Don't Quit

Found this poem over the weekend and it really spoke out to me, I don't want to give up and I want to keep on battling through the difficult times life throws at me.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must but don't you quit.
Life is queer with it's twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Author Unknown.

Bloglovin'

Please don't forget to follow my blog over on bloglovin' I'm not quite sure how to work it yet but I'm getting there :)

Friday Letters #026

Dear Self - You did it, you got through another week. Yes there have been bumps and diversions along the way but I finally understand that this is ok, it's ok to cry and ask for help xxx

Dear Weather - I'm loving the appearance of the sun, although as I type this it is raining!

Dear Body - I know you are loving being back at work but please please stop hurting so much.

Dear Kellie - Thank you so much for you continued support recently. You have helped me through the darkest of times and I really do appreciate all the help you have given me xx 

Dear Stuart - Thank you for being my rock, for pulling me through and for all the support and love you have surrounded me with xxx

Dear Bloggers - Don't forget about my pledge, if you want to receive a letter or you know someone who would benefit from a letter then please do get in touch with me x

Dear Candy Crush Saga - You are driving me absolutely crazy!

Dear Twitter - Thank you for the support and advice you have given me this week x

I hope you all enjoy your weekend xxx 

Who Am I?

I am Idealistic,
I am Fearful,
I am a Women with a childlike imagination,
I am a Dreamer and a Realist,
I am Scared and Optimistic,
I can be painfully Shy,
I am a Wife and a Partner,
I am a Daughter and a Sister,
I am a Friend,
I am a Christian with a scientific mind,
I am a Believer,
I am a bunch of Contradictions in a dress,
I am a messed up bunch of Emotions,
I am a Worrier,
I am Scared,
I am a blur in the Mirror,
I have no idea what I actually look like,
I am an Anxiety Sufferer.
I am on a path with no signs, a journey with no end and I have a future with no clear picture.

This is me.

Dream

I dream of a place where war doesn't exist, where people are free to marry whomever they please, where we are free to be ourselves without fear of judgement. A place where people aren't afraid, where gun ownership is controlled, where we are encouraged to chase our dreams no matter how crazy they may seem. A place where health services are available to anyone and everyone regardless of income, where mental illness can be talked about freely without fear of being labelled, where children can play outside without worry. 

I dream of peace, flowers, holding hands, kissing, rainstorms, smiles, freedom. I dream of creating the perfect world where people are happy, where no one goes hungry, where fresh water is readily available to all those who need it.  These are big dreams I know, but whilst I have my dreams I can confidently go forward on my path.

Getting There

This week I feel I have turned a corner, my doctor isn't so sure, but for the first time in a long long time I am looking forward to the future, I am planing a life with my husband free of worries and I am aware that I am more in control of my emotions than I have been for a while. The reason for the change is that I am focusing a lot of my energies on this, this post started me thinking and I am now very close to launching a new idea designed to help other people. I have decided that I want to see the flowers and instead of focusing on the negative things in my life I am determined to notice the light around me.

Boston

It was with great despair and a heavy heart that I watched the unfolding footage at the Boston Marathon last night. Whilst the footage was awful and left me shaken to my very core, I was also immensely proud. Proud of those people who selflessly helped the injured, proud of the way twitter came together to provide support and information, proud of the fact that although the world I love is under attack the vast majority of us are driven to help those in need and proud of every single person who today won't live their life in fear of what might be around the corner. 

My thoughts and prayers are with those who are injured, I hope with all my heart that they are able to overcome the atrocities of yesterday.

This post is dedicated to all those who lost their lives. May they Rest In Peace, free of suffering and pain.   

If I Ever...

If I ever push you away, I don't really mean to.
when I tell you I don't want to talk about it, I do,
I'm just looking for the right words.
I try to be a struggling mix of real and perfect at the same time.
When I get really quiet sometimes it's because
I have too much to say.
I get immaturely jealous of anyone
who gets to see you on a daily basis.
I miss you easily. But I also like that we can be
a p a r t
I love the way we love some of the same things,
and I love how we love entirely different things.
My head is a complicated pile of
thoughts and fears and cravings and dreams and
this tangled up nostalgia
for the past and somehow the future.
I am flawed and I am human and I am broken and I am trying
and I am one person and I am two hands and I am one heart and I love you.
And I am so glad you are here.

Not sure who wrote this poem but I've fallen in love with it and wanted to share it with you all, happy Sunday xx

My pledge...

I recently watched the above talk on TED and it got me thinking, throughout my life I have never valued anything more than a handwritten letter. At University the highlight of my week would be getting long letters from my parents and grandma filling me in on what had been happening at home and the latest gossip from around the village. Even now, I get a thrill when I see an envelope that so obviously contains a personal letter or card inside, these letters and cards can lift me out of whatever funk I have found myself in and give me motivation to keep on battling and fighting.
Recently on a walk into town, I got thinking. If getting letters makes me so happy then it must have the same effect on others, stumbling across the above video made me realise I was right. I decided that I would make a pledge to myself, not to change the world, but to help make someones day, to create a smile and a lifeline for those who need it. Therefore I am pledging to write a letter to anyone who needs it, no questions asked just pop me an email at white.gemma.86@gmail.com and I promise to write to you.

Friday Letters #025

After a tough few weeks I am back and ready to blog again. Thank you for sticking with me.

Dear Grandad - Yesterday would have been your birthday, I hope you spent it celebrating with a yummy cake wherever you now are. I miss you and think about you every single day, I only hope that you would approve of the life choices I have made in the past 6 years, without your influence I wouldn't be the strong, determined person I am today. Love you always xxx

Dear Bag - I love you! I can't stop looking at you and stroking you :)

Dear F - Thank you so much for asking me to be your chief bridesmaid, I am so unbelievably honoured and looking forward to helping you with the wedding every step of the way xxx

Dear S - I really appreciate our new found friendship, long may it continue xx

Dear I - Get well soon, It's times like this that both Stuart and I hate being so far away from home xxx

Dear Stuart - I'm letting you off picking mostly blondes with big boobs for your list but only because I love you and you make me feel loved every single day. I may grumble about the amount of questions you ask me but I know it's because you care xxx

Dear Bloggers - Any ideas how I can stop my husband from snoring? It is the most ANNOYING sound in the whole entire world!!

Dear Weather - The forecast says you are going to be sunny this weekend, please please hang around for longer than a couple of days, my legs are desperate to be out of tights.

Dear Stuart (again!) - Be warned - you may not have let me win a game of Monopoly cards but I will beat you one day and then I will resign from the game as winner (yes I am THAT competitive!) On the other hand, cocktails? xxx

I hope you all enjoy your weekend at that the sunshine makes a much needed appearance x

Apologies

I just wanted to apologise for not blogging for a while, I have so many ideas in my head but I have been feeling so overwhelmed with the anxiety and a return of my endometriosis pain that I have been unable to find the motivation to sit and blog. There are lots of questions running around in my head which I have no answers too and they are slowly sucking what little energy I do have away. In the past two weeks I have tried to reach out to friends I don't want to lose and have been given nothing back in return, I think I have slowly realised that there really is no way back for us, and whilst this is hurting me like crazy I think it is the only way for me to be able to move on.

I also haven't been sleeping too well again recently and have been taking afternoon naps to help me get through the day, if anyone has any ideas on what I could be doing to help myself I'd really appreciate any tips you can give me.

TED

I have spent most of the past 2 days engrossed in TED, this clip from below (although long) has given me a new desire to beat the anxiety. The people giving these talks have faced, or seen, some awful things and yet they have all overcome and achieved so much - talk about inspiration.

Love Letters

Last night before going to bed I read this love letter that moved me to tears. It was written by Regimental Sergeant - Major James Milne who was a company sergeant-major serving with the 4th Battalion, Gordon Highlanders. It was written to his wife Meg in the event of his being killed in battle.

July 1917

My own beloved wife,
I do not know how to start this letter. The circumstances are different from any under which I have ever wrote before. I am not to post it but will leave it in my pocket, and if anything happens to me, someone will perhaps post it. We are going over the top this forenoon and only God in Heaven knows who will come out of it alive. I am going into it now, Dearest, sure that I am in His hands and that whatever happens, I look to Him, in this world and the world to come.
If I am called, my regret is that I leave you and my Bairns, but I leave you all to His great mercy and goodness, knowing that He will look over you all and watch you. I trust in Him to bring me through, but should He decree otherwise then though we do not know His reasons, we know it must be best. I go to Him with your dear face the last vision on earth I shall see and your name upon my lips. You, the best of Women. You will look after my Darling Bairns for me and tell them how their Daddy died.
Oh! How I love you all, and as I sit here waiting I wonder what you are doing at home. I must not do that. It is hard enough sitting waiting. We may move any minute. When this reaches you, for me there will be no more war - only eternal peace and waiting for you.
You must be brave, my Darling, for my sake, for I leave you the Bairns. It is a legacy of struggle for you, but God will look after you and we shall meet again when there will be no more parting. I am to write no more, Sweetheart. I know you will read my old letters and keep them for my sake, and that you will love me or my memory till we meet again.
May God in his Mercy look over you and bless you all till that day we shall meet again in His own Good time. May He in that same Mercy preserve me today.
GoodBye Meg,
Eternal love from
Yours for Ever and Ever,
Jim.

Milne came through the war and returned home to his wife and children in Scotland.

This got me thinking, not just about love letters, but about the act of writing a letter. I love nothing more than getting a handwritten letter in the post, so on that note I am wondering if there are any fellow bloggers out there who would be interested in becoming pen friends?

Grief

Grief is a funny thing, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and changes everything in the blink of an eye. This weekend I experienced just that, Saturday had been a lovely day, spent exploring the local seaside with friends, dinner and a few glasses of wine, then I had the sudden realisation that it was a friends birthday, a friend who has cut me out of her life. In the blink of an eye I had gone from having lots of fun to being unable to stop the tears from falling, I can't tell you why I was upset because I really don't know, but I do know that the pain I felt at that moment in time was very real, I struggled to breathe, my legs gave way and I was incapable of forming complete sentences.

I don't have a lot of experience with grief and for that I am grateful, however at the minute I am overwhelmed by loneliness and crippled with insecurity. Saturday was just another harsh realisation of how vulnerable I am feeling at the minute.