Brain dump

This blog has become something of a diary to me, it is a place where I don't feel alone, to vent, to be unapologetically me. It is my own little space where I can get my thoughts out without having to descramble them or worry what anyone else might think. I have celebrated and cried over the things I have shared on this little blog. Tonight I am overwhelmed, my body is falling to pieces around me, my emotions are all over the place and worse of all ana is getting ever stronger.

Since December I have had one UTI after another annoyingly I get no symptoms so they don't show up until the GP does a urine test, I have had an awful lot of antibiotics but still they come back. I am now on antibiotics (again) to try and kill off yet another infection. I really am at the end of my tether now, I can't deal with being so run down and my body doesn't appear to be dealing with antibiotics very well. Oh fun fact - I now bruise like a peach too.

On top of the constant UTI's I have also found I'm either on the verge of tears or actually crying far too often just recently, I am an emotional person anyway (I cry when Baloo pretends to be dead in the Jungle Book!) but it is getting ridiculous now. I know I am under an incredible amount of pressure right now but there must be someway of keeping my emotions in check surely?

Where to start with ana? I'm not sure if she ever really vanished I think she was always there lurking in my brain ready for me to feel vunerable so she could strike. I know just how destructive she is yet I find myself seeking comfort in her words. I hope that being so aware means I am not heading back down the path I have already walked, that acknowledging her is a good thing. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place I have fought so bloody hard to get to where I am today and yet, perversely, I am reluctant to let her go. No wonder my head is such a tangled mess right now.....

Emotions

I have been riding a tidal wave of emotions just recently, the last few months have been hard - really hard. My body has reacted violently and my brain has no idea what is going on. One minute I am happy go lucky and the next a text message has me bursting into tears. Overwhelming tiredness doesn't help, I am caught in a never ending circle of napping in the afternoon and then being unable to sleep at night. I have a constant feeling that I have failed, this relapse has hit me hard, probably because I honestly didn't see it coming. Yes I only had perhaps three weeks of eating 'normally' but since then I have restricted like crazy, my list of safe foods has got shorter and although I am fighting that disgusting voice that tells me I'm not good enough she has been getting louder just recently. Running is the only time that I feel completely free - immersed in working my body and taking great satisfaction in feeling tired and sweaty when I have finished, the only problem is I can't differentiate between what I am feeling and what 'She' is feeling.

I will not give up though. I will ride this emotional wave and I will come out stronger than ever before. I am not prepared to roll over and let 'her' storm though my life. Whilst I have breath in my body I will fight as hard as I can.

Disappointment

You know what's really hard - constantly feeling disappointed. I'm either disappointed with myself for eating or angry because I haven't eaten which leaves other people feeling disappointed. I am a people pleaser by nature, I very rarely say no and I will do everything in my power to make the people around me happy. I know they'd be ecstatic if I just ate normally, if I woke up one morning back to the old carefree Gemma, I hate that I'm struggling to do the one thing that would please them most. 

I recently had an argument with myself about this very blog, by sharing with you my battles I am inviting you into my life, very often I am overwhelmed by the support you give me and yet I am aware that you want me to get better, by writing here that I am struggling I somehow feel like I am letting you down too. The obvious answer is that I stop writing about the eating disorder but to me that seems like a lie, if I can't be completely true to myself here where can I be? Besides it feels like you guys have become my cheerleaders, you encourage me, support me and remind me constantly that I will get better. So this battle continues... 

The biggest disappointment I face is myself. I often find myself wondering how I ended up on the path - I have spent my whole life surrounded with love - I never dreamt that one day food would become my energy. I hate that I can't bring myself to prepare porridge (it's porridge for crying out loud) because the ED says it's bad but I am disappointed that her voice is winning. Man my brain is all kinds of messed up, it's no wonder that I feel so tired! 

I am in turmoil dear readers, to win this war I need to eat and continue to eat for the rest of my life, if I can't manage to eat one proper meal without feeling disappointed how can I get better? If I don't get better than how will I survive knowing I'll be disappointing all the people I hold near to my heart?

My words to live by right now. Thank you Martin Luther King Jr.