am feeling down I can look back at this and remember just how good it felt to not feel tied down by anxiety.

Masks

Monday afternoon I sat with a cup of tea watching the snow fall and marvelling at how it makes everything it touches so pretty and magical, I know underneath nothing has changed but in that moment the quiet, white blanket offered me hope. My current battle with anxiety is like the snow, I can't stop it from coming or control where and when I have the panic attacks, but, much like the snow, I can take comfort in knowing that underneath is the same carefree girl I was before.

At the minute I can get dressed up, do my hair, make up and plaster on a smile but underneath it all the anxiety remains, a silent reminder that although I look ok I'm actually not. The tablets I take every morning, the tears I cry for no reason. the complete helplessness I feel, the isolation I sometimes feel in a room full of people are constant, daily reminders that my body is out of sync.

For now I live day to day, planning weekend activities with my husband and rewarding myself on the days I feel I have accomplished something. My make up and smile are my mask, I can hide my true feelings behind them, only revealing them in public to a trusted few. Rather than battle with my anxiety I have decided to embrace it, learn my strengths, discover who my real friends are, take time each day to be grateful for all that I have and to be thankful for all the small moments I manage to overcome.
I know I am at the beginning of an incredibly long, winding road one with many twists and turns, but with determination and persistence I know I'll come out the other side.

Moving forward

If my ongoing battles with anxiety have taught me anything it is that you don't know who your real friends are until you really need them. I have been shocked by the people that have been by my side, sending me messages of reassurance and organising evenings out so that I don't sit at home and let the anxiety win, equally I have been left feeling upset by the people who aren't there, those who have ignored my cries for help from as far back as September, who have systematically cut me out of their lives and acted as though they have done nothing wrong. I have also learnt the power of social media, especially twitter, I have been overwhelmed with the amount of messages from complete strangers who have reassured me that my feelings are perfectly normal, giving advice on how to cope with those moments when life feels completely overwhelming  or just sending a picture to make me smile. There are people on twitter who have gone out of their way to make sure I am feeling ok - with almost daily lovely messages from Belle Du Brighton and Country Girl Does Norfolk to surprise gift packages from Dino Princess Char these girls have kept me smiling, kept my spirits up and made me realise that the world is full of lovely people who care.

Losing my stuffing....

For a long time it felt as though the light at the end of the tunnel had gone out, I felt like a failure and I was constantly worrying about everything and anything. Desperately I tried to cling onto some strand of reality as I felt it all slip through my fingers, outwardly I put on a brave face but inside I was drowning. For a while I felt like I was surviving, treading water just hard enough to keep my head above water, smiling just enough to convince people I was doing ok, until one day I wasn't surviving anymore. I had a huge panic attack in the middle of St Pancras station, I honesty felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was about to die and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, it was in this moment that I realised I had to see a doctor, that I couldn't continue just surviving, that I wanted to be the old Gemma again.

Unfortunately the realisation that I needed to see a doctor fell in the middle of the festive period so I had to wait until last week before I could get an appointment. I struggled through Christmas, putting on a brave face and trying as best I could to enjoy myself, I'm sure many people realised that things weren't right but I carried on regardless. The doctors appointment was a revelation, I couldn't have asked for a nicer more understanding doctor. She listened and agreed that I was right to have seen her, after filling in some questionnaires and explaining all my endless symptoms she gave me a prescription for some anti anxiety tablets which I am hoping will start to help soon, alongside the tablets I am also going to be attending counselling sessions to try and get to the bottom of why the anxiety attacks have started again so suddenly.

So that is where I am now, waiting for the tablets to kick in and desperately hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel comes back.