Disappointment

You know what's really hard - constantly feeling disappointed. I'm either disappointed with myself for eating or angry because I haven't eaten which leaves other people feeling disappointed. I am a people pleaser by nature, I very rarely say no and I will do everything in my power to make the people around me happy. I know they'd be ecstatic if I just ate normally, if I woke up one morning back to the old carefree Gemma, I hate that I'm struggling to do the one thing that would please them most. 

I recently had an argument with myself about this very blog, by sharing with you my battles I am inviting you into my life, very often I am overwhelmed by the support you give me and yet I am aware that you want me to get better, by writing here that I am struggling I somehow feel like I am letting you down too. The obvious answer is that I stop writing about the eating disorder but to me that seems like a lie, if I can't be completely true to myself here where can I be? Besides it feels like you guys have become my cheerleaders, you encourage me, support me and remind me constantly that I will get better. So this battle continues... 

The biggest disappointment I face is myself. I often find myself wondering how I ended up on the path - I have spent my whole life surrounded with love - I never dreamt that one day food would become my energy. I hate that I can't bring myself to prepare porridge (it's porridge for crying out loud) because the ED says it's bad but I am disappointed that her voice is winning. Man my brain is all kinds of messed up, it's no wonder that I feel so tired! 

I am in turmoil dear readers, to win this war I need to eat and continue to eat for the rest of my life, if I can't manage to eat one proper meal without feeling disappointed how can I get better? If I don't get better than how will I survive knowing I'll be disappointing all the people I hold near to my heart?

My words to live by right now. Thank you Martin Luther King Jr.