Catch up

Wow, where does the time go? It feels like only yesterday that I sat down to write yet it was ages ago - determined to write regularly from now on though.

So where to begin? I am still waiting for my laparoscopy to be rescheduled, a uti, skin infection and 3 weeks of antibiotics have hindered progress so far but I am hoping it will be sooner rather than later, the pain and bloating has become unbearable.

I have unfortunately separated from my partner, details of which don't need to be published here. Whilst it has been a tough time I am coming out the other side.

I have been discharged from the eating disorder service, whilst I am immensly proud of myself I am also a bit scared about what the future may hold. I am determined to be strong and carry on ignoring anas faint voice.

I think that might be all for now, had lots of lovely days out just recently that I can't wait to share with you all.

Disappointed

Today I was supposed to have a laparoscopy to treat Endometriosis. Today was a day I had built up in my head, a day for answers, the start of a painfree existance. Instead the operation got cancelled, thanks to a UTI I am now back playing the waiting game.

To say I am broken hearted is an understatement, I am struggling to pick myself up and get over the disappointment if I am being completely honest.

Stupid body, stupid UTI, stupid endometriosis.

What my ED taught me

My body is incredible. Every single day I denied it food and forced it to work out yet every single day it kept me alive. My heart made sure that my blood was flowing, my lungs took in oxygen, my body made sure that I woke up every morning. At my lowest point my body never ever gave up on me, no matter how many times I gave up on it. That is pretty damn incredible in my opinion.

Thanks to my eating disorder I have met some incredible people, people who I now consider to be my friends. Friends who have always supported me, asked the right questions at the right time, understood exactly what I was going through. Whilst I never ever want to fall back into the darkest times of my ed I am grateful for the incredible people it brought into my life.

I am stronger than I ever realised. Recovery is hard - really hard, but I have never given up on myself. I make the decision to eat every day, no matter how much 'she' might be screaming at me not to. I fight a battle with myself and every day I try my best to pick the right side, I never thought I would be able to ignore her but look at me now!

There are probably a ton of other things but my brain has decided to switch off - helpful (!) so I will be updating this post regularly.

Random summer picture because I am dreaming of sunshine right now!

Poem

I found this poem on Pinterest the other evening and wanted to share it with you all, I absolutely adore it.

Silently Screaming

The last few weeks have been really tough, spending four days in hospital between Christmas and the New Year meant that I didn't start 2015 in the best possible way. Over the last 4 weeks I have had countless blood tests, scans and appointments with my GP (who fortunately is fantastic and really seems to understand my need to have answers). After being referred onto a gynaecologist things have really started to move forward now, I have been really fortunate that my local private hospital accepts NHS patients so rather than waiting for an appointment to come through I was seen within 2 weeks. My consultant is an incredible man who has vowed to get to the bottom of the pain, after 4 months of pain you can understand my relief that the end may be in sight. My consultant has already told me that he is certain the endometriosis has returned and that the only way of being sure is to go in and have a look - he has agreed to remove my appendix at the same time (over the years whenever I have had a flare up I have spent at least 24 hours on a ward being observed for appendicitis not having an appendix rules this out immediately). Whilst I am getting close to finding out the reason for the constant pain the questions keep building up.

Could I be responsible? Has my battle with an eating disorder turned my body against me? Has my body finally crumpled under the immense amount of stress I have put it under? Of course the logical part of my brain says that I haven't given myself endometriosis, that unfortunately this is just the hand I have been dealt in life, that logic doesn't help though. I have lost track of the amount of times I have cried, silently sobbing, my chest heaving and my body crumbling as I try to cope with the pain and keep on going. There is one question, a question that has been floating around my brain for a couple of years now, a question with an answer I still don't think I am strong enough to face, that of my own fertility.

Ever since I was a young girl I have always wanted to be mummy, it never crossed my mind growing up that I wouldn't be able to. Even when I was diagnosed in my early twenties I still didn't really think there would be any problems, now though is time to face up to facts. I don't have regular periods, I never have, unless I have tests done there is no way of knowing for sure that I ovulate every month. I always anticipated that when the time was right I would just get pregnant, now that seems like a ridiculous notion. I can't imagine myself having a child, I think my brain has almost blocked the idea to protect me from any possible heartache down the line. After the laparoscopy it will be time to invest my fertility, I don't know that I am in the right place to find out now but then again I don't know if I will ever be in the right place.

2015 looks like it will be the year for answers, good or bad. Whatever the outcome I will have to face facts, brush myself down and continue moving forward with my life. 

Christmas Day picture because why not?!

Don't be alone

The wonderful Big Fashionista has again collected a list of numbers and websites that may be of use over the festive period. It is because of this list that 2 years ago I was able to reach out and find the advice I so desperately needed, I am indebted to Kellie and will be forever grateful for her support. If you need an ear this Christmas then please pick up the phone and speak to someone.

The words below are all Kellies and she says it much better then me.

If you feel that you have hit rock bottom and you feel empty inside, If you can see the lights twinkling in other peoples windows, hear the laughter of your neighbours and yet you experience no joy, as if the world is a dark place in which you see no place for yourself any more. 

Or if you feel that you are ready to make a change.

I want you to pick up the phone.....

 MIND

www.mind.org.uk

0300 123 3393

Samaritans

www.samaritans.org

08457 90 90 90

Alcoholics Anonymous

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomers

0845 769 7555

Stonewall

www.stonewall.org.uk

Info line 08000 50 20 20 

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

0207 837 7324

SANELine

www.sane.org.uk

0845 767 8000

Preventing young suicide

www.papyrus-uk.org 

National self-help body for the Transgender community

BEAUMONT SOCIETY

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk

For people in Northern Ireland

www.lifeline.info

0808 808 8000

Childline

www.childline.org.uk 

0800 1111

Depressionalliance

www.depressionalliance.org

Refuge

www.refuge.org.uk

0808 2000 247

Eating Disorders Association

www.edauk.com 

0845 634 1414

Shelter

www.shelter.org.uk

0808 800 4444

NHS Direct

www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk 

0845 4647

No Panic

www.no-panic.co.uk

0808 808 0545



If you need someone, please call one of these numbers. You are NOT alone over Christmas, there are people out there that care, I care. 


I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.


Love Always

Kellie (Big Fashionista).................

www.bigfashionista.co.uk

Dying to live

Before I continue with this blog post I want you to be well aware that it may be triggering. If you are feeling vulnerable then I urge you to not carry on reading.

The past few weeks have been really hard on me and as a result I've found myself relapsing quite badly. Whilst I don't currently want to share the circumstances that have led to my current state I know that my mental well being has deteriorated because of the situation I found myself in. For me when things start spiralling out of control i find myself restricting in order to feel on top of one area of my life.

I am aware that relapsing is unfortunately part of the recovery process, that sometimes we need to go backwards in order to see the progress we have made. This time it feels different though, there was no gradual descent, instead I fell straight back into Ana's trap. Rather than taking a few steps backwards I feel like I am right back at the start again. Once again I am surviving on next to nothing, existing on coffee and diet coke, relying on an adrenaline kick to get me through hours of dancing. I am constantly exhausted, my body is craving sleep, my skin bruising at the slightest knock. I am always cold.

My therapist has been incredible, she provides a safe haven, a place where I can cry, a sanctuary to talk through my deepest darkest demons without fear of repercussions. None of this helps, I am constantly aware of the amount of people I have let down by relapsing, talking openly about my struggles doesn't make me brave it merely proves that I am human. 

Today's therapy session ended with me being told that I either fight harder than ever or I slowly kill myself. They are tough words for anyone to hear, ultimately my future will be decided by what path I decide to take now. I will fight harder than I've ever fought for anything in my life. I want a future, I want to live.

To all those people who have contacted me thanking me for helping them, I will fight this for you.