Monday, 22 July 2013

Bad Wife?

This question has been playing on my mind for a while now, I am sure it stems from my struggle with anxiety but it is one that I can't seem to shake off. Stuart is the love of my life, I honestly never thought it was possible to love and trust someone as much as I do him, and yet in the last 10 months he has been to hell and back with me with no end in sight. I am a perfectionist by nature, if I am going to do something then I want it to be done properly, I got married for better for worse I just never in a million years thought the worse parts could be this bad.

Stuart has been through my side throughout all of my struggles, has held me when I have sobbed hysterically, helped me come to terms with my diagnosis, fought my battles and tried so hard to protect from all the things that are triggering me at the moment, yet I keep pushing him away. I avoid those conversations about what is really going on inside my head, mainly because I honestly have no idea how to answer that question at the minute, I shy away from intimacy. I am one of the lucky ones, Stuart supports me 100% he is unflinching in his support and I know he will be by my side forever.

In many ways I am a great wife - I know how big headed that sounds but we really do have lots of fun with each other, we laugh a lot, we enjoy exploring the world together and we have the same ideals and goals for our lives together, yet I cannot get rid of this niggling feeling that perhaps he would be happier if I was more 'normal' (for want of a better word!) This has nothing to do with anything Stuart has said to me and is just yet another example of the turmoil that is going on inside my head.  

1 comment:

  1. I've been there with someone in the past who I pushed and pushed so far away from me that I couldn't ever get them back again :(
    It's the hardest thing.