An Open Letter...

Dear Anxiety,

I don't remember when you started to creep into my surroundings, a whisper of trouble, a flicker on my horizon, a ghost of doubt in my mind. I do remember feeling you every now and again, the sudden terror on a walk home, the silent voice telling me something bad was going to happen, sucking me under your wing, taking over my body like a parasite. I remember the day I gave into you again like it was yesterday, a massive panic attack at St Pancras station caused by nothing but your hands manipulating me. I gave up that day, let you suck the energy and life out of me, living each day as a shell unable to feel emotions or vocalise how I felt.

I'm not sure what changed but one morning and knew it was either you or me, speaking out made me realise there was hope - I was inundated with messages of support on twitter and through this blog which has become a place where I can spill my fears without fear of judgement, seeing a doctor who wanted to help me fight you, all this made me want to fight you with a determination that I would not let you win, that I wouldn't become a a lost soul you had feasted on and then left behind. Sure there are days when I indulge you, when the subconscious part of me wins, days I can't leave the house or eat, I'm constantly ashamed of the days when you are stronger than me. Recently though I have noticed the days you aren't there, when seeing new born lambs and the buds of blossom on the trees fills me with a hope that one day I'll beat you and reemerge from the behind the walls I've built around myself. I know that there will come a time when you are a part of my past, a bully that I've beaten, a small a rather than the capital at the start of this letter. Until that day I will continue to take comfort from the hours, minutes and days where I am stronger than you realise.

This is one battle that you will not win.

Gemma