Monday, 16 September 2013

A ramble

I have battled long and hard with myself about giving you a name, but why would I do that, I want you out of my life not to invite you in to invade more of my body. For far too long I have felt your presence, like an uninvited pest you appear at the worst possible times, sapping my energy, destroying my positivity and gnawing away at the little self confidence I have left. To anyone looking in my life probably seems perfect - I have a job I love, incredible family and friends and a husband who I love more than I ever thought possible, meet me anywhere and I'll probably have a smile on my face, a friendly word to say and a spring in my step, but look beneath that. Does my smile ever reach my eyes, can I accept your compliment, no.

I feel worthless, beyond help. I cannot accept just how ill I am because I am able to go about my life, I live on nervous energy, I am consumed by self doubt and crippled with insecurities, this will come as no shock to other sufferers I'm sure we all feel like this, but it will come a massive surprise to a lot of people who are close to me. I have an impenetrable mask, one that never slips, regardless of what is happening in my head I rarely let anyone in. That is why this blog is so important to me, it is the one place where I feel I can be myself, I am hidden behind this laptop, I can cry and pour my heart out here, yet by the time it is published I am healed - the mask is back.

Every single day is hard. From deciding what I will allow myself to eat, when I can eat and how I will avoid eating in certain situations, food is never far from my thoughts. I obsessively collect recipes so that I can cook scrumptious meals for my husband and send him to work with all kinds of baked goods, yet very rarely will I allow myself to sample any of them. I love food I just hate what I think it does to my body.

I am weak, I find myself giving in to you all the time and it infuriates me that you can control me so easily, but the day is coming when I will be strong enough to fight back.

1 comment:

  1. The strength to fight is already within you. She is just a poison you need to squeeze out, day by day.

    I've been in recovery 2 years and still go through the same old debates - but I generally come out on top - it's about showing her who's boss even if she screams at you.

    Stay Strong. (and it DOES make sense - but I guess my thinking is also nonsensical most of the time - so I'm not sure it's a stable assurance!)