British London 10km

I DID IT! On July 13th I took part in the British London 10km, raising money for the Matt Hampson Foundation. I'm not going to lie I was a bag of nerves in the run up to the day - I was full of cold which had gotten onto my chest, I was 2 weeks out of hospital after suffering an anaphylaxis reaction and I woke up with a terrible headache - not the perfect mix for a run!

As I walked with the many other runners to the start line my anxiety was at an all time high, I was convinced I would finish last!

Luckily the people around me were lovely and hugely encouraging, even a short downpour didn't dampen the spirits. I was in the 3rd group to start, so I knew I wouldn't be last back! I don't remember much of the run, I missed the majority of the landmarks so engrossed was I in putting one foot in front of the other. 

The thing that hit me the most was how happy I was, surrounded by runners all supporting and encouraging each other to keep going, the crowds of strangers that cheered us on offering words of advice, high fives and jelly babies! 

I passed the 5km mark comfortably but by 7km I was struggling - I desperately wanted to see the finish line, for 5 minutes every step was torture I didn't seem to be getting anywhere very quickly. Luckily at that point 'batman' ran past me and told me to keep digging, well what he actually said was 'keep going Matt Hampson girl' but it was enough. With a grit I never knew I possessed I carried on going, my brain blocked out everything, my legs seemed to be moving on autopilot, they knew we had nearly completed, knew giving up was not option. 9km came and went in the blink of an eye, until finally I was on the home stretch. My legs then decided that it was time for a sprint finish - there was no thinking involved, one minute I was jogging the next I was thinking 'holy shit I'm getting a sprint finish!'

Crossing the finish line was incredible, I was (and still am) unbelievably proud of myself. I couldn't quite believe I had managed it, there were tears, laughter and lots of hugs. I have since signed up to run a half marathon in October - let's see where this journey takes me! 

Brain Splurge

Apologies for the random nature of this blog post my brain is currently working in overdrive so expect nothing to make sense!

I am tired, tired of people asking me why I want to recover, tired of explaining the nature of my eating disorder, tired of people, tired of fighting, tired of acting as though everything is ok, tired of life. On the outside I appear to be doing well, I have become so adept at putting on my mask that I have forgotten how to take it off. I have convinced myself that I am ok, that I no longer need to rely on daily tablets and fortnightly therapy sessions to keep me going (FYI I am still taking the tablets and attending therapy). That the way I live my life is ok, sure it's not great but who's life really is? But my life is not ok, I'm not even sure if it can be classified as a life.

I am 27 years old, I should be out chasing adventure, making memories, following my dreams and exploring where life is going to take me. Instead I live in books, day dreams, a life ruled by rules and regulations that I don't understand. I am overwhelmingly sad, I feel I could burst into uncontrollable tears at any time for no reason at all. From the second I lock my front door I run purely on adrenaline, rushing from one place to another, teaching classes with a smile on my face, offering advice, giggling, surviving on coffee, but adrenaline cannot last forever.

I miss me - the girl who was always up for an adventure, who could spend hours wandering around cities getting happily lost, who could sit on a beach day dreaming as the sea licked at my feet. I think she is still there, but she is buried beneath the rocks of self doubt and self loathing. I am finding it all too easy to fall into the negative trap that ED loves so much.

I hate that so much of my being has been taken over by ED, I wish that I had ignored her casual knocking on the door, the soft voice that told me losing a few pounds would make me feel better. I wish I had never invited her into my life. I thought she was going to be a friend, but she is slowly destroying me from the outside in. I am being urged to discover what I have done to my body but I am not yet in place to find out what damage I have done, however I feel her effects almost every day.

I don't know where to go anymore, I am craving solitude - away from my battles - where I can just be me. I don't want ED and the negativity that surrounds here to be holding me down any more. I want to follow the path through the trees and embrace the sunlight at the end.

May

Oops this post is a little bit late, but better late than never I guess!

In May I:
Watched the children I teach perform and was ridiculously proud of them.
Ate a magnum - my first ice cream in 2 years!
Was treated to flowers and candles by the girls I teach.
Drank way too much costa coffee.

In June I:
Start my new job as an examiner.
Have the hen party of my best friend to celebrate.
Will be embracing Wimbledon.
Hope to have time to sit in the sunshine listening to TED talks.

A realisation

For those of you who don't know I have recently started running again. I'm not sure what prompted me to start but i've been enjoying getting out of the house and out my head for a short period of time and having space to just be me. On the past few runs though I have noticed a disturbing trend appearing - I would run for as long as I could, and then run some more. The times and distance covered became more and more important to me and although I wasn't tracking calories I was always aware of approximately how much I was burning off.

Today something changed.

After celebrating the success of eating an ice cream last night (the first in 2 years) I am determined to keep fighting and I am absolutely not going to give up. For starters I have a gorgeous nephew and niece who are relying on me to take them to the beach, teach them tricks and enjoy copious amount of treats with. It's not just me who this illness is stifling but those around me too.

So what changed?

This morning I set off for a run as usual, I was about 6 minutes in and on track to hit my targets when I decided to just have fun. Why run for times when I could have fun? I ran with sheep, walked with ducks and skipped through puddles and I LOVED every minute of it. Yes my times were slow, but I finished with a smile on my face. I didn't care how much distance I had covered or how long it had taken me. I had enjoyed being outdoors. Sure my eating disorder was screaming at me the whole time but I zoned her out - thanks to a banging playlist!

Who honestly cares if it takes me 7 minutes or 12 minutes to run a mile, a mile is still a mile right?

I am still going to keep running, I enjoy it and I enjoy the freedom I get from myself. From now on though I will not be sharing times and distances (my app will continue to record everything but I am not going to publish them anywhere else). I am going to stop competing with myself and others to get the fastest times and I am not going to be concerned with anyone else's times or distance covered.

I am not going to let this eating disorder destroy any more of my life. It is time to fight back and fight back hard.

Pictures of some of my recent runs:



 

 

I really am lucky to have some beautiful countryside on the doorstep.


FYI - I am currently raising money for the Matt Hampson Foundation. I will be running a 10k in London on July 13th and I would really appreciate it if you could sponsor me - text GEMP78 £5 to 70070 or donate here.

Dear grandad

Dear grandad,

I cannot believe it's been 7 years since you left us all behind. I remember vividly where I was when I found out, stood outside southgate tube station with my heart breaking into a million little pieces. I cried the whole way home and sat in my room and sobbed until I didn't think I could cry anymore. Even though I knew the day was coming it was still a massive shock, I don't think anything ever prepares you for grief. I wanted to give up, come home and grieve with my family, to be at the farm, to feel near to you, yet I knew I couldn't. I had to perform that evening, I had to complete my degree and make you proud. I swallowed my grief and somehow managed to hold it together long enough to get through the evening.

As is inevitable life has carried on, I've grown up, got married and carved out a career for myself. I thought I would think about you every day, yet I don't, I was heartbroken to realise that I can't recall what you look like from memory. Yet you are always there, in fleeting moments when I think about you and smile, I could be gardening, or eating raspberries when an unexpected memory pops into my head. Your cap comes to the most important places with me, you were there when I graduated, when I got married and most importantly you were there when mom graduated.

Anniversaries are always going to be difficult but I take comfort in knowing  that you didn't suffer. Life will always keep moving forward, but I always carry you with me in my heart.

Love you

xxxx

I deserve

I deserve breakfast. I deserve to enjoy food. I deserve to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I deserve ice cream and fudge and the other goodies I have so ruthlessly cut out. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a future. 

April

Wow, this year is flying by. I am currently very much looking forward to life slowing down a little bit!

In April I:

Was thrilled with the results of my teaching exam.

Was described as an inspiration to my students by a top IDTA examiner - walking on air moment!

Discovered that running is a great release for me.

Enjoyed a week off work, although I did spend it working from home.

Reintroduced nuts into my diet.

In May I: 

Will be researching art therapy as part of my recovery.

Want to move forward with my recovery and try and get out of the rut I am in.

Spend some time reading the stack of books I brought recently.

Spend some time alone by the seaside, with just me and my thoughts!