Disappointed

Today I was supposed to have a laparoscopy to treat Endometriosis. Today was a day I had built up in my head, a day for answers, the start of a painfree existance. Instead the operation got cancelled, thanks to a UTI I am now back playing the waiting game.

To say I am broken hearted is an understatement, I am struggling to pick myself up and get over the disappointment if I am being completely honest.

Stupid body, stupid UTI, stupid endometriosis.

Silently Screaming

The last few weeks have been really tough, spending four days in hospital between Christmas and the New Year meant that I didn't start 2015 in the best possible way. Over the last 4 weeks I have had countless blood tests, scans and appointments with my GP (who fortunately is fantastic and really seems to understand my need to have answers). After being referred onto a gynaecologist things have really started to move forward now, I have been really fortunate that my local private hospital accepts NHS patients so rather than waiting for an appointment to come through I was seen within 2 weeks. My consultant is an incredible man who has vowed to get to the bottom of the pain, after 4 months of pain you can understand my relief that the end may be in sight. My consultant has already told me that he is certain the endometriosis has returned and that the only way of being sure is to go in and have a look - he has agreed to remove my appendix at the same time (over the years whenever I have had a flare up I have spent at least 24 hours on a ward being observed for appendicitis not having an appendix rules this out immediately). Whilst I am getting close to finding out the reason for the constant pain the questions keep building up.

Could I be responsible? Has my battle with an eating disorder turned my body against me? Has my body finally crumpled under the immense amount of stress I have put it under? Of course the logical part of my brain says that I haven't given myself endometriosis, that unfortunately this is just the hand I have been dealt in life, that logic doesn't help though. I have lost track of the amount of times I have cried, silently sobbing, my chest heaving and my body crumbling as I try to cope with the pain and keep on going. There is one question, a question that has been floating around my brain for a couple of years now, a question with an answer I still don't think I am strong enough to face, that of my own fertility.

Ever since I was a young girl I have always wanted to be mummy, it never crossed my mind growing up that I wouldn't be able to. Even when I was diagnosed in my early twenties I still didn't really think there would be any problems, now though is time to face up to facts. I don't have regular periods, I never have, unless I have tests done there is no way of knowing for sure that I ovulate every month. I always anticipated that when the time was right I would just get pregnant, now that seems like a ridiculous notion. I can't imagine myself having a child, I think my brain has almost blocked the idea to protect me from any possible heartache down the line. After the laparoscopy it will be time to invest my fertility, I don't know that I am in the right place to find out now but then again I don't know if I will ever be in the right place.

2015 looks like it will be the year for answers, good or bad. Whatever the outcome I will have to face facts, brush myself down and continue moving forward with my life. 

Christmas Day picture because why not?!

Baby

This weekend it was my husbands birthday so we had a few people round for a BBQ to celebrate, my sister in law brought along my adorable nephew and niece and like a bolt of lightening it hit me - I really want a baby. I've always wanted a family, but it was something that was way off in the future, I didn't want a baby straight after getting married because I wanted to be selfish and have Stuart to myself for a couple of years first. In my head there were things I wanted to achieve in life before becoming a mommy - I wanted us to own our own house, to have had amazing holidays that were just for us, to see the world, to have firm ideas where our careers were heading, but I realised this weekend that we can still do all those things just with a baby in tow. We both love to travel and sure we would have to take more luggage but what child doesn't want to experience new things?

I know having a baby isn't going to be that easy, not only do I already have a diagnosis of Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries to deal with, I also have the eating disorder. Its not simply a case of jumping into bed together and then 9 months later giving birth to a baby who is the perfect blend of us both. I need to have regular periods - something that hasn't happened since I was 21, I need my body to able to support not only me but also a baby who would rely on me for everything. At the minute I can barely look after myself let alone support a growing baby too, but I figured that I need a goal, I need my eating disorder to know that I want something more than I need her in my life.

Is having a baby going to be hard, you bet your life it is. At the minute I struggle to let my husband see me naked, let alone have sex with me - the way I understand it sex is important in the baby making process!! I have a fear of gaining any weight at all, my life is controlled by calories and food and how I am going to make it through each day without 'being greedy'. I don't want to get older and discover that the eating disorder has ruined my chances of conceiving, I know there is a chance that my body is already damaged beyond repair, but I really believe that I am destined to have children. If I can't conceive naturally then I want to adopt - but again I need to be able to prove that I can take care of myself before I can be responsible for another human being.

I am not going to let my eating disorder ruin any more of my life, I need to stop letting her win battles, I need to learn how to block her voice out, I need to remember that every time I give into her I am pushing that baby further away,

Apologies

I just wanted to apologise for not blogging for a while, I have so many ideas in my head but I have been feeling so overwhelmed with the anxiety and a return of my endometriosis pain that I have been unable to find the motivation to sit and blog. There are lots of questions running around in my head which I have no answers too and they are slowly sucking what little energy I do have away. In the past two weeks I have tried to reach out to friends I don't want to lose and have been given nothing back in return, I think I have slowly realised that there really is no way back for us, and whilst this is hurting me like crazy I think it is the only way for me to be able to move on.

I also haven't been sleeping too well again recently and have been taking afternoon naps to help me get through the day, if anyone has any ideas on what I could be doing to help myself I'd really appreciate any tips you can give me.

The Question

From the day I got engaged (February 24th 2011) I have been asked the very same question more times than I care to remember. From family to strangers and even the adverts that pop up on Facebook, everyone seems obsessed with knowing the very same thing, It's as though committing to one man for the rest of my life somehow signifies that I am ready to make another, much larger, commitment. You may wonder what the question could be that has plagued my life for the last two years is (although I'm sure you've already figured it out) it is of course the great pregnancy question. From subtle enquires about whether I like children or not to the more direct - you'll be having kids next, my answer never changes, I smile, make some non committal answer and then very quickly change the subject. Stuart and I were very open with each other before we got married about the subject of children, we would both adore to be parents, but selfishly we want to enjoy ourselves a bit first, go on ridiculous holidays, indulge hangovers, travel on a whim and enjoying some us time before we have children. Whenever I have mentioned this to other people I am greeted with various degrees of surprise, it seems that to some people I am abnormal, that not wanting to have children yet somehow makes me less of a woman. I could of course tell people the other reason why we aren't about to have children yet, that being a sufferer of polycystic ovaries and endometriosis means both Stuart and I are acutely aware of how difficult getting pregnant may be, that for the last 8 years I have slowly tried to come to terms with each diagnosis and how it will alter my life and the life I used to dream of as a little girl looking after her dolls. I have never been told that I can't have children, just that it might be difficult to conceive, at 26 I want to live my life, not spend days taking my temperature, trying to figure out when (if) I am ovulating and facing the potential disappointment that peeing on a stick each month may bring.  

I was brought up to believe in choices and to respect the choices other people make regardless of my own opinions on the matter. I find it offensive that other people feel the need to comment on the decision Stuart and I have taken, instead of looking at me like I've grown an extra head and giving Stuart a sympathetic look which loosely translates as 'I'm sorry that you have a wife who is different from everyone else'. 

I'm sure I am not the only girl out there who gets asked this question time and time again, how do other people deal with it?

Invisible

Five years ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis, a condition affecting approximately 2 million women in the UK and yet so few people understand what it is. I was diagnosed aged 21 after going backwards and forwards to the doctors since the age of 16 with the most horrendous stomach cramps, these were passed off as typical period pains and I left the doctors with medication and the idea that I was somehow lying about the pain, it wasn't until my final year of university in a health class that I realised something was wrong. We had a visiting lecturer who spoke to us about the importance of knowing our own bodies and knowing what was right and what was wrong. We were given a check list of things that we should be aware of and as I went through it I was shocked to see I could tick almost every one off, I went back to the doctor and was fobbed off yet again 'no periods because of my pill, pain is normal etc...'

I became incredibly depressed, I was signed off work and put on medication to help lift me out of the dark place I had found myself. I started to lose friends, I cancelled plans because of the pain, I became reclusive, tearful and resentful of the girls around me who were able to live normal, pain-free lives. In desperation I made one last doctors appointment, determined to leave with answers, I was lucky - I saw a female doctor who for 40 minutes listened to me as I poured my heart out and I left with an emergency referral to the hospital to find out what was wrong. Two weeks later I had an initial diagnosis, the ultrasound scan showed signs of polycystic ovarian syndrome which explained some of the symptoms but not all of them. Lucky for me the doctor was convinced there was something more and I was booked in for a Laparoscopy at the local hospital, finally I felt I was on the road to an answer, a diagnosis and treatment to help me live pain free. As I came round I was told they had found endometriosis in my womb, on my fallopian tubes and on my bowel, I had an answer and yet no treatment. Endometriosis is a horrible condition, one which cannot be treated the same way in every woman. I have tablets I can take when the pain gets too bad but these literally knock me out, but other than that I am left on my own.

Having a diagnosis doesn't make life easier. I live with the constant knowledge that having a child of my own will be difficult, this hangs over me like a cloud and affects my life in surprising ways. I can find out about someone being pregnant and cry for days, I look at young families and find myself aching to have that myself, one day in the not so distant future Stuart and I will have to think about beginning fertility tests, this idea scares me more than anything in the world. The idea that one day someone may tell me to consider other options is a heartbreaking one, one that I try to not think about and yet it creeps into my subconscious with alarming regularity.  

I'm writing this post not to preach or because I feel sorry for myself but because I want people to stop and think, just because you can't see something doesn't mean it isn't there. There are countless people out there who are suffering day in day out, if we have to cancel plans at the last minute take a moment to understand why before being annoyed and judging us. Take a minute to imagine spending a day in indescribable pain, unable to get out of bed and having so little energy even the most menial task is out of reach.

For now I attempt to look to the future positively, I have no control over what is going to happen and I am lucky that I have a husband and family who surround me with positivity.

For more information on Endometriosis visit http://www.endometriosis-uk.org/ and for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome visit http://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/