Underneath

I live a lie. If you met me you'd never guess the battles I fight with anxiety and an eating disorder. I would sit opposite you with a coffee having 'eaten earlier' or feigning no appetite. I would hold a conversation, laugh and appear to have it all. You wouldn't see how much preparation had gone into meeting - the outfit changes, the pep talks, checking menus online should I absolutely have to eat with you. I have mastered the ability to just blend in, I don't stand out, I don't demand attention. You probably walk past many people like me every day, individuals desperately trying to look like they have everything under control as they slowly crumble away. 

I don't know which me is 'me' anymore. I have spent so long projecting the 'everything's fine' lie that I actually really do find myself believing that's the truth. In my messed up mind not eating has become the norm, pushing my body to breaking point is just what people do, denying myself treats just demonstrates will power. In the most underhand way possible my eating disorder has penetrated my soul and started to make me believe that she is correct. On the outside I have my shit together - I talk about needing to book a doctors appointment because I am spiralling downwards yet I haven't picked up the phone. I can tell people what they want to hear, to keep them from knocking on my door, yet I appear to be incapable of helping myself.

Don't be fooled by my appearance, I may be smiling but scratch the surface and I am falling apart. 

Emotions

I have been riding a tidal wave of emotions just recently, the last few months have been hard - really hard. My body has reacted violently and my brain has no idea what is going on. One minute I am happy go lucky and the next a text message has me bursting into tears. Overwhelming tiredness doesn't help, I am caught in a never ending circle of napping in the afternoon and then being unable to sleep at night. I have a constant feeling that I have failed, this relapse has hit me hard, probably because I honestly didn't see it coming. Yes I only had perhaps three weeks of eating 'normally' but since then I have restricted like crazy, my list of safe foods has got shorter and although I am fighting that disgusting voice that tells me I'm not good enough she has been getting louder just recently. Running is the only time that I feel completely free - immersed in working my body and taking great satisfaction in feeling tired and sweaty when I have finished, the only problem is I can't differentiate between what I am feeling and what 'She' is feeling.

I will not give up though. I will ride this emotional wave and I will come out stronger than ever before. I am not prepared to roll over and let 'her' storm though my life. Whilst I have breath in my body I will fight as hard as I can.

March

March was a wonderful month overall, the sun shined for a brief period and I feel like I began really fighting back against my eating disorder making conscious decisions to not let her voice win.

In March I:
Took the next lot of my teaching exams - terrifying and now the dreaded wait for results begins.
Started learning Dutch.
Spent a lovely weekend at home looking through old family photos with my brothers.
Signed up to run a 10k to support the Matt Hampson foundation.
Maybe got a bit too over excited when I saw the new born lambs in the field.

In April I:
Will start tracking my food intake again as I feel that I have relapsed a little bit just recently.
Will enjoy my Easter break - lots of rest and relaxation planned!
Will be training carefully for the 10k.
Will start organising my plans for summer - I intend to visit as many people as possible :)

Burn out

This blog is supposed to be a place to be honest, a place I can pour my heart out without fear of reputations or judgement, yet just recently I have been avoiding being on here like the plague, the big question is why? Why am I so scared of delving into my soul and plucking out my feelings? What am I so scared of that I don't want to examine?

For a long time - 6 months to be exact - I have worked every single day, even taking time out on Christmas day to study, life has become an endless round of studying for my upcoming exam, preparing lessons or choreographing routines and I am exhausted. My brain is wired, constantly looking for something although I have no idea what that something may be. I am always on the verge of tears, be they tears of frustration, or anger, or sadness I don't know but I do know they are always present, threatening to fall at any given moment. When did life become so tough? Is this really what being a grown up entails?

It's not just my brain which is tired, my body is exhausted and breaking down before my eyes. I am covered in bruises, some of them explainable but most of them not. I am plagued by an all consuming headache. I am picking up injuries left right and centre with no explanation for them at all. My body suddenly cannot cope. For years it has supported me through my dance career, it has forgiven me for everything I have put it through, we have survived eating disorders and relapses, diagnoses of endometriosis and polycystic ovaries yet we are currently at loggerheads with each other. How do I get out of this funk I have found myself in?

As you can see there are a lot of questions running around my brain at the moment, that's probably the reason why I can't sleep at night, but that's not it. Life seems to be passing me by. I love dance I really do, but I find myself wondering whether it has consumed my life? At this point in my twenties surely I should be out exploring, discovering new places, new people, new food. Yet it's all I can do to drag my sorry behind to bed every night in the hope that I will be able to grab a few desperate hours of sleep.

I know life isn't perfect for anyone and we are thrown these curveballs every now and then but right now I feel like I am sinking. This is more than the anxiety rearing its head, this is my brain, body and soul screaming at me to stop. I am dying for a holiday - a break from my life, to get out of Kent, to reignite my passion for life and to rediscover exactly who I am.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my moms birthday. For 27 years she has built me up, comforted me, celebrated my successes and rescued me from too many situations that I care to remember. She is my best friend, my confidante and someone I admire immensely. She is strong, determined, loving, caring, a graduate and an incredible nurse. Above all she is the greatest mom I could ask for. For all that you are and for all that you do I love you more than I can ever express.

Happy Birthday mom xxx

February

Wow February has flown by, I honestly cannot believe that it is March already, this year is whizzing by way too quickly for my liking!

In February I:
Helped raise awareness of eating disorders thanks to Beat and Cosmopolitan
Enjoyed a fabulous weekend with my Nephew and Niece - there is nothing better than cuddles with these two:

Finished organising my best friends hen party - so excited!!

Accepted that recovery is hard and that recognising the symptoms of relapsing is important

Finally satisfied my craving for Legally Blonde :)

In March I:

Will be taking my next lot of teaching exams

Hope to pull myself out of the funk I currently find myself in and continue recovering

Will be taking my recovery to the next stage thanks to an extremely understanding GP

Will make more time for myself

Read more

I've realised that I'm not very good at pointing time by for myself to relax and just do nothing. At the minute I am inundated with work, which although great means I feel guilty for relaxing with a book that isn't about ballet.

Reminder

And being proud of myself is nothing to be ashamed of.