What my ED taught me

My body is incredible. Every single day I denied it food and forced it to work out yet every single day it kept me alive. My heart made sure that my blood was flowing, my lungs took in oxygen, my body made sure that I woke up every morning. At my lowest point my body never ever gave up on me, no matter how many times I gave up on it. That is pretty damn incredible in my opinion.

Thanks to my eating disorder I have met some incredible people, people who I now consider to be my friends. Friends who have always supported me, asked the right questions at the right time, understood exactly what I was going through. Whilst I never ever want to fall back into the darkest times of my ed I am grateful for the incredible people it brought into my life.

I am stronger than I ever realised. Recovery is hard - really hard, but I have never given up on myself. I make the decision to eat every day, no matter how much 'she' might be screaming at me not to. I fight a battle with myself and every day I try my best to pick the right side, I never thought I would be able to ignore her but look at me now!

There are probably a ton of other things but my brain has decided to switch off - helpful (!) so I will be updating this post regularly.

Random summer picture because I am dreaming of sunshine right now!

Poem

I found this poem on Pinterest the other evening and wanted to share it with you all, I absolutely adore it.

Silently Screaming

The last few weeks have been really tough, spending four days in hospital between Christmas and the New Year meant that I didn't start 2015 in the best possible way. Over the last 4 weeks I have had countless blood tests, scans and appointments with my GP (who fortunately is fantastic and really seems to understand my need to have answers). After being referred onto a gynaecologist things have really started to move forward now, I have been really fortunate that my local private hospital accepts NHS patients so rather than waiting for an appointment to come through I was seen within 2 weeks. My consultant is an incredible man who has vowed to get to the bottom of the pain, after 4 months of pain you can understand my relief that the end may be in sight. My consultant has already told me that he is certain the endometriosis has returned and that the only way of being sure is to go in and have a look - he has agreed to remove my appendix at the same time (over the years whenever I have had a flare up I have spent at least 24 hours on a ward being observed for appendicitis not having an appendix rules this out immediately). Whilst I am getting close to finding out the reason for the constant pain the questions keep building up.

Could I be responsible? Has my battle with an eating disorder turned my body against me? Has my body finally crumpled under the immense amount of stress I have put it under? Of course the logical part of my brain says that I haven't given myself endometriosis, that unfortunately this is just the hand I have been dealt in life, that logic doesn't help though. I have lost track of the amount of times I have cried, silently sobbing, my chest heaving and my body crumbling as I try to cope with the pain and keep on going. There is one question, a question that has been floating around my brain for a couple of years now, a question with an answer I still don't think I am strong enough to face, that of my own fertility.

Ever since I was a young girl I have always wanted to be mummy, it never crossed my mind growing up that I wouldn't be able to. Even when I was diagnosed in my early twenties I still didn't really think there would be any problems, now though is time to face up to facts. I don't have regular periods, I never have, unless I have tests done there is no way of knowing for sure that I ovulate every month. I always anticipated that when the time was right I would just get pregnant, now that seems like a ridiculous notion. I can't imagine myself having a child, I think my brain has almost blocked the idea to protect me from any possible heartache down the line. After the laparoscopy it will be time to invest my fertility, I don't know that I am in the right place to find out now but then again I don't know if I will ever be in the right place.

2015 looks like it will be the year for answers, good or bad. Whatever the outcome I will have to face facts, brush myself down and continue moving forward with my life. 

Christmas Day picture because why not?!

Don't be alone

The wonderful Big Fashionista has again collected a list of numbers and websites that may be of use over the festive period. It is because of this list that 2 years ago I was able to reach out and find the advice I so desperately needed, I am indebted to Kellie and will be forever grateful for her support. If you need an ear this Christmas then please pick up the phone and speak to someone.

The words below are all Kellies and she says it much better then me.

If you feel that you have hit rock bottom and you feel empty inside, If you can see the lights twinkling in other peoples windows, hear the laughter of your neighbours and yet you experience no joy, as if the world is a dark place in which you see no place for yourself any more. 

Or if you feel that you are ready to make a change.

I want you to pick up the phone.....

 MIND

www.mind.org.uk

0300 123 3393

Samaritans

www.samaritans.org

08457 90 90 90

Alcoholics Anonymous

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomers

0845 769 7555

Stonewall

www.stonewall.org.uk

Info line 08000 50 20 20 

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

0207 837 7324

SANELine

www.sane.org.uk

0845 767 8000

Preventing young suicide

www.papyrus-uk.org 

National self-help body for the Transgender community

BEAUMONT SOCIETY

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk

For people in Northern Ireland

www.lifeline.info

0808 808 8000

Childline

www.childline.org.uk 

0800 1111

Depressionalliance

www.depressionalliance.org

Refuge

www.refuge.org.uk

0808 2000 247

Eating Disorders Association

www.edauk.com 

0845 634 1414

Shelter

www.shelter.org.uk

0808 800 4444

NHS Direct

www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk 

0845 4647

No Panic

www.no-panic.co.uk

0808 808 0545



If you need someone, please call one of these numbers. You are NOT alone over Christmas, there are people out there that care, I care. 


I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.


Love Always

Kellie (Big Fashionista).................

www.bigfashionista.co.uk

Dying to live

Before I continue with this blog post I want you to be well aware that it may be triggering. If you are feeling vulnerable then I urge you to not carry on reading.

The past few weeks have been really hard on me and as a result I've found myself relapsing quite badly. Whilst I don't currently want to share the circumstances that have led to my current state I know that my mental well being has deteriorated because of the situation I found myself in. For me when things start spiralling out of control i find myself restricting in order to feel on top of one area of my life.

I am aware that relapsing is unfortunately part of the recovery process, that sometimes we need to go backwards in order to see the progress we have made. This time it feels different though, there was no gradual descent, instead I fell straight back into Ana's trap. Rather than taking a few steps backwards I feel like I am right back at the start again. Once again I am surviving on next to nothing, existing on coffee and diet coke, relying on an adrenaline kick to get me through hours of dancing. I am constantly exhausted, my body is craving sleep, my skin bruising at the slightest knock. I am always cold.

My therapist has been incredible, she provides a safe haven, a place where I can cry, a sanctuary to talk through my deepest darkest demons without fear of repercussions. None of this helps, I am constantly aware of the amount of people I have let down by relapsing, talking openly about my struggles doesn't make me brave it merely proves that I am human. 

Today's therapy session ended with me being told that I either fight harder than ever or I slowly kill myself. They are tough words for anyone to hear, ultimately my future will be decided by what path I decide to take now. I will fight harder than I've ever fought for anything in my life. I want a future, I want to live.

To all those people who have contacted me thanking me for helping them, I will fight this for you.

Oxford Half Marathon

Finally getting round to writing about my half marathon experience and what an experience it was!

My training in the lead up to the half was shoddy to say the least, I managed just ONE 12 mile run before hand and that was through the beautiful Blean Woods - not road as I should have been training on. I'm not entirely sure why I was so lax with the training, I always knew I could finish the half and maybe that over confidence got to me a little bit.

So race day came around, I was a bag of nerves, what the hell was I doing? The reason why I was able to complete the 10km was because I had committed to raising the money for charity, the half was a personal challenge, no sponsorship money just my own sheer determination. As I made my way to the starting line my legs were shaking and all sorts of things were going through my head, namely was I really going to be able to keep going for 13.1 miles without giving up.

The race was officially started by Sir Rodger Bannister, what an inspiration man - the race also included a lap of the track where he completed the first sub 4 minute mile. I was so far back that I couldn't hear all of what he was saying but I definitely got caught up in the occasion. The more serious runners stressed me out - they seemed so much more prepared for me, but I also knew that I wouldn't come in last (something that for some reason is very important to me). The race started and as usual I went off too quickly, 2 miles in and I was wondering what the hell I was doing, I slowed down and found my own pace that I was comfortable with.

I was lucky that I had my family spread out around the route ready to cheer me on, I will never underestimate the boost that seeing someone you know can give you.

10km came and went and I was feeling strong, I had got myself into a rhythm and I felt good, my legs were carrying me closer to the finish line, my brain was clear of everything. Then I hit 8 miles. 8 miles in and I hit the proverbial wall. Doubts came into my head, my legs were heavy, my arms could no pump me forward. I slowed down, I stopped running and walked, berating myself for giving in. There was no way I was not going to finish the race but I doubted I could carry on running. Then, like a gift from above, someone ran alongside me and encouraged me to keep going, he slowed down and set me a new pace, he told me to keep going and that I could do it.

Guess who spotted the family!!

9 miles arrived, I was back, I was running. Yes it hurt like hell, the hills were completely unexpected but I conquered them, each time feeling better than the last time. I knew the finish line was fast approaching, thanks to my trusted TomTom watch I knew I was close to completing the race in my desired time. My body took over, it knew it had to keep going. My brain started imagining what it would be like to cross the finish line.

10 miles in and I was crying, tears running down my face. The emotion came from nowhere, the niggling voice that told me I couldn't do it disappeared. I knew I could do it I knew that I was going to cross the finish line, I also knew that I had enough left in the bank to speed up.

13 miles - the end was insight, my legs kept going, a quick glance at my watch and BAM I was on for a sub 2.30 (my aim all along) I crossed the finish line in a time of 2 hours 25 minutes. I was absolutely thrilled, I knew I could have gone quicker but who cares I had completed my first half!!

Thanks have to go to the people who cheered me on and my fellow runners who kept me going, special thanks also have to go to the man at 8 miles who helped me dig deeper to find strength I didn't know existed inside me.


Since completing the half I have since agreed to run the Brighton Marathon in April for Breast Cancer Care - stay tuned for my marathon journey!!

Life

When did life get so difficult? When did it all start going wrong? These questions and many, many more have been racing round my head the past few days. At what point do you give in and admit defeat? Should you ever give in?

I am, at heart an optimist. Growing up I gave into the Disney dream - the prince, the castle, the happily ever after, what I didn't expect was that it would be so frigging hard! What is the reward for constantly battling? What was the biggest challenge a disney princess ever had to face? When did they deal with an argument, or an eating disorder or possible infertility. When life gets tough who do you look too? Where are the role models for us girls who are struggling?!

I don't want to give up on my dream of a happy ending, I maybe just have to admit that life isn't as straight forward as I was hoping it would be when I was younger. I have so much in my life to be grateful for, is in ungrateful to wish for more?

I don't have a plan, I have an idea of what I want my life to be, an inkling of the direction I want it to be going in. I guess now is the time to start moving forwards, whether that may be.