Thursday, 4 June 2015

Brain dump

This blog has become something of a diary to me, it is a place where I don't feel alone, to vent, to be unapologetically me. It is my own little space where I can get my thoughts out without having to descramble them or worry what anyone else might think. I have celebrated and cried over the things I have shared on this little blog. Tonight I am overwhelmed, my body is falling to pieces around me, my emotions are all over the place and worse of all ana is getting ever stronger.

Since December I have had one UTI after another annoyingly I get no symptoms so they don't show up until the GP does a urine test, I have had an awful lot of antibiotics but still they come back. I am now on antibiotics (again) to try and kill off yet another infection. I really am at the end of my tether now, I can't deal with being so run down and my body doesn't appear to be dealing with antibiotics very well. Oh fun fact - I now bruise like a peach too.

On top of the constant UTI's I have also found I'm either on the verge of tears or actually crying far too often just recently, I am an emotional person anyway (I cry when Baloo pretends to be dead in the Jungle Book!) but it is getting ridiculous now. I know I am under an incredible amount of pressure right now but there must be someway of keeping my emotions in check surely?

Where to start with ana? I'm not sure if she ever really vanished I think she was always there lurking in my brain ready for me to feel vunerable so she could strike. I know just how destructive she is yet I find myself seeking comfort in her words. I hope that being so aware means I am not heading back down the path I have already walked, that acknowledging her is a good thing. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place I have fought so bloody hard to get to where I am today and yet, perversely, I am reluctant to let her go. No wonder my head is such a tangled mess right now.....