Thankful

Thanksgiving may not be an English tradition, but I see no harm in spending a day celebrating all the things I have to be thankful for. So here goes, here is a list of some of the things I am thankful for this year:

Stuart, Family, Friends, Coffee, Sunshine, Autumn Colours, Flowers, Candles, Films, Books, Letters, Surprise Mail, Sunday afternoons on the sofa, Dance, Surprises, Smiles, Cosy PJs, Health.

I'm sure there are lots more that will come to me!!

Help

Dear Readers,

I never wanted this blog to become a place of negativity but today I desperately need to reach out for help. As you all know my path to recovery has been treacherous, I have great days and not so great days but I always know in my heart that I am heading in the right direction - however over the last few days I have felt myself losing a grip on reality and now I need help/advice on how to get myself back onto the right track.

Up until this point in my recovery I have been making steady process, sure I have been blinded with insecurity along the way but deep in my heart I have known that things are getting better. Now I have a new insecurity, one that has the potential to destroy me - I have developed a hatred for feeling full, whether that be from food or liquid. I hate the fullness, I hate how it makes me feel and I hate how much I detest myself for being full. I have to be honest and admit that there have been times where I have thought about purging the only reason that I haven't ventured down this path is because of my overwhelming fear of being sick, but the fact that the thought has popped into my mind absolutely terrifies me. I am scared that one day I won't be this strong, that the ED will override me and that I will succumb to this new demon.

So my question to you is how do I move forward form this point? How do I keep myself moving forward and ignore the new demon on my shoulder?

Autumn leaves

Last Tuesday I was feeling miserable, everything had got on top of me and I felt ready to give up. Then on a walk to work I suddenly woke up and saw just how beautiful the world around me is, the sun was warm but it was a crisp autumnal afternoon and I couldn't help but take some photos. 

Just stopping to appreciate the colours and stillness around me was enough to lift me out of my bad mood. Autumn is a time for change, a chance to shake off the old leaves and began the preparation of making new ones, if nature can do it I'm sure I can give it a go!

Realisation

A year ago I was out of control, my anxiety was gathering momentum and my eating was non existent, no one asked me what was wrong because no one knew - I had become an expert at painting a face on and pretending everything was ok. A year later, with my anxiety under control thanks to medication, I am able to reflect. Sure my husband being away didn't help, but that wasn't it. I spent my days teaching, talking to parents and children and menial topics, but they aren't my friends/family so I could hardly open up to them. I arrived home to a cold, dark, empty house during the week, often late at night so I would go straight to bed. I had no one to talk too and no one to reassure me that I was doing ok. Stupidly I didn't even tell Stuart what I was feeling because I didn't want him worrying when he was away.

Now I know that I need to talk, to vent my worries, my anger and frustration, it's ok to feel alone but it's not ok to let the anxiety win. I'm not yet in a place where my GP feels she can reduce my tablets, so I am aware that the way I'm feeling right now might not be 'me', but I'm well on the way to winning the fight. A year ago I never believed I would feel like this, who knows where I may be this time next year.

Disappointment

You know what's really hard - constantly feeling disappointed. I'm either disappointed with myself for eating or angry because I haven't eaten which leaves other people feeling disappointed. I am a people pleaser by nature, I very rarely say no and I will do everything in my power to make the people around me happy. I know they'd be ecstatic if I just ate normally, if I woke up one morning back to the old carefree Gemma, I hate that I'm struggling to do the one thing that would please them most. 

I recently had an argument with myself about this very blog, by sharing with you my battles I am inviting you into my life, very often I am overwhelmed by the support you give me and yet I am aware that you want me to get better, by writing here that I am struggling I somehow feel like I am letting you down too. The obvious answer is that I stop writing about the eating disorder but to me that seems like a lie, if I can't be completely true to myself here where can I be? Besides it feels like you guys have become my cheerleaders, you encourage me, support me and remind me constantly that I will get better. So this battle continues... 

The biggest disappointment I face is myself. I often find myself wondering how I ended up on the path - I have spent my whole life surrounded with love - I never dreamt that one day food would become my energy. I hate that I can't bring myself to prepare porridge (it's porridge for crying out loud) because the ED says it's bad but I am disappointed that her voice is winning. Man my brain is all kinds of messed up, it's no wonder that I feel so tired! 

I am in turmoil dear readers, to win this war I need to eat and continue to eat for the rest of my life, if I can't manage to eat one proper meal without feeling disappointed how can I get better? If I don't get better than how will I survive knowing I'll be disappointing all the people I hold near to my heart?

My words to live by right now. Thank you Martin Luther King Jr.

Inspire

Last night, whilst lying in bed not sleeping, I started thinking about the reasons why I blog. Yes it will be nice in the future to look back and see how far I have come and how much I developed as a person, yes I enjoy being able to write down my thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement, but much more than that I want to inspire someone. I want someone to read my jumbled up thoughts and realise that they are not alone, to know that I understand how they are feeling, for them to know that it is ok to reach out and ask for help. 

For a long time I felt alone, I thought I was alone, that no-one else could possibly understand how I felt, I mean I didn't understand so there was no way I could explain to someone else. My brain was a bunch of contradictions which I could not begin to fathom out. Even now - a year down the line, with a body pumped full of anti anxiety tablets and weekly therapy sessions to help me figure out what is going on - I still don't know how to unravel the thoughts in my head. I have discovered that it is ok to be scared, that it is ok to ask for help, thanks to twitter I have a network of support that I never believed could exist. Complete strangers send me messages to make sure I am ok, they reassure me when I am in the middle of a bad day and they are there to congratulate me when things go well, I have no words to express my thanks and gratitude to them but I will be eternally grateful for those kind strangers who have rescued me from myself.

So dear reader, you may be reading this because you have followed my blog from the start (thanks!!) or you may have stumbled across this post at a time when you feel alone, I want to tell you that you aren't, there are people out there who want to help, who will help and who won't judge no matter what you have to tell them. Remember what you have overcome in the past, the obstacles you have conquered and know that I BELIEVE IN YOU. I am nowhere near recovered but I am so much further along than I was a year ago, yes it is hard, yes there are days when I don't want to get out of bed, when I don't want to fight anymore, but I know that one day I will get there, you will too. Believe in yourself.

 

Tiptoe

I may not be taking big steps in the right direction yet but I am taking small baby steps towards a complete recovery. Each day I discover another obstacle in the way but I am learning that I don't always have to smash it down in order to be successful, I can walk around it or tiptoe over it as long as I don't ignore it then I am taking a step in the right direction.