Emotions

I have been riding a tidal wave of emotions just recently, the last few months have been hard - really hard. My body has reacted violently and my brain has no idea what is going on. One minute I am happy go lucky and the next a text message has me bursting into tears. Overwhelming tiredness doesn't help, I am caught in a never ending circle of napping in the afternoon and then being unable to sleep at night. I have a constant feeling that I have failed, this relapse has hit me hard, probably because I honestly didn't see it coming. Yes I only had perhaps three weeks of eating 'normally' but since then I have restricted like crazy, my list of safe foods has got shorter and although I am fighting that disgusting voice that tells me I'm not good enough she has been getting louder just recently. Running is the only time that I feel completely free - immersed in working my body and taking great satisfaction in feeling tired and sweaty when I have finished, the only problem is I can't differentiate between what I am feeling and what 'She' is feeling.

I will not give up though. I will ride this emotional wave and I will come out stronger than ever before. I am not prepared to roll over and let 'her' storm though my life. Whilst I have breath in my body I will fight as hard as I can.

March

March was a wonderful month overall, the sun shined for a brief period and I feel like I began really fighting back against my eating disorder making conscious decisions to not let her voice win.

In March I:
Took the next lot of my teaching exams - terrifying and now the dreaded wait for results begins.
Started learning Dutch.
Spent a lovely weekend at home looking through old family photos with my brothers.
Signed up to run a 10k to support the Matt Hampson foundation.
Maybe got a bit too over excited when I saw the new born lambs in the field.

In April I:
Will start tracking my food intake again as I feel that I have relapsed a little bit just recently.
Will enjoy my Easter break - lots of rest and relaxation planned!
Will be training carefully for the 10k.
Will start organising my plans for summer - I intend to visit as many people as possible :)