2014

So we are well and truly into 2014 now and rather than making resolutions I have decided to list those things that I am looking forwards too. I said a rather relieved farewell to 2013 and have welcomed 2014 with open arms. So 2014 lets see what you have in store.

Wishes and dreams for 2014:

Exploring the country with our English Heritage and National Trust memberships
A holiday
Spending more time with my Nephew and Niece
Date nights with Stuart
Coffee catch ups with friends
My best friends wedding
Expanding my dance school
Starting work as a dance examiner
Furthering my training
Take photographs
Keep a record of my time
Kick ana into touch

I want to thank you all for reading this blog and for the support you give me on an almost daily basis, I hope you will be along for the ride this year.

Goodbye 2013

Never have I ever been so pleased to see the end of a year before, 2013 has been my own Annus Horribilis and tomorrow evening I'll be celebrating the fact that I've survived.

For me, the resounding question of 2013 has been 'why me' why have I been dealt these cards and why at this time, terribly self pitying I'm sure you'll agree. From this though I've discovered hidden traits - I'm stronger than I ever imagined, with more passion and determination surging through me than I ever realised was possible. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm in recovery but I am wise enough to know that I can fight, that I don't have to roll over and submit.

This blog has helped me through my low points, but don't get me wrong there have been some fantastic highs this year too. From the birth of my beautiful niece in February to celebrating my first wedding anniversary in June, there has been plenty happening to keep a tentative smile on my face. Ana tried to take those happy times from me, and almost succeeded, but she didn't. I allowed myself to be happy and to celebrate and boy did it feel good!

For me 2013 has been about powering through, knowing that eventually it would end. Learning that relapsing is ok so long as it spurs me on to fight harder. Accepting my flaws and celebrating my strengths. Last year I made a bunch of New Years resolutions all of which I thought would make me happy, today I make only one - to make 2014 the year of me.

Editing life

Therapy sessions are never fun, they force us to delve into our subconscious and reveal all those idiosyncrasies we try so hard to keep hidden away. There are no secrets, no edited pasts, our true selves are on display for a stranger to analyse and make sense of.

I must admit I found therapy hard at first, talking so intimately with a stranger was completely out of my comfort zone, as the weeks have progressed I've found then comforting, they are a place for me to talk about how I really feel without fear of upsetting anyone. Therapy has made me realise how much of myself I edit in order to please other people. A glance at my Facebook page reveals little of my current struggles, little of the anxiety and the battles I fight every day - there life is peachy, a perfect snapshot. On twitter I am more open, I find it easier to share my feelings, perhaps because it's to people who understand my battles, who can offer support and advice to keep me going. Even here on my blog, a place where I can truly be myself I still find myself editing life, I don't write about arguments with my husbands, disagreements with friends etc... I wonder why I find it so hard to be truly honest with myself? Has ana played her nastiest trick yet? Am I simply unable to see all the good because I am drowning in the murky waters below, I hope not, desperately. 

My life isn't perfect of course it isn't, but it is pretty damn good. Having an eating disorder is (unfortunately) part of me, a part that will never go away, so I have to learn to embrace it, to overcome, to shout proudly from the rooftops that I am a fighter. Therapy has taught me to listen to myself, to not beat myself up for imagined failures but to celebrate the positives. From here on in I have made a promise to myself to stop editing, to record my life as it is warts and all, after all what is the point of creating a reminder of life if it isn't my life?

Thankful

Thanksgiving may not be an English tradition, but I see no harm in spending a day celebrating all the things I have to be thankful for. So here goes, here is a list of some of the things I am thankful for this year:

Stuart, Family, Friends, Coffee, Sunshine, Autumn Colours, Flowers, Candles, Films, Books, Letters, Surprise Mail, Sunday afternoons on the sofa, Dance, Surprises, Smiles, Cosy PJs, Health.

I'm sure there are lots more that will come to me!!

Help

Dear Readers,

I never wanted this blog to become a place of negativity but today I desperately need to reach out for help. As you all know my path to recovery has been treacherous, I have great days and not so great days but I always know in my heart that I am heading in the right direction - however over the last few days I have felt myself losing a grip on reality and now I need help/advice on how to get myself back onto the right track.

Up until this point in my recovery I have been making steady process, sure I have been blinded with insecurity along the way but deep in my heart I have known that things are getting better. Now I have a new insecurity, one that has the potential to destroy me - I have developed a hatred for feeling full, whether that be from food or liquid. I hate the fullness, I hate how it makes me feel and I hate how much I detest myself for being full. I have to be honest and admit that there have been times where I have thought about purging the only reason that I haven't ventured down this path is because of my overwhelming fear of being sick, but the fact that the thought has popped into my mind absolutely terrifies me. I am scared that one day I won't be this strong, that the ED will override me and that I will succumb to this new demon.

So my question to you is how do I move forward form this point? How do I keep myself moving forward and ignore the new demon on my shoulder?

Autumn leaves

Last Tuesday I was feeling miserable, everything had got on top of me and I felt ready to give up. Then on a walk to work I suddenly woke up and saw just how beautiful the world around me is, the sun was warm but it was a crisp autumnal afternoon and I couldn't help but take some photos. 

Just stopping to appreciate the colours and stillness around me was enough to lift me out of my bad mood. Autumn is a time for change, a chance to shake off the old leaves and began the preparation of making new ones, if nature can do it I'm sure I can give it a go!

Realisation

A year ago I was out of control, my anxiety was gathering momentum and my eating was non existent, no one asked me what was wrong because no one knew - I had become an expert at painting a face on and pretending everything was ok. A year later, with my anxiety under control thanks to medication, I am able to reflect. Sure my husband being away didn't help, but that wasn't it. I spent my days teaching, talking to parents and children and menial topics, but they aren't my friends/family so I could hardly open up to them. I arrived home to a cold, dark, empty house during the week, often late at night so I would go straight to bed. I had no one to talk too and no one to reassure me that I was doing ok. Stupidly I didn't even tell Stuart what I was feeling because I didn't want him worrying when he was away.

Now I know that I need to talk, to vent my worries, my anger and frustration, it's ok to feel alone but it's not ok to let the anxiety win. I'm not yet in a place where my GP feels she can reduce my tablets, so I am aware that the way I'm feeling right now might not be 'me', but I'm well on the way to winning the fight. A year ago I never believed I would feel like this, who knows where I may be this time next year.