Struggling

I'm not doing so well anymore. On the surface all looks well, there is a smile on my face and I am functioning in public behind the scenes though is a completely different story. I am drowning, I feel helpless to stop what is happening to me and I have no therapy sessions until September.

I am numb, the days pass by frustratingly slowly and I complete nothing except a carefully scheduled run. My brain is running on overdrive, the thinking doesn't stop. I am overwhelmed by all the thoughts that pass through my head on a daily basis none of them providing answers just more questions. 

Food is tough, my 'safe' list is back in practice however it is more restrictive than ever before. I snack on fruit believing it to be the best thing for me, yet my constant tiredness shows me I need more nourishment. 

I am tired, tired of fighting, tired of making progress and then falling back into bad habits. I am tired of seeing the look in people's eyes when they realise I am not doing so week, tired of being weak, tired of failing, tired of letting myself down, tired of letting others down but most of all I am tired of letting her win.

Ana

You picked me because you think I'm weak,

You picked me because I'm scared,

You are the one I battle,

The one who's always there.

You brought me comfort,

You brought control,

You changed my life,

Confused my goals.

But now I'm getting stronger,

I see the error in your ways,

You are not the friend I needed,

More an enemy in disguise.

I will not let you beat me,

I will not let you win,

I will not let you take my life,

I'm tougher than you think.

Struggle

I am trying so hard believe me I am, I don't want this blog to be somewhere where all I do is complain but I'm just not sure I am coping all that well at the minute. It is easy for me to paint a smile on my face, often behind a mask of foundation, to pretend that everything is ok but deep down it really isn't. I count calories obsessively - I can't allow myself to go above a certain amount each day no matter how hungry I become. I exercise, not for the buzz it gives me but because I know I am burning fat. I am constantly cold, I can't sleep, my body feels every knock, I am covered in bruises, I am full of self loathing and every single day I fight a battle no one else can see.

I feel like a failure, I wanted to be able to document my victory against my eating disorder, but right now I'm not winning, I am failing miserably. I am cranky, my moods are up and down - my poor husband doesn't know if he is coming or going. I want to fight with everything I have but at the minute my eating disorder is stronger than me.

Every time I pick the lowest calorie food available or I go without food I let myself down, I let Stuart down, I let down my friends and family and most importantly of all I let down all those people who believe I can be stronger, who believe I can fight and who believe I will get better. All I can do is promise to keep trying, promise to keep fighting and promise to be the best that I can be.

An Open Letter...

Dear Anxiety,

I don't remember when you started to creep into my surroundings, a whisper of trouble, a flicker on my horizon, a ghost of doubt in my mind. I do remember feeling you every now and again, the sudden terror on a walk home, the silent voice telling me something bad was going to happen, sucking me under your wing, taking over my body like a parasite. I remember the day I gave into you again like it was yesterday, a massive panic attack at St Pancras station caused by nothing but your hands manipulating me. I gave up that day, let you suck the energy and life out of me, living each day as a shell unable to feel emotions or vocalise how I felt.

I'm not sure what changed but one morning and knew it was either you or me, speaking out made me realise there was hope - I was inundated with messages of support on twitter and through this blog which has become a place where I can spill my fears without fear of judgement, seeing a doctor who wanted to help me fight you, all this made me want to fight you with a determination that I would not let you win, that I wouldn't become a a lost soul you had feasted on and then left behind. Sure there are days when I indulge you, when the subconscious part of me wins, days I can't leave the house or eat, I'm constantly ashamed of the days when you are stronger than me. Recently though I have noticed the days you aren't there, when seeing new born lambs and the buds of blossom on the trees fills me with a hope that one day I'll beat you and reemerge from the behind the walls I've built around myself. I know that there will come a time when you are a part of my past, a bully that I've beaten, a small a rather than the capital at the start of this letter. Until that day I will continue to take comfort from the hours, minutes and days where I am stronger than you realise.

This is one battle that you will not win.

Gemma