Monday afternoon I sat with a cup of tea watching the snow fall and marvelling at how it makes everything it touches so pretty and magical, I know underneath nothing has changed but in that moment the quiet, white blanket offered me hope. My current battle with anxiety is like the snow, I can't stop it from coming or control where and when I have the panic attacks, but, much like the snow, I can take comfort in knowing that underneath is the same carefree girl I was before.
At the minute I can get dressed up, do my hair, make up and plaster on a smile but underneath it all the anxiety remains, a silent reminder that although I look ok I'm actually not. The tablets I take every morning, the tears I cry for no reason. the complete helplessness I feel, the isolation I sometimes feel in a room full of people are constant, daily reminders that my body is out of sync.
For now I live day to day, planning weekend activities with my husband and rewarding myself on the days I feel I have accomplished something. My make up and smile are my mask, I can hide my true feelings behind them, only revealing them in public to a trusted few. Rather than battle with my anxiety I have decided to embrace it, learn my strengths, discover who my real friends are, take time each day to be grateful for all that I have and to be thankful for all the small moments I manage to overcome.
I know I am at the beginning of an incredibly long, winding road one with many twists and turns, but with determination and persistence I know I'll come out the other side.
I know exactly how you feel, this is such a well written piece. I found CBT really helped my anxiety, especially distraction techniques which I still use. Xxx
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