A final goodbye

I am completely hopeless at saying a final goodbye there will be tears - lots of them, but ultimately it is time for me to say goodbye to ana.

I know many of you will be wondering why it's taken me so long to come to this realisation, but leaving a piece of you behind is hard. Ana has been there for the incredible highs and lows that has been my life over the last 2 years. Whilst she has been the worst part of my life, in some says she has also been the best. There is no doubt in my mind that I would be a completely different person today had ana not decided to attach herself to me again.

Don't get me wrong I have not, nor will I ever, consider ana to be a friend. Friends don't destroy each other, they don't whisper negative thoughts, they don't sit by and celebrate as your life slowly disintegrates around you. It may be hard for others to understand, but ana has been a part of my identity for such a long time that closing this chapter is hard. 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with ana, I am aware she may well show herself every now and again but I don't want her to define me anymore.

Is closing the book going to be hard? You bet your life it is. Even writing this I can feel her clutching at me, desperately trying to claim what she believes is rightly hers. I don't want my life to be dictated by calories and safe food. I want to explore the world I live in without restrictions. 

With a clear head and a happy heart I bid farewell to ana, I am ready to move forwards, to embrace life.

Tom Tom

Those of you that follow me on twitter know that I have well and truly caught the running bug just recently. I'm well on target for my first big run - the Oxford half in October. I had been relying on a basic running app on my phone although recently I have been using the new Tom Tom runner cardio watch and I am in love!!

I honestly couldn't wait to get started once the watch had been delivered. It was really easy to set up and it syncs well with the tomtom app on my phone. I really like this feature as it gives more information about the runs I have completed in one easily accessible place. 

I'm always a bit dubious when purchasing a watch, I have ridiculously small wrists and always struggle to find something to fit. I didn't have to worry with the tomtom though - the strap means it fits me comfortably without the watch sliding up and down my arm. 

There are lots of features on this watch that I love - the built in heart rate monitor being one such feature. It took me a while to understand the different zones but that's more from my own lack of understanding.

I will be doing a more comprehensive round up of the watch at the end of the month but so far I am well and truly loving it!

this watch was gifted to me for review purposes, but all options are my own.

Struggling

I'm not doing so well anymore. On the surface all looks well, there is a smile on my face and I am functioning in public behind the scenes though is a completely different story. I am drowning, I feel helpless to stop what is happening to me and I have no therapy sessions until September.

I am numb, the days pass by frustratingly slowly and I complete nothing except a carefully scheduled run. My brain is running on overdrive, the thinking doesn't stop. I am overwhelmed by all the thoughts that pass through my head on a daily basis none of them providing answers just more questions. 

Food is tough, my 'safe' list is back in practice however it is more restrictive than ever before. I snack on fruit believing it to be the best thing for me, yet my constant tiredness shows me I need more nourishment. 

I am tired, tired of fighting, tired of making progress and then falling back into bad habits. I am tired of seeing the look in people's eyes when they realise I am not doing so week, tired of being weak, tired of failing, tired of letting myself down, tired of letting others down but most of all I am tired of letting her win.

British London 10km

I DID IT! On July 13th I took part in the British London 10km, raising money for the Matt Hampson Foundation. I'm not going to lie I was a bag of nerves in the run up to the day - I was full of cold which had gotten onto my chest, I was 2 weeks out of hospital after suffering an anaphylaxis reaction and I woke up with a terrible headache - not the perfect mix for a run!

As I walked with the many other runners to the start line my anxiety was at an all time high, I was convinced I would finish last!

Luckily the people around me were lovely and hugely encouraging, even a short downpour didn't dampen the spirits. I was in the 3rd group to start, so I knew I wouldn't be last back! I don't remember much of the run, I missed the majority of the landmarks so engrossed was I in putting one foot in front of the other. 

The thing that hit me the most was how happy I was, surrounded by runners all supporting and encouraging each other to keep going, the crowds of strangers that cheered us on offering words of advice, high fives and jelly babies! 

I passed the 5km mark comfortably but by 7km I was struggling - I desperately wanted to see the finish line, for 5 minutes every step was torture I didn't seem to be getting anywhere very quickly. Luckily at that point 'batman' ran past me and told me to keep digging, well what he actually said was 'keep going Matt Hampson girl' but it was enough. With a grit I never knew I possessed I carried on going, my brain blocked out everything, my legs seemed to be moving on autopilot, they knew we had nearly completed, knew giving up was not option. 9km came and went in the blink of an eye, until finally I was on the home stretch. My legs then decided that it was time for a sprint finish - there was no thinking involved, one minute I was jogging the next I was thinking 'holy shit I'm getting a sprint finish!'

Crossing the finish line was incredible, I was (and still am) unbelievably proud of myself. I couldn't quite believe I had managed it, there were tears, laughter and lots of hugs. I have since signed up to run a half marathon in October - let's see where this journey takes me! 

Brain Splurge

Apologies for the random nature of this blog post my brain is currently working in overdrive so expect nothing to make sense!

I am tired, tired of people asking me why I want to recover, tired of explaining the nature of my eating disorder, tired of people, tired of fighting, tired of acting as though everything is ok, tired of life. On the outside I appear to be doing well, I have become so adept at putting on my mask that I have forgotten how to take it off. I have convinced myself that I am ok, that I no longer need to rely on daily tablets and fortnightly therapy sessions to keep me going (FYI I am still taking the tablets and attending therapy). That the way I live my life is ok, sure it's not great but who's life really is? But my life is not ok, I'm not even sure if it can be classified as a life.

I am 27 years old, I should be out chasing adventure, making memories, following my dreams and exploring where life is going to take me. Instead I live in books, day dreams, a life ruled by rules and regulations that I don't understand. I am overwhelmingly sad, I feel I could burst into uncontrollable tears at any time for no reason at all. From the second I lock my front door I run purely on adrenaline, rushing from one place to another, teaching classes with a smile on my face, offering advice, giggling, surviving on coffee, but adrenaline cannot last forever.

I miss me - the girl who was always up for an adventure, who could spend hours wandering around cities getting happily lost, who could sit on a beach day dreaming as the sea licked at my feet. I think she is still there, but she is buried beneath the rocks of self doubt and self loathing. I am finding it all too easy to fall into the negative trap that ED loves so much.

I hate that so much of my being has been taken over by ED, I wish that I had ignored her casual knocking on the door, the soft voice that told me losing a few pounds would make me feel better. I wish I had never invited her into my life. I thought she was going to be a friend, but she is slowly destroying me from the outside in. I am being urged to discover what I have done to my body but I am not yet in place to find out what damage I have done, however I feel her effects almost every day.

I don't know where to go anymore, I am craving solitude - away from my battles - where I can just be me. I don't want ED and the negativity that surrounds here to be holding me down any more. I want to follow the path through the trees and embrace the sunlight at the end.

May

Oops this post is a little bit late, but better late than never I guess!

In May I:
Watched the children I teach perform and was ridiculously proud of them.
Ate a magnum - my first ice cream in 2 years!
Was treated to flowers and candles by the girls I teach.
Drank way too much costa coffee.

In June I:
Start my new job as an examiner.
Have the hen party of my best friend to celebrate.
Will be embracing Wimbledon.
Hope to have time to sit in the sunshine listening to TED talks.

A realisation

For those of you who don't know I have recently started running again. I'm not sure what prompted me to start but i've been enjoying getting out of the house and out my head for a short period of time and having space to just be me. On the past few runs though I have noticed a disturbing trend appearing - I would run for as long as I could, and then run some more. The times and distance covered became more and more important to me and although I wasn't tracking calories I was always aware of approximately how much I was burning off.

Today something changed.

After celebrating the success of eating an ice cream last night (the first in 2 years) I am determined to keep fighting and I am absolutely not going to give up. For starters I have a gorgeous nephew and niece who are relying on me to take them to the beach, teach them tricks and enjoy copious amount of treats with. It's not just me who this illness is stifling but those around me too.

So what changed?

This morning I set off for a run as usual, I was about 6 minutes in and on track to hit my targets when I decided to just have fun. Why run for times when I could have fun? I ran with sheep, walked with ducks and skipped through puddles and I LOVED every minute of it. Yes my times were slow, but I finished with a smile on my face. I didn't care how much distance I had covered or how long it had taken me. I had enjoyed being outdoors. Sure my eating disorder was screaming at me the whole time but I zoned her out - thanks to a banging playlist!

Who honestly cares if it takes me 7 minutes or 12 minutes to run a mile, a mile is still a mile right?

I am still going to keep running, I enjoy it and I enjoy the freedom I get from myself. From now on though I will not be sharing times and distances (my app will continue to record everything but I am not going to publish them anywhere else). I am going to stop competing with myself and others to get the fastest times and I am not going to be concerned with anyone else's times or distance covered.

I am not going to let this eating disorder destroy any more of my life. It is time to fight back and fight back hard.

Pictures of some of my recent runs:



 

 

I really am lucky to have some beautiful countryside on the doorstep.


FYI - I am currently raising money for the Matt Hampson Foundation. I will be running a 10k in London on July 13th and I would really appreciate it if you could sponsor me - text GEMP78 £5 to 70070 or donate here.