Dying to live

Before I continue with this blog post I want you to be well aware that it may be triggering. If you are feeling vulnerable then I urge you to not carry on reading.

The past few weeks have been really hard on me and as a result I've found myself relapsing quite badly. Whilst I don't currently want to share the circumstances that have led to my current state I know that my mental well being has deteriorated because of the situation I found myself in. For me when things start spiralling out of control i find myself restricting in order to feel on top of one area of my life.

I am aware that relapsing is unfortunately part of the recovery process, that sometimes we need to go backwards in order to see the progress we have made. This time it feels different though, there was no gradual descent, instead I fell straight back into Ana's trap. Rather than taking a few steps backwards I feel like I am right back at the start again. Once again I am surviving on next to nothing, existing on coffee and diet coke, relying on an adrenaline kick to get me through hours of dancing. I am constantly exhausted, my body is craving sleep, my skin bruising at the slightest knock. I am always cold.

My therapist has been incredible, she provides a safe haven, a place where I can cry, a sanctuary to talk through my deepest darkest demons without fear of repercussions. None of this helps, I am constantly aware of the amount of people I have let down by relapsing, talking openly about my struggles doesn't make me brave it merely proves that I am human. 

Today's therapy session ended with me being told that I either fight harder than ever or I slowly kill myself. They are tough words for anyone to hear, ultimately my future will be decided by what path I decide to take now. I will fight harder than I've ever fought for anything in my life. I want a future, I want to live.

To all those people who have contacted me thanking me for helping them, I will fight this for you.

Editing life

Therapy sessions are never fun, they force us to delve into our subconscious and reveal all those idiosyncrasies we try so hard to keep hidden away. There are no secrets, no edited pasts, our true selves are on display for a stranger to analyse and make sense of.

I must admit I found therapy hard at first, talking so intimately with a stranger was completely out of my comfort zone, as the weeks have progressed I've found then comforting, they are a place for me to talk about how I really feel without fear of upsetting anyone. Therapy has made me realise how much of myself I edit in order to please other people. A glance at my Facebook page reveals little of my current struggles, little of the anxiety and the battles I fight every day - there life is peachy, a perfect snapshot. On twitter I am more open, I find it easier to share my feelings, perhaps because it's to people who understand my battles, who can offer support and advice to keep me going. Even here on my blog, a place where I can truly be myself I still find myself editing life, I don't write about arguments with my husbands, disagreements with friends etc... I wonder why I find it so hard to be truly honest with myself? Has ana played her nastiest trick yet? Am I simply unable to see all the good because I am drowning in the murky waters below, I hope not, desperately. 

My life isn't perfect of course it isn't, but it is pretty damn good. Having an eating disorder is (unfortunately) part of me, a part that will never go away, so I have to learn to embrace it, to overcome, to shout proudly from the rooftops that I am a fighter. Therapy has taught me to listen to myself, to not beat myself up for imagined failures but to celebrate the positives. From here on in I have made a promise to myself to stop editing, to record my life as it is warts and all, after all what is the point of creating a reminder of life if it isn't my life?

Inspire

Last night, whilst lying in bed not sleeping, I started thinking about the reasons why I blog. Yes it will be nice in the future to look back and see how far I have come and how much I developed as a person, yes I enjoy being able to write down my thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement, but much more than that I want to inspire someone. I want someone to read my jumbled up thoughts and realise that they are not alone, to know that I understand how they are feeling, for them to know that it is ok to reach out and ask for help. 

For a long time I felt alone, I thought I was alone, that no-one else could possibly understand how I felt, I mean I didn't understand so there was no way I could explain to someone else. My brain was a bunch of contradictions which I could not begin to fathom out. Even now - a year down the line, with a body pumped full of anti anxiety tablets and weekly therapy sessions to help me figure out what is going on - I still don't know how to unravel the thoughts in my head. I have discovered that it is ok to be scared, that it is ok to ask for help, thanks to twitter I have a network of support that I never believed could exist. Complete strangers send me messages to make sure I am ok, they reassure me when I am in the middle of a bad day and they are there to congratulate me when things go well, I have no words to express my thanks and gratitude to them but I will be eternally grateful for those kind strangers who have rescued me from myself.

So dear reader, you may be reading this because you have followed my blog from the start (thanks!!) or you may have stumbled across this post at a time when you feel alone, I want to tell you that you aren't, there are people out there who want to help, who will help and who won't judge no matter what you have to tell them. Remember what you have overcome in the past, the obstacles you have conquered and know that I BELIEVE IN YOU. I am nowhere near recovered but I am so much further along than I was a year ago, yes it is hard, yes there are days when I don't want to get out of bed, when I don't want to fight anymore, but I know that one day I will get there, you will too. Believe in yourself.

 

Struggle

I am trying so hard believe me I am, I don't want this blog to be somewhere where all I do is complain but I'm just not sure I am coping all that well at the minute. It is easy for me to paint a smile on my face, often behind a mask of foundation, to pretend that everything is ok but deep down it really isn't. I count calories obsessively - I can't allow myself to go above a certain amount each day no matter how hungry I become. I exercise, not for the buzz it gives me but because I know I am burning fat. I am constantly cold, I can't sleep, my body feels every knock, I am covered in bruises, I am full of self loathing and every single day I fight a battle no one else can see.

I feel like a failure, I wanted to be able to document my victory against my eating disorder, but right now I'm not winning, I am failing miserably. I am cranky, my moods are up and down - my poor husband doesn't know if he is coming or going. I want to fight with everything I have but at the minute my eating disorder is stronger than me.

Every time I pick the lowest calorie food available or I go without food I let myself down, I let Stuart down, I let down my friends and family and most importantly of all I let down all those people who believe I can be stronger, who believe I can fight and who believe I will get better. All I can do is promise to keep trying, promise to keep fighting and promise to be the best that I can be.