Friday Letters #024

The last couple of weeks have been tough, but I am now slowly feeling like myself again and I am eager to keep moving forward. I can't tell you how much I have missed my blog the last couple of weeks, I have thought many times about writing about how I've been feeling but I have been unable to find the words, however I am back now - with some fun recipes to blog about soon!!

Dear Stuart - Thank you for holding my hands, and letting me talk through my fears with you. I don't know how to put into words just how much everything you have done for me means to me, I am sorry we are going through the 'in sickness' bit first but things can only get better from here. Oh and happy 9 month wedding anniversary! xxx
Dear Hair - Loved getting you cut this week and the way the pampering made me start to feel more like myself again.
Dear Nails - Loving the new summery look you are currently sporting, looking at you makes me smile :)
Dear Mom - Thank you for always being at the end of the phone and for always having words of encouragement to keep me going xxx 
Dear Tetley - Loving the new super cuddly you, long may it continue!!
Dear Weather - Please no more snow! I would love some warm weather so that the lambs can go back to gambolling around the fields and my flowers in the garden will grow.
Dear Wardrobe - Love the new look, it is quite possibly one of my best ideas to date (pics to follow)
Dear Bloggers - Thank you for all the support you have given me the last couple of weeks, the words and messages you have sent me have lifted me up and made me realise how much there is to fight for xx
Dear Twitter - I love how the most menial of my posts get favourited by random people, I love how I get most of the days gossip from you, and I love that I can ask for help and get it almost immediately. 
Dear Anxiety - I bet you thought you had me beaten but even I'm not that weak, I will fight you and I am ready for the battle of my life. Be warned.

Enjoy the weekend, I will be spending it with friends at the seaside.

I Get Knocked Down

Last week was tough, not only did I have the nasty bug that has been doing the rounds, I also had a relapse in my anxiety treatment. I can't tell you what triggered the relapse but I woke up on the Monday morning paralysed with fear that something was about to go wrong, I obsessed constantly about Stuart driving to and from work, about how I was going to get to work and about whether or not I had secured the house before leaving. Other than going to work I find it pretty much impossible to leave the house, I spent my days doing nothing but disappearing into the world of books - an old habit from when I was younger.
I let the anxiety take over my life for a week and I didn't like how it left me feeling, I was miserable, vulnerable, ashamed and most of all desperate to get back onto the right path again. Stuart was my saviour, he reassured me that I could pick myself back up again, and that I was allowed relapses as long as I didn't let the anxiety win every time. After a break away from social media and this blog I am now ready to face the big wide world again, taking small steps I know that eventually I will get to the point I was at only a couple of weeks ago and continue on the long path to an anxiety free life.

Thank you for sticking with me xx

Blog Lovin

Hi all!!

After hearing the news that google reader will be disappearing in July I have taken the leap and joined Bloglovin, you can find my button on the right hand side of this post. I would really appreciate if you could join me over there, I haven't yet figured out what I'm supposed to do on there but I promise I will ASAP :)

Friday Letters #023

Dear Stuart - Your hugs, kisses, words of advice and just being here have given me such a lift this week at a time when I really needed to feel better about myself xxx

Dear Bloggers - My biggest thank you this week has to go to you guys, thank you so much for all your words of encouragement after I posted this post, your words brought me comfort at a time of need and I will always be eternally grateful for the messages you sent me. xxx

Dear Twitter - Thank you for keeping my spirits up, for proving me with endless ideas for getting some sleep, for making me smile when I just wanted to cry and for being a place I can air my worries without fear of being mocked. xxx

Dear Mom - Sorry that your flowers didn't turn up for your birthday, but at least they were there to make you smile after your exam xxx

Dear Nan - I love the picture I have of you aged 18, I love that my life has been so shaped by your influence. I love you xxx

Dear C - Way back in September I thanked you for giving the a job that got me back in the studio teaching the subject I love most, today I thank you for being a friend xx

Dear Anxiety - You broke me this week but I am sure I can find the strength within me to start fighting you again.

Thank you for sticking with me throughout this journey.

An Open Letter...

Dear Anxiety,

I don't remember when you started to creep into my surroundings, a whisper of trouble, a flicker on my horizon, a ghost of doubt in my mind. I do remember feeling you every now and again, the sudden terror on a walk home, the silent voice telling me something bad was going to happen, sucking me under your wing, taking over my body like a parasite. I remember the day I gave into you again like it was yesterday, a massive panic attack at St Pancras station caused by nothing but your hands manipulating me. I gave up that day, let you suck the energy and life out of me, living each day as a shell unable to feel emotions or vocalise how I felt.

I'm not sure what changed but one morning and knew it was either you or me, speaking out made me realise there was hope - I was inundated with messages of support on twitter and through this blog which has become a place where I can spill my fears without fear of judgement, seeing a doctor who wanted to help me fight you, all this made me want to fight you with a determination that I would not let you win, that I wouldn't become a a lost soul you had feasted on and then left behind. Sure there are days when I indulge you, when the subconscious part of me wins, days I can't leave the house or eat, I'm constantly ashamed of the days when you are stronger than me. Recently though I have noticed the days you aren't there, when seeing new born lambs and the buds of blossom on the trees fills me with a hope that one day I'll beat you and reemerge from the behind the walls I've built around myself. I know that there will come a time when you are a part of my past, a bully that I've beaten, a small a rather than the capital at the start of this letter. Until that day I will continue to take comfort from the hours, minutes and days where I am stronger than you realise.

This is one battle that you will not win.

Gemma

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Today is my moms birthday so I have decided to dedicate this blog post to her.

My mom is my best friend, there is not one thing I can't tell her, she is always at the end of the phone whether I need advice, to gossip, or someone to listen to me. She has spent 26 years selflessly wiping away my tears, gently nudging me in the right direction and being the champion of my career. I have amazing memories of my childhood, from incredible picnics (my mom always made the best spread) to holidays where we sat around a bbq playing a card game that only my immediate family seems to know.

When my mom had me she gave up on her dream of being a nurse to care for me, and then my brothers, she worked as much as she physically could to make sure that we never went without, often sacrificing her own wants and needs. 2 years ago she went to university to achieve her dream of becoming a nurse, she is working unbelievably hard and I cannot find the words to express just how incredibly proud of her I am, I cannot wait to sit in the audience and watch her graduate next year.

Mom, I just want to say thank you for everything, for always being there for me, for always having the words to comfort me and for quite literally being the best mom and best friend I could ask for. Love you xxxx

N.B - My mom never believes how going back to Uni when she has in an achievement in itself so today I will be collecting messages to show her just what an achievement it really is, please feel free to add your message of support at the bottom. xx

Last Week...

Last week was really tough for me, I'm not sure why but I just could not shake off the anxiety it followed me wherever I went, in spite of this I have still managed to put together a small list of the things that made last week slightly more bearable.

Dinner out with the husband, planning my moms birthday, knowing there is a trip home next weekend, compliments from parents, getting started on show dances, getting engrossed in a book, long chats with my mom, the sun making a brief experience, seeing baby lambs in the fields, the start of blossom on the trees. 

A big thank you also has to go to you guys for reading my blog and for all the encouraging messages you have sent me xxx

Friday Letters #022

Dear Stuart - Sorry for adding my own commentary to the football on Tuesday night, it might not have been fun for you but it certainly made me giggle!! xxx

Dear Endo - You haven't caused me any pain for so long that this week has really knocked the stuffing out of me, please be kind and leave me alone for a bit longer next time.

Dear L - Happy Birthday :)

Dear Ankle/Foot - I'm not sure what I've done to you but if you could possibly stop hurting ASAP I'd really appreciate it.

Dear Women - Happy International Women's Day, hopefully it won't be long before we get equal rights and pay as the men.

Dear Mom - Loving our long weekly chats xxx

Dear Sleep - Please stop being so evasive, I look like a zombie at the minute because of a total lack of sleep, have tried pretty much everything I can think of now :(

Dear Twitter - I love how full of positivity and love my timeline has been this week, it's helped restore my faith in other people.

Hope you all have a great weekend xxx

Wordless Wednesday

The Question

From the day I got engaged (February 24th 2011) I have been asked the very same question more times than I care to remember. From family to strangers and even the adverts that pop up on Facebook, everyone seems obsessed with knowing the very same thing, It's as though committing to one man for the rest of my life somehow signifies that I am ready to make another, much larger, commitment. You may wonder what the question could be that has plagued my life for the last two years is (although I'm sure you've already figured it out) it is of course the great pregnancy question. From subtle enquires about whether I like children or not to the more direct - you'll be having kids next, my answer never changes, I smile, make some non committal answer and then very quickly change the subject. Stuart and I were very open with each other before we got married about the subject of children, we would both adore to be parents, but selfishly we want to enjoy ourselves a bit first, go on ridiculous holidays, indulge hangovers, travel on a whim and enjoying some us time before we have children. Whenever I have mentioned this to other people I am greeted with various degrees of surprise, it seems that to some people I am abnormal, that not wanting to have children yet somehow makes me less of a woman. I could of course tell people the other reason why we aren't about to have children yet, that being a sufferer of polycystic ovaries and endometriosis means both Stuart and I are acutely aware of how difficult getting pregnant may be, that for the last 8 years I have slowly tried to come to terms with each diagnosis and how it will alter my life and the life I used to dream of as a little girl looking after her dolls. I have never been told that I can't have children, just that it might be difficult to conceive, at 26 I want to live my life, not spend days taking my temperature, trying to figure out when (if) I am ovulating and facing the potential disappointment that peeing on a stick each month may bring.  

I was brought up to believe in choices and to respect the choices other people make regardless of my own opinions on the matter. I find it offensive that other people feel the need to comment on the decision Stuart and I have taken, instead of looking at me like I've grown an extra head and giving Stuart a sympathetic look which loosely translates as 'I'm sorry that you have a wife who is different from everyone else'. 

I'm sure I am not the only girl out there who gets asked this question time and time again, how do other people deal with it?

Last week...

Last week I decided to start a series of posts on a Monday which helped me reflect on the good things that had happened the week before, rather than concentrate on the times the anxiety got on top of me. To me this means I start each week with a celebration of everything I have achieved no matter how small they may mean to anyone else.

This week I:

Choreographed an amazing pointe dance, enjoyed a candlelit dinner with my husband, got lots of cuddles from the children I teach, was praised by a mom for my hard work, had an incredible put the world to right chat with my mom, leant that I cannot change the past, visited Starbucks alone without it turning into a panic attack, reached out for help, enjoyed some me time without worrying about what I needed to get done.

I may have felt the grip of anxiety on every day last week, but every time I did I managed to overcome it, to breathe and to let the rational part of my brain take over.

Friday Letters #021

What a week this has been, full of highs and lows which have left me exhausted and at times hysterical, still onwards and upwards I will go.

Dear Mom and Dad - What would I do without you? You pick me up when I'm down and I love how the 3 of us all text each other at the same time. The two of you know me better than I know myself and you have taught me so much about how to love, grow and be myself. I love you both from the bottom of my heart xxx

Dear F - Thank you for being one of the greatest friends a girl could wish for, I love that you are such an important part of my life now xx

Dear S - Feel better soon hun. Thank you for picking me up last Thursday and setting me back onto the right path again. I adore our friendship, I love how we don't have to speak to each other every day and yet we both know that the other person is there no matter what xx

Dear Sleep - So the sleeping tablets make me sleep but without them I find myself tossing and turning all night napping for an hour here and there. Please stop being so elusive so that I can maybe start feeling a bit more like a human being again.

Dear Tetley - I love the cuddly mood you are in at the minute, you make me so happy - best present ever!

Dear H - I am struggling every day to figure out what I should do about our friendship, I don't want us to not be a part of each others lives and yet I feel like I have been chewed up and spat out. This all started from a simple understanding which has run away from us. I hope that with time we are able to patch things up x

Dear Train Users - Please PLEASE eat with your mouth closed, no-one wants to see your food going round and round your mouth, not only is it disgusting it is also hugely impolite. STOP IT!

Dear Stuart - This week I saved the best till last! Thank you for being there to dish out hugs, comfort, words of wisdom, advice, a shoulder to cry on and to reassure me time and time again that I will get better. You really are 1 in a million and I have no way to show you just how grateful I am for everything you do. xxxx

Enjoy your weekend guys xx