Aerial Hoop

At the beginning of this year I agreed to finally start challenging myself, after all how can I recover if I only stay in my comfort zone? As I was browsing on facebook I stumbled across an invite to try an aerial hoop class run by Inspire Pole Fitness, before I could change my mind I RSVP'd yes and very quickly got excited!

The class was unbelievable! After a warm up we were straight up onto the hoops, Georgie our instructor worked us hard but to our own individual paces she encouraged us to try out the various hoops to find out which one we preferred. I had an absolute blast - even though the room was mirrored I was working too hard to get hung up on my body and other than a brief moment of anxiety when I first arrived I felt completely calm and relaxed throughout the class. Yes my arms were in pieces for the next couple of days - I actually had to pop some painkillers to wash my hair - but I felt wonderful and very eager to try it out again. Annoyingly I am currently nursing an ankle injury which has prohibited me from attending the current course but I will definitely be signed up for the next one. No matter where you are based then I urge you to give aerial hoops a go, I got a full body workout without actually feeling like I was exercising - perfect!!

A walk in the park

Last weekend Stuart and I had some photos taken as a little gift to ourselves. We are incredibly lucky that we know a very talented photographer - for more information on him then please look here. We had such an amazing time having our photos taken, Peter made us feel really relaxed and Stuart and I are thrilled with the results. I have lots of ideas about how to use a few of the pictures but for now I wanted to share a couple with you guys. Hope you love them as much as I do!

Thank you so much Peter!

Questions

My life is full of unanswered questions at the minute, they float round my brain and cause me distress at the most inconvenient of moments. Therefore I have decided to list them here in the hope that seeing them writing down will help me find the answers and move on.

What will happen my ed therapy ends?

Will I ever be fully recovered?

Will I be able to have children?

What if I end up passing my depression/anxiety/eating disorder/cysts/endometriosis onto my children?

Am I really feeling happy or is that just the medication?

Will I ever be happy with my body?

When will I learn that my happiness doesn't revolve around my dress size?

These are just a few of the questions on my mind and I have no idea how to answer any of them.

Musings

It's 11pm on a Saturday night and I have been in bed for the past hour and a bit, hubby is happily sitting downstairs watching sport (probably football!) on the TV and I have been busy revising and hen do planning. It struck me that a year ago I wouldn't have been able to sit up here on my own, I'd have been downstairs desperately wanting to go to bed but being crippled with anxiety about being alone - what a difference a year makes! Now I love my alone time, I get to read, study, have a bath or just be alone with my thoughts. I spend so much time concentrating on the things that are going badly that I never stop to congratulate myself. Sure food is still a struggle but I've eaten out, cooked, baked and actually enjoyed food on numerous occasions over the last few months. The anxiety is always there in the background but I am a much stronger person that 12 months ago - I can walk into town on my own, lock up the house, speak to strangers and so much more, these are the things I should be dwelling on not the days where I feel like a failure.

Pic seemed appropriate tonight!

It is as I sit here that I realise I can remember almost every negative comment I have ever received, yet recalling positive ones is pretty much impossible. Every day I see the importance of positive reinforcement and how much it can change the day for someone, yet I am my own harshest crticic. Nothing I do is ever good enough, recently I got 85% on a test that I only had 5 weeks to study for - for most people that sort of result is great, me, no I want to know why I didn't get 90%. I dread to think how many times I criticise myself over a 24 hour period, I would track it but I think I would be horrified by the number. Of course  it is this sort of behaviour that my eating disorder thrives on, to be truly recovered then I honestly believe the self doubt has to go, but how? The obvious answer is to start noting when I am paid a compliment, to believe it and own it, but that is easier said than done. I've tried writing them down and reading them back when I've felt low but that vicious voice kicks in again "they only said that so you'd feel better, they don't really mean it". I guess this is one of those areas that I can work on improving this year.

For now I will continue to treasure the alone time I get and use as a chance to escape, to let my imagination run wild, like Alice (in wonderland) I will daydream, who knows where my rabbit hole will lead me...

2014

So we are well and truly into 2014 now and rather than making resolutions I have decided to list those things that I am looking forwards too. I said a rather relieved farewell to 2013 and have welcomed 2014 with open arms. So 2014 lets see what you have in store.

Wishes and dreams for 2014:

Exploring the country with our English Heritage and National Trust memberships
A holiday
Spending more time with my Nephew and Niece
Date nights with Stuart
Coffee catch ups with friends
My best friends wedding
Expanding my dance school
Starting work as a dance examiner
Furthering my training
Take photographs
Keep a record of my time
Kick ana into touch

I want to thank you all for reading this blog and for the support you give me on an almost daily basis, I hope you will be along for the ride this year.

Goodbye 2013

Never have I ever been so pleased to see the end of a year before, 2013 has been my own Annus Horribilis and tomorrow evening I'll be celebrating the fact that I've survived.

For me, the resounding question of 2013 has been 'why me' why have I been dealt these cards and why at this time, terribly self pitying I'm sure you'll agree. From this though I've discovered hidden traits - I'm stronger than I ever imagined, with more passion and determination surging through me than I ever realised was possible. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm in recovery but I am wise enough to know that I can fight, that I don't have to roll over and submit.

This blog has helped me through my low points, but don't get me wrong there have been some fantastic highs this year too. From the birth of my beautiful niece in February to celebrating my first wedding anniversary in June, there has been plenty happening to keep a tentative smile on my face. Ana tried to take those happy times from me, and almost succeeded, but she didn't. I allowed myself to be happy and to celebrate and boy did it feel good!

For me 2013 has been about powering through, knowing that eventually it would end. Learning that relapsing is ok so long as it spurs me on to fight harder. Accepting my flaws and celebrating my strengths. Last year I made a bunch of New Years resolutions all of which I thought would make me happy, today I make only one - to make 2014 the year of me.

Editing life

Therapy sessions are never fun, they force us to delve into our subconscious and reveal all those idiosyncrasies we try so hard to keep hidden away. There are no secrets, no edited pasts, our true selves are on display for a stranger to analyse and make sense of.

I must admit I found therapy hard at first, talking so intimately with a stranger was completely out of my comfort zone, as the weeks have progressed I've found then comforting, they are a place for me to talk about how I really feel without fear of upsetting anyone. Therapy has made me realise how much of myself I edit in order to please other people. A glance at my Facebook page reveals little of my current struggles, little of the anxiety and the battles I fight every day - there life is peachy, a perfect snapshot. On twitter I am more open, I find it easier to share my feelings, perhaps because it's to people who understand my battles, who can offer support and advice to keep me going. Even here on my blog, a place where I can truly be myself I still find myself editing life, I don't write about arguments with my husbands, disagreements with friends etc... I wonder why I find it so hard to be truly honest with myself? Has ana played her nastiest trick yet? Am I simply unable to see all the good because I am drowning in the murky waters below, I hope not, desperately. 

My life isn't perfect of course it isn't, but it is pretty damn good. Having an eating disorder is (unfortunately) part of me, a part that will never go away, so I have to learn to embrace it, to overcome, to shout proudly from the rooftops that I am a fighter. Therapy has taught me to listen to myself, to not beat myself up for imagined failures but to celebrate the positives. From here on in I have made a promise to myself to stop editing, to record my life as it is warts and all, after all what is the point of creating a reminder of life if it isn't my life?