Over the last couple of weeks the question I've been asked the most is 'Why do you want to get better?' it's normal that people want to know what it is that has triggered me fighting back, but I don't always have the answer. I have to be honest and admit I don't really know what the correct answer is, there isn't a goal in my mind and I don't really know who I am without some aspect of control in my life. So who am I - am I the hippie, yoga loving, flower wearing girl? The book loving geek? The history fanatic? Or am I the control freak I am now? The thing I am most scared of is waking up one morning and not knowing who I am, what if I therapy away all of my issues only to find there is nothing left of me?
At the minute having an eating disorder defines who I am but I don't want that to be the case for the rest of my life. My brain is fighting two conflicting battles, I so desperately want to lead a 'normal' life and yet I am terrified of increasing my daily intake. I am loath to talk about calorie intakes, eating disorders by their very nature are competitive and I know that when other people mention how little they are eating I compete with them to try and eat even less, I would hate for this blog to trigger anyone so for now weight and calories will remain private.
I want to be the girl who can go out for lunch with friends and not have spend hours beforehand browsing the menu trying to figure out what I can and cannot eat, I want to enjoy evenings in with my husband eating ice cream from the tub, but right now I can't, I am surviving on black coffee, fruit and a handful of the food that has made my 'safe' list. I say surviving, I am existing - I am exhausted both physically and mentally. I know what damage I am doing to my body and yet I just can't stop - I want to, believe me with every fibre of my soul I would love to just walk into the kitchen right now and eat - but what if I can't stop? What if giving into the hunger means I just eat and eat and eat?
So what is my goal to get better? There isn't one, not really, I just want to be me again. I want to live a long and happy life with my husband and I want us to have a family. I want there to be a time when I can look back at these posts and not recognise myself, I want to be proud of everything I have achieved and most of all I long for the day when I can eat properly and not mentally beat myself up about it.
I'm sure that day will come. You have everything to get better for <3 x
ReplyDeleteYour issues don't define you Gemma. Your personality, your interests, your likes and dislikes, your relationships with people, your work, your values - those are the things that define you. You are all the things you list above and more, and you choose who you are - so how would you not know who you are? An eating disorder doesn't give you an identity. It's an illness, not a trait.
ReplyDeleteAs for the fear that if you start eating you will never stop - I had that fear. But I started eating properly four months ago, and it hasn't happened. When you are eating properly, it is far easier to regulate your appetite because food, and whether or not you get to eat, doesn't consume your every thought.
I can tell from what you've written how difficult you're finding this, but you as a person are so much stronger then you realise lovely, I can see that every time I read your honest words. You are trying your hardest and that is all you can do, I'm sure it will take time but if you keep going I have no doubt that you will get to where you want to be. It sounds as though you're surrounded by some wonderful people, try and stay positive and don't be too hard on yourself if you can help it xx
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who has been there with an eating disorder, take it from me. You can get through it, past it, and put it behind you.
ReplyDeleteNothing defines you except you. I promise you.
So glad you are so openly posting about all this. I can't even pretend to imagine what you're going through. Stay strong lovely. Plus you write beautifully
ReplyDeleteJenny | sunny sweet pea xx
So glad you are so openly posting about all this. I can't even pretend to imagine what you're going through. Stay strong lovely. Plus you write beautifully
ReplyDeleteJenny | sunny sweet pea xx