It starts off as an innocuous thought somewhere deep in my subconscious, a thought I can't even begin to vocalise because I don't know what it is. It's clever though, it plants a seed which takes root and eventually spreads into my conscious mind telling me no. No you don't need food, no that person doesn't want to talk to you, no you don't look good - you get the picture. This one thought, that I had absolutely no control over, has left me living in the shadow of its branches, a spectacular tree which I have watered and nurtured over many months has now become such a part of me that it's hard to let go, but let go I must.
As I wandered through the leaves and branches which the recent storm had covered the local path with I was struck by the realisation that all my tree of doubt needed was a damn good shake. I can't get rid of my tree with one shake, but I can stop nurturing it, I can listen to my therapist and slowly but surely add more food to my safe list, I can listen to my husband when he tells me I look good, I can believe that I will get better.
My tree has drained me of the believe that I deserve to be here, as it had grown I have shrunk, now is the time to fight back. I deserve to be living, I have a right and a reason to be here. I may not yet know what my purpose in life is but I know I have one and I know that this eating disorder is not the end for me.
Excellent analogy. No, you can't uproot the tree right away but you can remember that you're the only one feeding and watering it, for sure. No-one else is.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what my purpose in life is either, but I figure if I can look after those around me and bring a bit of happiness and love into their lives that's a good start - and that's definitely something you do.