Thursday, 9 May 2013

Two steps forward, one leap backwards

After feeling so happy and carefree for the past few days it was inevitable that something was going to happen to challenge me, what I didn't expect was everything to collide on one day leaving me unable to cope and feeling like I have been knocked clean off the path I was on.
Yesterday started like any ordinary day, I got up, got ready for work and walked to the train station where I enjoyed my regular chat with the guy at the ticket office before going to wait for my train. The first incident happened when my train was cancelled, no big deal I thought, I contacted parents to let them know I'd be a few minutes late, rang a taxi to speed me from the station to the dance studio and congratulated myself on not letting the anxiety win. The next incident was when my connecting train was delayed, I knew the parents were expecting me to be late and yet I could not stop the anxiety creeping in, every delayed minute felt like an hour and I found myself shaking, checking the time every few seconds and feeling dismayed at how quickly it seemed to be passing. Stupidly the train was only delayed by 3 minutes but this was enough to send me into overdrive. I arrived at work panicking with a million things rushing through my head, none of them positive. I struggled through the first class and found myself relaxing and easing back into feeling myself when incident number 3 attacked. A nice, painful flair up of my endometriosis, a wave of intense pain every 10 or so minutes coupled with nausea, dizziness and the knowledge that I had to carry on teaching and get to Stuart before I could go to the local walk in centre. A crippling 3 hours later I was seen by a lovely doctor who gave me some incredible painkillers and supported my decision not to be admitted. 
Last night I felt like a failure, the positive vibes from Monday are all but a distant memory and I am back under the black cloud of anxiety. I was expecting blows, I was expecting my path to change direction, but I was not prepared for the overwhelming feeling of despair and loneliness that would accomplish it.


  1. You are definitely not a failure!

  2. aw hun, the flair up sounds dreadful. That kind of day would send me into a frenzy, so don't let it make you feel worse. You are so brave x