Struggle

I am trying so hard believe me I am, I don't want this blog to be somewhere where all I do is complain but I'm just not sure I am coping all that well at the minute. It is easy for me to paint a smile on my face, often behind a mask of foundation, to pretend that everything is ok but deep down it really isn't. I count calories obsessively - I can't allow myself to go above a certain amount each day no matter how hungry I become. I exercise, not for the buzz it gives me but because I know I am burning fat. I am constantly cold, I can't sleep, my body feels every knock, I am covered in bruises, I am full of self loathing and every single day I fight a battle no one else can see.

I feel like a failure, I wanted to be able to document my victory against my eating disorder, but right now I'm not winning, I am failing miserably. I am cranky, my moods are up and down - my poor husband doesn't know if he is coming or going. I want to fight with everything I have but at the minute my eating disorder is stronger than me.

Every time I pick the lowest calorie food available or I go without food I let myself down, I let Stuart down, I let down my friends and family and most importantly of all I let down all those people who believe I can be stronger, who believe I can fight and who believe I will get better. All I can do is promise to keep trying, promise to keep fighting and promise to be the best that I can be.