Happy Anniversary

This is a blog post dedicated to my darling husband Stuart. A year ago today in front of family and friends we exchanged vows, promised to love each other and danced the night away as husband and wife, a year later and life couldn't be better!

Dear Meemo,

The traditional present when celebrating your one year anniversary is paper, I have been backwards and forwards with what to give you, I wanted it to be something meaningful, something which you could keep forever, which you could look back on when we are old(er) and grey(er) and remember the first year of our life together as Mr and Mrs Phazey, then it hit me - I could write you a letter on here, the blog that has supported me and helped me through the difficult times, this blog will never disappear and so therefore this letter to you will live forever.

A year ago I remember having no nerves at all, why would I, I was about to marry the man I adored, in front of all the people who mean the most to me. The minutes ticked by so slowly, and yet when I look back they all merge into one - getting my hair and make up done, laughing with friends, tears with my mom, a champagne toast until finally I got to put on my dress and make my way over to you in church. The moment I saw you was one I will never forget, everything else melted away, it was just you and me. The ceremony passed in the blink of an eye, but the most important thing was that we were now husband and wife. The wedding was the start of our lives together, we had become one and we were now a force to be reckoned with!

Married life started off blissfully, two weeks in paradise, with nothing to do but spend time together. When we got home reality hit - neither of us worked for a month so money was tight, but rather than letting it get us down we budgeted, spent days in the garden playing cards, having walks along the beach, celebrating birthdays with BBQs and picnics on the beach. Then you were offered a job in Norfolk, for 3 months we spent our days wishing away the days until Friday evening so that we could spend 2 days together. It was tough but we got through it, whatever life could throw at us we were stronger.

Now we are happily settled, in our perfect little house with pets and a routine. Sure we argue, but what couple doesn't? You have been there for me throughout the darkest period of my life, at the end of the phone when I needed to cry, holding my hand through the night, reassuring me, telling me over and over again that I am strong. I know that without you by my side this battle would be so much harder. You inspire me every day, I love seeing you walk through the door with a smile on your face, listen to you talking about your job, laughing at the cricket, making up nicknames for each other, planning our lives together.

Thank you for the last year, thank you for being my best friend, my soul mate, my confidante, my husband. Heres to many more years together.

Love you today, tomorrow, always,

Gemma

xxx

Spicy honey-glazed chicken

I'm not a big meat eater, despite being constantly told that I need to up my intake of red meat I just don't enjoy it so I avoid it like the plague. I do enjoy chicken, although it does get a little bit boring after a while, this recipe was ridiculously easy to make and tasted delicious - hubby has requested it again which is always a good indicator that i'm on to a winner!!

Ingredients:
4 chicken breasts
3 tbsp honey
Juice of 1 lemon
2 tbsp olive oil
Pinch of chilli flakes

Method:
Heat the oven to 200C/180C fan/Gas 6.
Put the chicken in a bowl and toss with the honey, the lemon juice, the olive oil and chilli.
Cover with cling film and leave to marinate for 20 minutes.
Heat a frying pan over a high heat and sear the chicken breasts for 2-3 minutes until golden.
Bake (on baking paper) for 15-20 minutes until the juices run clear.
Serve

I served with asparagus, spinach and baby tomatoes.

Enjoy!!

The Smallest Step

Today I am tentatively taking the first step towards rebuilding myself, it may only be a small step but it is one in the right direction. No longer am I going to let the things that have already happened bother me, I am going to accept that the past is the past and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I am fortunate to be able to surround myself with people who I love and people who want me to succeed with my ambitions. Many months from now I will be able to look back at today (and this blog post) and know that I managed it, that regardless of how many tears or feelings of doubt that there may be along the way, I was able to take the difficult first step. 

Friday Letters #029

Wow this week has really run away with me, its been a little bit crazy just how much has happened in a short space of time.

Dear ???? - I don't know who to address this one too but it is directed at the total imbecile who decided to break into my husbands car on Sunday evening to steal a pair of sunglasses and a watch, I sincerely hope that you got what you wanted as my husband didn't get home until gone 2am and then had to get up early to sort his window out. Seriously some people in this world really do need to take a long hard look at themselves.

Dear Bloggers - Thank you for all your help and support over the last few months, you have accepted me and made me feel like a part of a community. I love that.

Dear Bailey - I love you!! Bailey is the newest addition to the Phazey household and I am completely and utterly in love with him. Tetley isn't so sure yet, he has had a sniff and seems quite happy yet he is utterly terrified once Bailey starts hopping around. There is a picture at the bottom of this post.

Dear Mom and Dad - This Sunday is my parents wedding anniversary, so I just want to wish them a very happy anniversary. They are a constant source of inspiration to me, I just hope that Stuart and I are able to go through our life together as happy as they are. xxx

Dear Felicity - Thank you for always picking me up, giving me advice and for being the greatest friend a girl could ever need. Love you xxx

Dear Self - Keep going, you are getting there. It's a long slow path but the journey is well worth it.

Dear Stuart - Thank you for everything, cannot wait to celebrate our 1st year of married life together in a couple of weeks xxxx

Dear Body - Just keep going, it is so nearly time for a rest, just please don't shut down yet.

Dear Weather - Please can we have some sun? It is June after all.

Bailey on Stuarts flip flops

Enjoy your weekend guys, hope it is full of fun, love and sunshine.

Advice giving

I am good at giving advice to other people, yet I am absolutely hopeless at helping myself. I recently saw this post by the lovely Lindsay and it inspired me to think about giving myself some advice, so here goes....

Worrying about something will not stop or prevent it from happening, prepare by all means but don't avoid a situation based on the what ifs.

Accept a compliment, apply it, wear it with pride, rather than brushing it off and forgetting about it.

Wear things to make you feel good, whether that be an amazing dress, red lipstick, matching underwear, do it, hold your head high.

Live for the now, what's happened has already been and gone, reliving it will not change the outcome.

Be spontaneous, the best days of my life have been as a result of doing something unplanned.

See friends, surround yourself with people you love and who love you back, the difference is astonishing.

Pay yourself one compliment everyday, write it down and look back through the compliments whenever you are feeling down.

Laugh often.

Is there anything you would add to the list?

Friday Letters #028

This week has been all over the place, my emotions have been all over the place and yet I have survived, I am getting stronger and knowing this is having an influence on how I feel.

Dear Readers - Thank you so much for all the messages of support after this post, I was overwhelmed by the lovely messages I received, both in support of my battle and a few of people sharing their stories with me. I want you to know that I will treasure those messages for the rest of my life, and look back at them whenever I need a lift xxx

Dear Stuart - Thank you for always being there, for supporting me, for being a shoulder to cry on, for everything you do for me, thank you xxx

Dear F - I love our friendship and I love the support you give me every day, you make me stronger by the day. xxx

Dear Weather - Please stay sunny, the sun makes me feel so much more energised plus it is June now so surely we can expect some sun?

Dear Year - Wow you have gone by so quickly, this time last year I was excitedly organising the last bits in the run up to my wedding and now Stuart and I are busy making plans for our first anniversary together :)

Dear Tetley - I love you, but I don't love you when you creep underneath me during press ups and force me to hold a plank position whilst you look at me all sweet like butter wouldn't melt! 

Dear Twitter - You are constant source of amusement to me, tweets I wrote ages ago are suddenly being favourited and re-tweeted all over the place. 

Dear Self - Remember that you are stronger than you believe, that no matter what life throws at you you can overcome it, don't let the little things become big things.

One last thing - I am keeping myself awake at night because of constant coughing - does anyone know something that will let me get a decent nights sleep?

Enjoy your weekend guys, whatever your plans :)

Life

Amen to this :)

Secrets

Secrets can be a great thing, I am currently planning ideas for my husband to help celebrate our first wedding anniversary and I want him to be completely surprised with his gifts, however not all secrets are good. There are secrets that we keep, those that we hide deep down inside ourselves so that other people don't judge us, today I shared one of my secrets on the lovely Jennys blog. I decided to share it there because I just didn't have the strength to publish it here, I can't tell you why, I had it all typed up but when the mouse was hovering over the publish button I started to panic, I came out in a cold sweat and realised that the only way to get it out was to ask someone else for help.

I believe that sharing the secrets that are harming us is the best way to start healing, therefore I am hoping that today will be the first step forward. 

Breakthrough

This weekend was a breakthrough for me, yes I still controlled what I ate, yes I was highly aware of my surroundings, but for the first time in a long long time I felt free of the anxiety. I was myself, I had a giggle, a drink, I felt relaxed and happy. Happy is something that I had forgotten about, I can force a smile and laugh with the best of them but it was all a lie, not this weekend, this weekend I chatted with my best friend and her family, made friends whilst Stuart was playing cricket and spent less time in my head than normal. I know I am not 'better' that the road I am on is a long one, one with many twists and turns but this weekend has shown me that deep down inside I am still there, the person I was before the anxiety crept up and took over my life.

Progress:
I chatted with strangers without worrying about what they thought of me, I felt less self conscious than normal, I ate real food, I was happy - really happy, I smiled, I laughed. 

The above list may seem small to some people but for me it is just the breakthrough I needed to know that I should keep battling on. The anxiety and food issues aren't just going to disappear, the urges to control calories, up my exercise regime, the fear of disappointing people or what will happen if I say no haven't vanished but the fire in my belly has been reignited and I am ready to fight and fight hard to be the person I was before.