Words To Live By

Found this quote on Pinterest last night and thought it was something that I could do with remembering! Where better to put it than on my blog which has become my sounding board for everything, ladies and gentlemen the Dalai Lama presents my new words to live by:

Asda

Oh Asda, how I love your bargain deals, your George clothes and the fact that you are normally cheaper than my go to supermarket. Tonight though asda you have lost yourself a customer. I myself suffer from a mental illness, more than one in fact, and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with this fact and even longer to realise how much stigma is attached to me and others. I'm not sure who decided in that marketing meeting that it was ok to realise a costume depicting a 'mental health patient' clutching a plastic meat cleaver covered in blood yet somehow not only was it agreed on it was actually made. Below there is a picture of the costume and me - a real life mental health patient, I'm pretty sure there aren't many comparisons to be made. Asda this is in exceptionally poor taste and I (and many others) will be imploring you to rectify the situation immediately.

Down and almost out

The past week has been tough, the eating disorder has well and truly sucked the life out of me. I've become used to sailing through life in a bit of a mist recently however things have taken a turn for the worst. I seem to have lost my feelings - I am incapable of feeling anything well except for anger and frustration, those feelings are well and truly showing their ugly faces. 

Since the anxiety first reared it's head I have prided myself on being able to carry on working, I have painted a smile on my face every day for the past year, gritted my teeth and kept on going and now I find I can't. For the past couple of weeks I've lost the love I have for work, I am struggling to get myself motivated, my brain is a fog of mixed up thoughts. I so desperately want to be moving forward with my treatment yet I'm not sure how, I want to scream and cry and shout but I have spent so long behind my mask that I now can't escape. 

This eating disorder has taken so much of my life I am determined to not let it take anymore, however I am reaching out to you for ideas on how I can pull myself out of the stupor I have found myself in. Any and all ideas welcome.

A ramble

I have battled long and hard with myself about giving you a name, but why would I do that, I want you out of my life not to invite you in to invade more of my body. For far too long I have felt your presence, like an uninvited pest you appear at the worst possible times, sapping my energy, destroying my positivity and gnawing away at the little self confidence I have left. To anyone looking in my life probably seems perfect - I have a job I love, incredible family and friends and a husband who I love more than I ever thought possible, meet me anywhere and I'll probably have a smile on my face, a friendly word to say and a spring in my step, but look beneath that. Does my smile ever reach my eyes, can I accept your compliment, no.

I feel worthless, beyond help. I cannot accept just how ill I am because I am able to go about my life, I live on nervous energy, I am consumed by self doubt and crippled with insecurities, this will come as no shock to other sufferers I'm sure we all feel like this, but it will come a massive surprise to a lot of people who are close to me. I have an impenetrable mask, one that never slips, regardless of what is happening in my head I rarely let anyone in. That is why this blog is so important to me, it is the one place where I feel I can be myself, I am hidden behind this laptop, I can cry and pour my heart out here, yet by the time it is published I am healed - the mask is back.

Every single day is hard. From deciding what I will allow myself to eat, when I can eat and how I will avoid eating in certain situations, food is never far from my thoughts. I obsessively collect recipes so that I can cook scrumptious meals for my husband and send him to work with all kinds of baked goods, yet very rarely will I allow myself to sample any of them. I love food I just hate what I think it does to my body.

I am weak, I find myself giving in to you all the time and it infuriates me that you can control me so easily, but the day is coming when I will be strong enough to fight back.

Why I Blog

Last night I was following with interest a discussion on twitter about blogging, there seemed to be many people saying that they would stop following/reading a blog if it was filled with too much negativity. I don't blog for other people, I blog for myself, but that doesn't mean I want to turn people away. I am very aware that this blog has become a place for me to vent, to express my feelings about my battle with an Eating Disorder, a place to celebrate my successes but also to mourn the times I feel like a failure. Does that make my blog one of the unpopular ones?

I am not going to change my blog in order to please a nameless few who feel that a blog should be a celebration of all the good that is going on in the world. I am going through a tough time at the minute and this blog serves as a reminder to me to keep on fighting. I receive so many messages of support from people who are secretly battling their own demons, for that reason I will keep on being honest, I will keep on sharing my voice and hopefully inspire other people to fight too.

Ana

You picked me because you think I'm weak,

You picked me because I'm scared,

You are the one I battle,

The one who's always there.

You brought me comfort,

You brought control,

You changed my life,

Confused my goals.

But now I'm getting stronger,

I see the error in your ways,

You are not the friend I needed,

More an enemy in disguise.

I will not let you beat me,

I will not let you win,

I will not let you take my life,

I'm tougher than you think.

The Pyjama Store

I don't know about you but I love a good pair of pyjamas, nine times out of ten as soon as I get home I am straight into my pyjamas or loungewear, so you can imagine my excitement when I was invited to the pyjama store event on Wednesday evening. The event was held at the beautiful Millennium Hotel located on Grosvenor Square so of course I couldn't resist sitting in the park with a coffee before hand - London on a hot summers evening really is beautiful.

I wasn't too sure what to expect from the event, I went stag and although I was concerned I might be stuck on the periphery I needn't have worried, as soon as I walked in the lovely Claire from Lucy Dartford PR introduced herself (FYI she was wearing the cutest dress!) and handed me a glass of champagne, from then on the night was lovely. After meeting some fellow bloggers we spent most of the evening gossiping, drinking champagne and lusting over beautiful pyjamas.

Having great pyjamas does come at a cost though - isn't that always the way - however I can confirm that they were easily the softest pyjamas I have come across. I have to admit I don't spend a fortune on PJs, most often purchasing from La Senza, Primark or Stuarts wardrobe, I have now seen the error of my ways! No longer will I wear PJs that aren't matching, I am determined to become one of those ladies who looks glamorous even at bed time!

Glorious London evening.

Fellow Bloggers Stacey, Lizzie, myself and Georgina.

Fallen a little bit in love with the black dressing gown.

Love, love, love the print on these.

Fell in love with these two outfits for my Nephew and Niece!

August

August is one of my favourite months for lots of reasons, although mostly it's because both Stuart and I get to celebrate our birthdays. As we were both off work for 4 weeks we have been able to spend lots of time with each other and reconnect with our aims and goals together. Some days we did absolutely nothing at all and other days we fitted lots into a short space of time. We have been lucky enough to be gifted with memberships to both the English Heritage and the National Trust as birthday presents so we are looking forward to doing more exploring thanks to those. I've missed blogging but I have started a journal which I write in every night before bed, I find it helps refocus my mind and get rid of the negative thoughts that were plaguing me most evenings. I am excited to get back into blogging more though :)

A countryside walk

Birthday flowers from my parents

Birthday Champagne

Sweating after a game of badminton 

Chocolate coated strawberries and drinks

Picnic

Reculver 

At the top of a very blustery hill