Aerial Hoop

At the beginning of this year I agreed to finally start challenging myself, after all how can I recover if I only stay in my comfort zone? As I was browsing on facebook I stumbled across an invite to try an aerial hoop class run by Inspire Pole Fitness, before I could change my mind I RSVP'd yes and very quickly got excited!

The class was unbelievable! After a warm up we were straight up onto the hoops, Georgie our instructor worked us hard but to our own individual paces she encouraged us to try out the various hoops to find out which one we preferred. I had an absolute blast - even though the room was mirrored I was working too hard to get hung up on my body and other than a brief moment of anxiety when I first arrived I felt completely calm and relaxed throughout the class. Yes my arms were in pieces for the next couple of days - I actually had to pop some painkillers to wash my hair - but I felt wonderful and very eager to try it out again. Annoyingly I am currently nursing an ankle injury which has prohibited me from attending the current course but I will definitely be signed up for the next one. No matter where you are based then I urge you to give aerial hoops a go, I got a full body workout without actually feeling like I was exercising - perfect!!

A walk in the park

Last weekend Stuart and I had some photos taken as a little gift to ourselves. We are incredibly lucky that we know a very talented photographer - for more information on him then please look here. We had such an amazing time having our photos taken, Peter made us feel really relaxed and Stuart and I are thrilled with the results. I have lots of ideas about how to use a few of the pictures but for now I wanted to share a couple with you guys. Hope you love them as much as I do!

Thank you so much Peter!

Questions

My life is full of unanswered questions at the minute, they float round my brain and cause me distress at the most inconvenient of moments. Therefore I have decided to list them here in the hope that seeing them writing down will help me find the answers and move on.

What will happen my ed therapy ends?

Will I ever be fully recovered?

Will I be able to have children?

What if I end up passing my depression/anxiety/eating disorder/cysts/endometriosis onto my children?

Am I really feeling happy or is that just the medication?

Will I ever be happy with my body?

When will I learn that my happiness doesn't revolve around my dress size?

These are just a few of the questions on my mind and I have no idea how to answer any of them.

Musings

It's 11pm on a Saturday night and I have been in bed for the past hour and a bit, hubby is happily sitting downstairs watching sport (probably football!) on the TV and I have been busy revising and hen do planning. It struck me that a year ago I wouldn't have been able to sit up here on my own, I'd have been downstairs desperately wanting to go to bed but being crippled with anxiety about being alone - what a difference a year makes! Now I love my alone time, I get to read, study, have a bath or just be alone with my thoughts. I spend so much time concentrating on the things that are going badly that I never stop to congratulate myself. Sure food is still a struggle but I've eaten out, cooked, baked and actually enjoyed food on numerous occasions over the last few months. The anxiety is always there in the background but I am a much stronger person that 12 months ago - I can walk into town on my own, lock up the house, speak to strangers and so much more, these are the things I should be dwelling on not the days where I feel like a failure.

Pic seemed appropriate tonight!

It is as I sit here that I realise I can remember almost every negative comment I have ever received, yet recalling positive ones is pretty much impossible. Every day I see the importance of positive reinforcement and how much it can change the day for someone, yet I am my own harshest crticic. Nothing I do is ever good enough, recently I got 85% on a test that I only had 5 weeks to study for - for most people that sort of result is great, me, no I want to know why I didn't get 90%. I dread to think how many times I criticise myself over a 24 hour period, I would track it but I think I would be horrified by the number. Of course  it is this sort of behaviour that my eating disorder thrives on, to be truly recovered then I honestly believe the self doubt has to go, but how? The obvious answer is to start noting when I am paid a compliment, to believe it and own it, but that is easier said than done. I've tried writing them down and reading them back when I've felt low but that vicious voice kicks in again "they only said that so you'd feel better, they don't really mean it". I guess this is one of those areas that I can work on improving this year.

For now I will continue to treasure the alone time I get and use as a chance to escape, to let my imagination run wild, like Alice (in wonderland) I will daydream, who knows where my rabbit hole will lead me...

2014

So we are well and truly into 2014 now and rather than making resolutions I have decided to list those things that I am looking forwards too. I said a rather relieved farewell to 2013 and have welcomed 2014 with open arms. So 2014 lets see what you have in store.

Wishes and dreams for 2014:

Exploring the country with our English Heritage and National Trust memberships
A holiday
Spending more time with my Nephew and Niece
Date nights with Stuart
Coffee catch ups with friends
My best friends wedding
Expanding my dance school
Starting work as a dance examiner
Furthering my training
Take photographs
Keep a record of my time
Kick ana into touch

I want to thank you all for reading this blog and for the support you give me on an almost daily basis, I hope you will be along for the ride this year.