Brain dump

This blog has become something of a diary to me, it is a place where I don't feel alone, to vent, to be unapologetically me. It is my own little space where I can get my thoughts out without having to descramble them or worry what anyone else might think. I have celebrated and cried over the things I have shared on this little blog. Tonight I am overwhelmed, my body is falling to pieces around me, my emotions are all over the place and worse of all ana is getting ever stronger.

Since December I have had one UTI after another annoyingly I get no symptoms so they don't show up until the GP does a urine test, I have had an awful lot of antibiotics but still they come back. I am now on antibiotics (again) to try and kill off yet another infection. I really am at the end of my tether now, I can't deal with being so run down and my body doesn't appear to be dealing with antibiotics very well. Oh fun fact - I now bruise like a peach too.

On top of the constant UTI's I have also found I'm either on the verge of tears or actually crying far too often just recently, I am an emotional person anyway (I cry when Baloo pretends to be dead in the Jungle Book!) but it is getting ridiculous now. I know I am under an incredible amount of pressure right now but there must be someway of keeping my emotions in check surely?

Where to start with ana? I'm not sure if she ever really vanished I think she was always there lurking in my brain ready for me to feel vunerable so she could strike. I know just how destructive she is yet I find myself seeking comfort in her words. I hope that being so aware means I am not heading back down the path I have already walked, that acknowledging her is a good thing. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place I have fought so bloody hard to get to where I am today and yet, perversely, I am reluctant to let her go. No wonder my head is such a tangled mess right now.....

Musings

It's 11pm on a Saturday night and I have been in bed for the past hour and a bit, hubby is happily sitting downstairs watching sport (probably football!) on the TV and I have been busy revising and hen do planning. It struck me that a year ago I wouldn't have been able to sit up here on my own, I'd have been downstairs desperately wanting to go to bed but being crippled with anxiety about being alone - what a difference a year makes! Now I love my alone time, I get to read, study, have a bath or just be alone with my thoughts. I spend so much time concentrating on the things that are going badly that I never stop to congratulate myself. Sure food is still a struggle but I've eaten out, cooked, baked and actually enjoyed food on numerous occasions over the last few months. The anxiety is always there in the background but I am a much stronger person that 12 months ago - I can walk into town on my own, lock up the house, speak to strangers and so much more, these are the things I should be dwelling on not the days where I feel like a failure.

Pic seemed appropriate tonight!

It is as I sit here that I realise I can remember almost every negative comment I have ever received, yet recalling positive ones is pretty much impossible. Every day I see the importance of positive reinforcement and how much it can change the day for someone, yet I am my own harshest crticic. Nothing I do is ever good enough, recently I got 85% on a test that I only had 5 weeks to study for - for most people that sort of result is great, me, no I want to know why I didn't get 90%. I dread to think how many times I criticise myself over a 24 hour period, I would track it but I think I would be horrified by the number. Of course  it is this sort of behaviour that my eating disorder thrives on, to be truly recovered then I honestly believe the self doubt has to go, but how? The obvious answer is to start noting when I am paid a compliment, to believe it and own it, but that is easier said than done. I've tried writing them down and reading them back when I've felt low but that vicious voice kicks in again "they only said that so you'd feel better, they don't really mean it". I guess this is one of those areas that I can work on improving this year.

For now I will continue to treasure the alone time I get and use as a chance to escape, to let my imagination run wild, like Alice (in wonderland) I will daydream, who knows where my rabbit hole will lead me...

A ramble

I have battled long and hard with myself about giving you a name, but why would I do that, I want you out of my life not to invite you in to invade more of my body. For far too long I have felt your presence, like an uninvited pest you appear at the worst possible times, sapping my energy, destroying my positivity and gnawing away at the little self confidence I have left. To anyone looking in my life probably seems perfect - I have a job I love, incredible family and friends and a husband who I love more than I ever thought possible, meet me anywhere and I'll probably have a smile on my face, a friendly word to say and a spring in my step, but look beneath that. Does my smile ever reach my eyes, can I accept your compliment, no.

I feel worthless, beyond help. I cannot accept just how ill I am because I am able to go about my life, I live on nervous energy, I am consumed by self doubt and crippled with insecurities, this will come as no shock to other sufferers I'm sure we all feel like this, but it will come a massive surprise to a lot of people who are close to me. I have an impenetrable mask, one that never slips, regardless of what is happening in my head I rarely let anyone in. That is why this blog is so important to me, it is the one place where I feel I can be myself, I am hidden behind this laptop, I can cry and pour my heart out here, yet by the time it is published I am healed - the mask is back.

Every single day is hard. From deciding what I will allow myself to eat, when I can eat and how I will avoid eating in certain situations, food is never far from my thoughts. I obsessively collect recipes so that I can cook scrumptious meals for my husband and send him to work with all kinds of baked goods, yet very rarely will I allow myself to sample any of them. I love food I just hate what I think it does to my body.

I am weak, I find myself giving in to you all the time and it infuriates me that you can control me so easily, but the day is coming when I will be strong enough to fight back.

Attention Seeking?

Since I have revealed all about my ongoing battle with an eating disorder I have been inundated with messages thanking me for being so open and honest about what I am going through, these messages bring me a great source of comfort and support, in times of need I am able to look back at the messages and I am given a strength I never knew I had, however I have also had messages accusing me of attention seeking, this got me wondering - can you be too honest sometimes?

I tweet and blog for myself, to keep in touch with friends and to connect with other people who have similar interests to me. Sure recently my tweets have been a bit too blunt and to the point recently, but they have been documenting my struggle, a struggle that I have shared on twitter since the very beginning of this year. By contrast my facebook page is surprisingly eating disorder free, there have been a couple of links back to this blog but there are no status updates about my feelings, lack of food etc... Why do I find it so easy to share my inner most thoughts and feelings with strangers and not with friends?

I have a couple of theories to answer both questions, firstly for me on twitter and on here I am able to be 'myself'. I am able to let people into the darkest crevices of my mind because (and this is the most important part) I don't know who is reading it at any given time, for all I know none of my friends read this blog or follow me on twitter so I feel I can speak more freely. My facebook page is shared with those people I know socially and professionally, whilst I know none of these people would judge me based on a mental health illness it still worries me beyond belief. This is an ongoing problem for me, I find it far too easy to put a face on and pretend everything is ok instead of facing up to the problems and confronting them head on. Can you be too honest, in my opinion no. Sharing my story and struggle has enabled other people to realise they are not alone, I have had messages from family, friends and complete strangers telling me their own stories, stories which in many cases have gone untold for a number of years.

I have been backwards and forwards with myself about whether I should continue using this blog to voice my own thoughts and feelings or whether I should bow down to those people who think over sharing means I am obviously seeking attention. After much deliberation I have decided to keep on going, I started this blog for me and there is noway I am going to let strangers manipulate me enough to stop doing something that gives me pleasure and an outlet for all the messed up, jumbled up thoughts in my head.

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and has sent me messages of support, there are no words to express my gratitude towards you all.