Today

Today a friend of mine is getting married - a friend who was there when I said my vows, a friend who was there through break ups and new relationships, tears and laughter. I am not at the wedding, not because I don't want to be but because I am not invited, bridges have been burnt and although I have tried to reconcile my efforts have been in vain. I won't be there to watch her walk down the aisle, or see her promise to love her new husband through the good times and the bad, I wont see them dance, or toast the happy couple. Instead I will be here, thinking about them both, sending them all the love in the world and then some. Sure we may not speak anymore but that doesn't stop a part of my heart from belonging to her.

A & K I wish you all the happiness and love in the world xxx

Recovery

Struggle

I am trying so hard believe me I am, I don't want this blog to be somewhere where all I do is complain but I'm just not sure I am coping all that well at the minute. It is easy for me to paint a smile on my face, often behind a mask of foundation, to pretend that everything is ok but deep down it really isn't. I count calories obsessively - I can't allow myself to go above a certain amount each day no matter how hungry I become. I exercise, not for the buzz it gives me but because I know I am burning fat. I am constantly cold, I can't sleep, my body feels every knock, I am covered in bruises, I am full of self loathing and every single day I fight a battle no one else can see.

I feel like a failure, I wanted to be able to document my victory against my eating disorder, but right now I'm not winning, I am failing miserably. I am cranky, my moods are up and down - my poor husband doesn't know if he is coming or going. I want to fight with everything I have but at the minute my eating disorder is stronger than me.

Every time I pick the lowest calorie food available or I go without food I let myself down, I let Stuart down, I let down my friends and family and most importantly of all I let down all those people who believe I can be stronger, who believe I can fight and who believe I will get better. All I can do is promise to keep trying, promise to keep fighting and promise to be the best that I can be.

Attention Seeking?

Since I have revealed all about my ongoing battle with an eating disorder I have been inundated with messages thanking me for being so open and honest about what I am going through, these messages bring me a great source of comfort and support, in times of need I am able to look back at the messages and I am given a strength I never knew I had, however I have also had messages accusing me of attention seeking, this got me wondering - can you be too honest sometimes?

I tweet and blog for myself, to keep in touch with friends and to connect with other people who have similar interests to me. Sure recently my tweets have been a bit too blunt and to the point recently, but they have been documenting my struggle, a struggle that I have shared on twitter since the very beginning of this year. By contrast my facebook page is surprisingly eating disorder free, there have been a couple of links back to this blog but there are no status updates about my feelings, lack of food etc... Why do I find it so easy to share my inner most thoughts and feelings with strangers and not with friends?

I have a couple of theories to answer both questions, firstly for me on twitter and on here I am able to be 'myself'. I am able to let people into the darkest crevices of my mind because (and this is the most important part) I don't know who is reading it at any given time, for all I know none of my friends read this blog or follow me on twitter so I feel I can speak more freely. My facebook page is shared with those people I know socially and professionally, whilst I know none of these people would judge me based on a mental health illness it still worries me beyond belief. This is an ongoing problem for me, I find it far too easy to put a face on and pretend everything is ok instead of facing up to the problems and confronting them head on. Can you be too honest, in my opinion no. Sharing my story and struggle has enabled other people to realise they are not alone, I have had messages from family, friends and complete strangers telling me their own stories, stories which in many cases have gone untold for a number of years.

I have been backwards and forwards with myself about whether I should continue using this blog to voice my own thoughts and feelings or whether I should bow down to those people who think over sharing means I am obviously seeking attention. After much deliberation I have decided to keep on going, I started this blog for me and there is noway I am going to let strangers manipulate me enough to stop doing something that gives me pleasure and an outlet for all the messed up, jumbled up thoughts in my head.

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and has sent me messages of support, there are no words to express my gratitude towards you all.

Hats, hats, hats

This week I have been searching for a way to make myself feel better, for me many of the things that used to bring me pleasure are now on the banned list - eating out, exercise, so I have rediscovered my love of a good hat. To me hats can hide a multitude of sins as well as making me feel glamourous. Some of the comments we got after venturing out in hats were hilarious - my mom likened us to the Beckhams (until Stuart wears a sarong i'm not too worried), we had comparisons to The Good Life, and my aunt even compared Stuart to my beloved grandpa!

Hat - Topshop

T-shirt - Primark
Skirt - Primark
Cardigan - Gok at Sainsburys

Cap - Ted Baker

T-shirt - Holister
Shorts - Republic
Watch - Armani

See, a hat can turn the normal into the glamourous!

Baby

This weekend it was my husbands birthday so we had a few people round for a BBQ to celebrate, my sister in law brought along my adorable nephew and niece and like a bolt of lightening it hit me - I really want a baby. I've always wanted a family, but it was something that was way off in the future, I didn't want a baby straight after getting married because I wanted to be selfish and have Stuart to myself for a couple of years first. In my head there were things I wanted to achieve in life before becoming a mommy - I wanted us to own our own house, to have had amazing holidays that were just for us, to see the world, to have firm ideas where our careers were heading, but I realised this weekend that we can still do all those things just with a baby in tow. We both love to travel and sure we would have to take more luggage but what child doesn't want to experience new things?

I know having a baby isn't going to be that easy, not only do I already have a diagnosis of Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries to deal with, I also have the eating disorder. Its not simply a case of jumping into bed together and then 9 months later giving birth to a baby who is the perfect blend of us both. I need to have regular periods - something that hasn't happened since I was 21, I need my body to able to support not only me but also a baby who would rely on me for everything. At the minute I can barely look after myself let alone support a growing baby too, but I figured that I need a goal, I need my eating disorder to know that I want something more than I need her in my life.

Is having a baby going to be hard, you bet your life it is. At the minute I struggle to let my husband see me naked, let alone have sex with me - the way I understand it sex is important in the baby making process!! I have a fear of gaining any weight at all, my life is controlled by calories and food and how I am going to make it through each day without 'being greedy'. I don't want to get older and discover that the eating disorder has ruined my chances of conceiving, I know there is a chance that my body is already damaged beyond repair, but I really believe that I am destined to have children. If I can't conceive naturally then I want to adopt - but again I need to be able to prove that I can take care of myself before I can be responsible for another human being.

I am not going to let my eating disorder ruin any more of my life, I need to stop letting her win battles, I need to learn how to block her voice out, I need to remember that every time I give into her I am pushing that baby further away,