No fear

The title of this blog post is a bit of a lie, at one point I had ALL the fear....

This week I attempted climbing, after a trip to Wales and discovering just how much I love scrambling (at one point I was compared to a mountain goat which pleased me!!) climbing seemed to be the next natural progression. I have big ambitions of spending next summer in the Alps climbing, practising yoga and seeing in my 30th birthday so I have to start somewhere.

In this case somewhere is Symonds Yat rock located in the beautiful Forest of Dean. I was full of confidence convinced I would be stood at the top with no problems at all, oh how wrong I was! After a quick lesson in different knots I was strapped into a harness and off I went. The confidence I had quickly drained away climbing is bloody hard!! My first couple of attempts were a disaster - I couldn't see suitable handholds, I had absolutely no confidence in my own body strength, my brain switched off and a horrible fear crept in and consumed my body. I absailed back to the ground tears in my eyes, beyond angry at myself. Once I had 2 feet on the ground I exploded, I was furious with myself for giving up. I cried, shouted, stamped my feet, kicked rocks and refused to listen to reason - I was getting up the rock if it killed me.

We agreed to one last attempt, hunger was setting in and my muscles were ridiculously fatigued. One last try to get to the top, being stubborn I was absolutely determined I was going to make it. I set off, my hands finding holds that my eyes couldn't see, my feet appeared to stick to the rock rather than slipping away underneath me. My body was with me, my brain not so much I had some ridiculous music riff stuck in my head but it seemed to work so hey ho! The top was in reach, elated I pulled myself up and admired the view, my heart was pounding, my arms ached, my legs had acquired more bruises but I had made it!

My overwhelming belief that I can do anything I put my mind to is stronger than ever. My heart and head are working together to keep me chasing adventure and I couldn't be more excited about what the future holds.

I'm back!!

I am back! After an extended leave from this blog I am now back and raring to get going again. This year has been all sorts of crazy - my marriage broke down, I finally feel like I am in a good place with my recovery, I met someone new and I am looking for a new place to call my home.

Where to start? I don't want to go into that much detail about my marriage breakdown but I am happy now which tells me the decision was correct. Seperating is never fun no matter what the circumstances, unfortunately I have learnt the hard way  which of my friends and family support me.

Recovery is great, really really incredible. Reaching this place has been real hard work, a combination of tears, relapsing, discovering a unknown strength but it is really worth it. Recovery has opened my eyes to how wonderful life can be when I am not consummed with fear about food.

This summer has been great, a trip to Wales opened my eyes to the joys of scrambling (there is a blog post coming soon all about Wales). I have spent quality time with my family, seen friends and read a vast number of books.

Brain dump

This blog has become something of a diary to me, it is a place where I don't feel alone, to vent, to be unapologetically me. It is my own little space where I can get my thoughts out without having to descramble them or worry what anyone else might think. I have celebrated and cried over the things I have shared on this little blog. Tonight I am overwhelmed, my body is falling to pieces around me, my emotions are all over the place and worse of all ana is getting ever stronger.

Since December I have had one UTI after another annoyingly I get no symptoms so they don't show up until the GP does a urine test, I have had an awful lot of antibiotics but still they come back. I am now on antibiotics (again) to try and kill off yet another infection. I really am at the end of my tether now, I can't deal with being so run down and my body doesn't appear to be dealing with antibiotics very well. Oh fun fact - I now bruise like a peach too.

On top of the constant UTI's I have also found I'm either on the verge of tears or actually crying far too often just recently, I am an emotional person anyway (I cry when Baloo pretends to be dead in the Jungle Book!) but it is getting ridiculous now. I know I am under an incredible amount of pressure right now but there must be someway of keeping my emotions in check surely?

Where to start with ana? I'm not sure if she ever really vanished I think she was always there lurking in my brain ready for me to feel vunerable so she could strike. I know just how destructive she is yet I find myself seeking comfort in her words. I hope that being so aware means I am not heading back down the path I have already walked, that acknowledging her is a good thing. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place I have fought so bloody hard to get to where I am today and yet, perversely, I am reluctant to let her go. No wonder my head is such a tangled mess right now.....

Catch up

Wow, where does the time go? It feels like only yesterday that I sat down to write yet it was ages ago - determined to write regularly from now on though.

So where to begin? I am still waiting for my laparoscopy to be rescheduled, a uti, skin infection and 3 weeks of antibiotics have hindered progress so far but I am hoping it will be sooner rather than later, the pain and bloating has become unbearable.

I have unfortunately separated from my partner, details of which don't need to be published here. Whilst it has been a tough time I am coming out the other side.

I have been discharged from the eating disorder service, whilst I am immensly proud of myself I am also a bit scared about what the future may hold. I am determined to be strong and carry on ignoring anas faint voice.

I think that might be all for now, had lots of lovely days out just recently that I can't wait to share with you all.

Disappointed

Today I was supposed to have a laparoscopy to treat Endometriosis. Today was a day I had built up in my head, a day for answers, the start of a painfree existance. Instead the operation got cancelled, thanks to a UTI I am now back playing the waiting game.

To say I am broken hearted is an understatement, I am struggling to pick myself up and get over the disappointment if I am being completely honest.

Stupid body, stupid UTI, stupid endometriosis.

What my ED taught me

My body is incredible. Every single day I denied it food and forced it to work out yet every single day it kept me alive. My heart made sure that my blood was flowing, my lungs took in oxygen, my body made sure that I woke up every morning. At my lowest point my body never ever gave up on me, no matter how many times I gave up on it. That is pretty damn incredible in my opinion.

Thanks to my eating disorder I have met some incredible people, people who I now consider to be my friends. Friends who have always supported me, asked the right questions at the right time, understood exactly what I was going through. Whilst I never ever want to fall back into the darkest times of my ed I am grateful for the incredible people it brought into my life.

I am stronger than I ever realised. Recovery is hard - really hard, but I have never given up on myself. I make the decision to eat every day, no matter how much 'she' might be screaming at me not to. I fight a battle with myself and every day I try my best to pick the right side, I never thought I would be able to ignore her but look at me now!

There are probably a ton of other things but my brain has decided to switch off - helpful (!) so I will be updating this post regularly.

Random summer picture because I am dreaming of sunshine right now!

Poem

I found this poem on Pinterest the other evening and wanted to share it with you all, I absolutely adore it.

Silently Screaming

The last few weeks have been really tough, spending four days in hospital between Christmas and the New Year meant that I didn't start 2015 in the best possible way. Over the last 4 weeks I have had countless blood tests, scans and appointments with my GP (who fortunately is fantastic and really seems to understand my need to have answers). After being referred onto a gynaecologist things have really started to move forward now, I have been really fortunate that my local private hospital accepts NHS patients so rather than waiting for an appointment to come through I was seen within 2 weeks. My consultant is an incredible man who has vowed to get to the bottom of the pain, after 4 months of pain you can understand my relief that the end may be in sight. My consultant has already told me that he is certain the endometriosis has returned and that the only way of being sure is to go in and have a look - he has agreed to remove my appendix at the same time (over the years whenever I have had a flare up I have spent at least 24 hours on a ward being observed for appendicitis not having an appendix rules this out immediately). Whilst I am getting close to finding out the reason for the constant pain the questions keep building up.

Could I be responsible? Has my battle with an eating disorder turned my body against me? Has my body finally crumpled under the immense amount of stress I have put it under? Of course the logical part of my brain says that I haven't given myself endometriosis, that unfortunately this is just the hand I have been dealt in life, that logic doesn't help though. I have lost track of the amount of times I have cried, silently sobbing, my chest heaving and my body crumbling as I try to cope with the pain and keep on going. There is one question, a question that has been floating around my brain for a couple of years now, a question with an answer I still don't think I am strong enough to face, that of my own fertility.

Ever since I was a young girl I have always wanted to be mummy, it never crossed my mind growing up that I wouldn't be able to. Even when I was diagnosed in my early twenties I still didn't really think there would be any problems, now though is time to face up to facts. I don't have regular periods, I never have, unless I have tests done there is no way of knowing for sure that I ovulate every month. I always anticipated that when the time was right I would just get pregnant, now that seems like a ridiculous notion. I can't imagine myself having a child, I think my brain has almost blocked the idea to protect me from any possible heartache down the line. After the laparoscopy it will be time to invest my fertility, I don't know that I am in the right place to find out now but then again I don't know if I will ever be in the right place.

2015 looks like it will be the year for answers, good or bad. Whatever the outcome I will have to face facts, brush myself down and continue moving forward with my life. 

Christmas Day picture because why not?!