A realisation

For those of you who don't know I have recently started running again. I'm not sure what prompted me to start but i've been enjoying getting out of the house and out my head for a short period of time and having space to just be me. On the past few runs though I have noticed a disturbing trend appearing - I would run for as long as I could, and then run some more. The times and distance covered became more and more important to me and although I wasn't tracking calories I was always aware of approximately how much I was burning off.

Today something changed.

After celebrating the success of eating an ice cream last night (the first in 2 years) I am determined to keep fighting and I am absolutely not going to give up. For starters I have a gorgeous nephew and niece who are relying on me to take them to the beach, teach them tricks and enjoy copious amount of treats with. It's not just me who this illness is stifling but those around me too.

So what changed?

This morning I set off for a run as usual, I was about 6 minutes in and on track to hit my targets when I decided to just have fun. Why run for times when I could have fun? I ran with sheep, walked with ducks and skipped through puddles and I LOVED every minute of it. Yes my times were slow, but I finished with a smile on my face. I didn't care how much distance I had covered or how long it had taken me. I had enjoyed being outdoors. Sure my eating disorder was screaming at me the whole time but I zoned her out - thanks to a banging playlist!

Who honestly cares if it takes me 7 minutes or 12 minutes to run a mile, a mile is still a mile right?

I am still going to keep running, I enjoy it and I enjoy the freedom I get from myself. From now on though I will not be sharing times and distances (my app will continue to record everything but I am not going to publish them anywhere else). I am going to stop competing with myself and others to get the fastest times and I am not going to be concerned with anyone else's times or distance covered.

I am not going to let this eating disorder destroy any more of my life. It is time to fight back and fight back hard.

Pictures of some of my recent runs:



 

 

I really am lucky to have some beautiful countryside on the doorstep.


FYI - I am currently raising money for the Matt Hampson Foundation. I will be running a 10k in London on July 13th and I would really appreciate it if you could sponsor me - text GEMP78 £5 to 70070 or donate here.

Dear grandad

Dear grandad,

I cannot believe it's been 7 years since you left us all behind. I remember vividly where I was when I found out, stood outside southgate tube station with my heart breaking into a million little pieces. I cried the whole way home and sat in my room and sobbed until I didn't think I could cry anymore. Even though I knew the day was coming it was still a massive shock, I don't think anything ever prepares you for grief. I wanted to give up, come home and grieve with my family, to be at the farm, to feel near to you, yet I knew I couldn't. I had to perform that evening, I had to complete my degree and make you proud. I swallowed my grief and somehow managed to hold it together long enough to get through the evening.

As is inevitable life has carried on, I've grown up, got married and carved out a career for myself. I thought I would think about you every day, yet I don't, I was heartbroken to realise that I can't recall what you look like from memory. Yet you are always there, in fleeting moments when I think about you and smile, I could be gardening, or eating raspberries when an unexpected memory pops into my head. Your cap comes to the most important places with me, you were there when I graduated, when I got married and most importantly you were there when mom graduated.

Anniversaries are always going to be difficult but I take comfort in knowing  that you didn't suffer. Life will always keep moving forward, but I always carry you with me in my heart.

Love you

xxxx

I deserve

I deserve breakfast. I deserve to enjoy food. I deserve to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I deserve ice cream and fudge and the other goodies I have so ruthlessly cut out. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a future. 

April

Wow, this year is flying by. I am currently very much looking forward to life slowing down a little bit!

In April I:

Was thrilled with the results of my teaching exam.

Was described as an inspiration to my students by a top IDTA examiner - walking on air moment!

Discovered that running is a great release for me.

Enjoyed a week off work, although I did spend it working from home.

Reintroduced nuts into my diet.

In May I: 

Will be researching art therapy as part of my recovery.

Want to move forward with my recovery and try and get out of the rut I am in.

Spend some time reading the stack of books I brought recently.

Spend some time alone by the seaside, with just me and my thoughts!

Realisation

It's only 11am and already today is going badly. For those who don't follow me on twitter I am currently training for a 10k run in order to raise money for charity. Running has very quickly become a release for me, a way to stop thinking and just concentrate on my body. This morning I woke up after a weekend of no exercise desperate to get out and run. It started well, I was comfortable and enjoying the endorphin release I so desperately needed. When without warning my body gave up, my chest was tight, I struggled to catch my breath, I was light headed and literally unable to put one foot in front of the other. 

My body has failed me, it's finally had enough of the constant stress I am putting it under. I am desperately sad, how have I let this happen to myself. How have I ignored the signs, ignored how loudly her voice was getting. How do I stop? How do I move forward? For some it's as simple as eating more food, that thought fills me with terror. I want to get better, believe me I do, but it's so difficult. 

Underneath

I live a lie. If you met me you'd never guess the battles I fight with anxiety and an eating disorder. I would sit opposite you with a coffee having 'eaten earlier' or feigning no appetite. I would hold a conversation, laugh and appear to have it all. You wouldn't see how much preparation had gone into meeting - the outfit changes, the pep talks, checking menus online should I absolutely have to eat with you. I have mastered the ability to just blend in, I don't stand out, I don't demand attention. You probably walk past many people like me every day, individuals desperately trying to look like they have everything under control as they slowly crumble away. 

I don't know which me is 'me' anymore. I have spent so long projecting the 'everything's fine' lie that I actually really do find myself believing that's the truth. In my messed up mind not eating has become the norm, pushing my body to breaking point is just what people do, denying myself treats just demonstrates will power. In the most underhand way possible my eating disorder has penetrated my soul and started to make me believe that she is correct. On the outside I have my shit together - I talk about needing to book a doctors appointment because I am spiralling downwards yet I haven't picked up the phone. I can tell people what they want to hear, to keep them from knocking on my door, yet I appear to be incapable of helping myself.

Don't be fooled by my appearance, I may be smiling but scratch the surface and I am falling apart.