Baby

This weekend it was my husbands birthday so we had a few people round for a BBQ to celebrate, my sister in law brought along my adorable nephew and niece and like a bolt of lightening it hit me - I really want a baby. I've always wanted a family, but it was something that was way off in the future, I didn't want a baby straight after getting married because I wanted to be selfish and have Stuart to myself for a couple of years first. In my head there were things I wanted to achieve in life before becoming a mommy - I wanted us to own our own house, to have had amazing holidays that were just for us, to see the world, to have firm ideas where our careers were heading, but I realised this weekend that we can still do all those things just with a baby in tow. We both love to travel and sure we would have to take more luggage but what child doesn't want to experience new things?

I know having a baby isn't going to be that easy, not only do I already have a diagnosis of Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries to deal with, I also have the eating disorder. Its not simply a case of jumping into bed together and then 9 months later giving birth to a baby who is the perfect blend of us both. I need to have regular periods - something that hasn't happened since I was 21, I need my body to able to support not only me but also a baby who would rely on me for everything. At the minute I can barely look after myself let alone support a growing baby too, but I figured that I need a goal, I need my eating disorder to know that I want something more than I need her in my life.

Is having a baby going to be hard, you bet your life it is. At the minute I struggle to let my husband see me naked, let alone have sex with me - the way I understand it sex is important in the baby making process!! I have a fear of gaining any weight at all, my life is controlled by calories and food and how I am going to make it through each day without 'being greedy'. I don't want to get older and discover that the eating disorder has ruined my chances of conceiving, I know there is a chance that my body is already damaged beyond repair, but I really believe that I am destined to have children. If I can't conceive naturally then I want to adopt - but again I need to be able to prove that I can take care of myself before I can be responsible for another human being.

I am not going to let my eating disorder ruin any more of my life, I need to stop letting her win battles, I need to learn how to block her voice out, I need to remember that every time I give into her I am pushing that baby further away,