Two steps forward, one leap backwards

After feeling so happy and carefree for the past few days it was inevitable that something was going to happen to challenge me, what I didn't expect was everything to collide on one day leaving me unable to cope and feeling like I have been knocked clean off the path I was on.

Yesterday started like any ordinary day, I got up, got ready for work and walked to the train station where I enjoyed my regular chat with the guy at the ticket office before going to wait for my train. The first incident happened when my train was cancelled, no big deal I thought, I contacted parents to let them know I'd be a few minutes late, rang a taxi to speed me from the station to the dance studio and congratulated myself on not letting the anxiety win. The next incident was when my connecting train was delayed, I knew the parents were expecting me to be late and yet I could not stop the anxiety creeping in, every delayed minute felt like an hour and I found myself shaking, checking the time every few seconds and feeling dismayed at how quickly it seemed to be passing. Stupidly the train was only delayed by 3 minutes but this was enough to send me into overdrive. I arrived at work panicking with a million things rushing through my head, none of them positive. I struggled through the first class and found myself relaxing and easing back into feeling myself when incident number 3 attacked. A nice, painful flair up of my endometriosis, a wave of intense pain every 10 or so minutes coupled with nausea, dizziness and the knowledge that I had to carry on teaching and get to Stuart before I could go to the local walk in centre. A crippling 3 hours later I was seen by a lovely doctor who gave me some incredible painkillers and supported my decision not to be admitted. 

Last night I felt like a failure, the positive vibes from Monday are all but a distant memory and I am back under the black cloud of anxiety. I was expecting blows, I was expecting my path to change direction, but I was not prepared for the overwhelming feeling of despair and loneliness that would accomplish it.