Friday, 28 March 2014

Burn out

This blog is supposed to be a place to be honest, a place I can pour my heart out without fear of reputations or judgement, yet just recently I have been avoiding being on here like the plague, the big question is why? Why am I so scared of delving into my soul and plucking out my feelings? What am I so scared of that I don't want to examine?

For a long time - 6 months to be exact - I have worked every single day, even taking time out on Christmas day to study, life has become an endless round of studying for my upcoming exam, preparing lessons or choreographing routines and I am exhausted. My brain is wired, constantly looking for something although I have no idea what that something may be. I am always on the verge of tears, be they tears of frustration, or anger, or sadness I don't know but I do know they are always present, threatening to fall at any given moment. When did life become so tough? Is this really what being a grown up entails?

It's not just my brain which is tired, my body is exhausted and breaking down before my eyes. I am covered in bruises, some of them explainable but most of them not. I am plagued by an all consuming headache. I am picking up injuries left right and centre with no explanation for them at all. My body suddenly cannot cope. For years it has supported me through my dance career, it has forgiven me for everything I have put it through, we have survived eating disorders and relapses, diagnoses of endometriosis and polycystic ovaries yet we are currently at loggerheads with each other. How do I get out of this funk I have found myself in?

As you can see there are a lot of questions running around my brain at the moment, that's probably the reason why I can't sleep at night, but that's not it. Life seems to be passing me by. I love dance I really do, but I find myself wondering whether it has consumed my life? At this point in my twenties surely I should be out exploring, discovering new places, new people, new food. Yet it's all I can do to drag my sorry behind to bed every night in the hope that I will be able to grab a few desperate hours of sleep.

I know life isn't perfect for anyone and we are thrown these curveballs every now and then but right now I feel like I am sinking. This is more than the anxiety rearing its head, this is my brain, body and soul screaming at me to stop. I am dying for a holiday - a break from my life, to get out of Kent, to reignite my passion for life and to rediscover exactly who I am.

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