Wednesday, 13 March 2013

An Open Letter...

Dear Anxiety,

I don't remember when you started to creep into my surroundings, a whisper of trouble, a flicker on my horizon, a ghost of doubt in my mind. I do remember feeling you every now and again, the sudden terror on a walk home, the silent voice telling me something bad was going to happen, sucking me under your wing, taking over my body like a parasite. I remember the day I gave into you again like it was yesterday, a massive panic attack at St Pancras station caused by nothing but your hands manipulating me. I gave up that day, let you suck the energy and life out of me, living each day as a shell unable to feel emotions or vocalise how I felt.

I'm not sure what changed but one morning and knew it was either you or me, speaking out made me realise there was hope - I was inundated with messages of support on twitter and through this blog which has become a place where I can spill my fears without fear of judgement, seeing a doctor who wanted to help me fight you, all this made me want to fight you with a determination that I would not let you win, that I wouldn't become a a lost soul you had feasted on and then left behind. Sure there are days when I indulge you, when the subconscious part of me wins, days I can't leave the house or eat, I'm constantly ashamed of the days when you are stronger than me. Recently though I have noticed the days you aren't there, when seeing new born lambs and the buds of blossom on the trees fills me with a hope that one day I'll beat you and reemerge from the behind the walls I've built around myself. I know that there will come a time when you are a part of my past, a bully that I've beaten, a small a rather than the capital at the start of this letter. Until that day I will continue to take comfort from the hours, minutes and days where I am stronger than you realise.

This is one battle that you will not win.



  1. You are strong, you are brave and you will get through this. xxxxxxxx

    1. Thank you so much Kellie, you have no idea just how much that means to me xxxx

  2. You are so strong Gemma, I know you will beat this. Keep your eyes focussed on the positivity in everything x