Tuesday, 5 March 2013

The Question

From the day I got engaged (February 24th 2011) I have been asked the very same question more times than I care to remember. From family to strangers and even the adverts that pop up on Facebook, everyone seems obsessed with knowing the very same thing, It's as though committing to one man for the rest of my life somehow signifies that I am ready to make another, much larger, commitment. You may wonder what the question could be that has plagued my life for the last two years is (although I'm sure you've already figured it out) it is of course the great pregnancy question. From subtle enquires about whether I like children or not to the more direct - you'll be having kids next, my answer never changes, I smile, make some non committal answer and then very quickly change the subject. Stuart and I were very open with each other before we got married about the subject of children, we would both adore to be parents, but selfishly we want to enjoy ourselves a bit first, go on ridiculous holidays, indulge hangovers, travel on a whim and enjoying some us time before we have children. Whenever I have mentioned this to other people I am greeted with various degrees of surprise, it seems that to some people I am abnormal, that not wanting to have children yet somehow makes me less of a woman. I could of course tell people the other reason why we aren't about to have children yet, that being a sufferer of polycystic ovaries and endometriosis means both Stuart and I are acutely aware of how difficult getting pregnant may be, that for the last 8 years I have slowly tried to come to terms with each diagnosis and how it will alter my life and the life I used to dream of as a little girl looking after her dolls. I have never been told that I can't have children, just that it might be difficult to conceive, at 26 I want to live my life, not spend days taking my temperature, trying to figure out when (if) I am ovulating and facing the potential disappointment that peeing on a stick each month may bring.  

I was brought up to believe in choices and to respect the choices other people make regardless of my own opinions on the matter. I find it offensive that other people feel the need to comment on the decision Stuart and I have taken, instead of looking at me like I've grown an extra head and giving Stuart a sympathetic look which loosely translates as 'I'm sorry that you have a wife who is different from everyone else'. 

I'm sure I am not the only girl out there who gets asked this question time and time again, how do other people deal with it?


  1. It's just bloody awful isn't it? I never wanted kids and as I too suffered from severe endo I knew to not even bother trying. Do you think the rest of the world would accept that though? No. I got asked over and again about trying for a child which frustrated and upset me beyond belief.

    Later, in my late 30s, I did actually get pregnant, an accident and, frankly, a freak of medical science (my gyneacologist went pale and had to sit down when I told him). My gorgeous daughter is truly a one-off but even though she is a miracle I still get asked when I am having another child.

    It's as if women cannot win. Whatever we do it is never quite enough. It makes me furious that even though I beat the odds to have a child it's still not enough for so many people.

    Bloody hell, I bet you wish you'd never asked now.

  2. I get asked if we're planning on more so we can have a boy (I have 4 girls, which is plenty). Kraken is right, you can't avoid nosy stupid questions whatever you do, so you may as well do what you want and not worry about every bugger else.

  3. I got married at 21 and had my first child when I was 22. Then another at 23 and another at 25. Now at 47, I look back and would give my left arm to have been able to spend a few years with my husband, just the 2 of us, doing things, when we were young enough to be able to stay up past 9 pm. You do what you want to do, because if you have kids right away you'll be criticized for that, too.

  4. I feel for you, really I do. It was only through sheer luck that we got pregnant when we did (being a PCOS sufferer it didnt take half as long as we were advised it probably would, so there is hope yet!) so we didnt get any of the questions right after the marriage when we announced it. However we got instead "was it planned" "why so soon" "didnt you want time together?" so whatever your situation, you can't please anyone, but yourselves of course.

    Dont worry about the future, just be glad you have a lovely husband who supports you, and ignore all the dolts who ask daft questions! x