Tuesday, 20 August 2013


I am trying so hard believe me I am, I don't want this blog to be somewhere where all I do is complain but I'm just not sure I am coping all that well at the minute. It is easy for me to paint a smile on my face, often behind a mask of foundation, to pretend that everything is ok but deep down it really isn't. I count calories obsessively - I can't allow myself to go above a certain amount each day no matter how hungry I become. I exercise, not for the buzz it gives me but because I know I am burning fat. I am constantly cold, I can't sleep, my body feels every knock, I am covered in bruises, I am full of self loathing and every single day I fight a battle no one else can see.

I feel like a failure, I wanted to be able to document my victory against my eating disorder, but right now I'm not winning, I am failing miserably. I am cranky, my moods are up and down - my poor husband doesn't know if he is coming or going. I want to fight with everything I have but at the minute my eating disorder is stronger than me.

Every time I pick the lowest calorie food available or I go without food I let myself down, I let Stuart down, I let down my friends and family and most importantly of all I let down all those people who believe I can be stronger, who believe I can fight and who believe I will get better. All I can do is promise to keep trying, promise to keep fighting and promise to be the best that I can be.


  1. You are not letting anyone down. You aren't.

    You are travelling a long road, sometimes, the road will wind and you think you are back where you started, that is when you have to look back and see just how far you have truly come.


  2. You're not letting anyone down. Sometimes, the mere act of not giving up completely takes more strength than anyone will ever know.