A hole in my heart

I have a good life, anxiety and the ed aside, I have an incredible family, amazing friends, a loving husband and a job I adore and yet there is something missing. A year ago I drifted apart from a person who I loved on every possible level, a friend who had supported me through my endo diagnosis, bad break ups, new boyfriends, an engagement and a wedding. I never ever thought it would be possible for us to not be a part of each other's lives. We have made tentative steps towards rebuilding a friendship but nothing substantial. 

Over 27 years I have drifted apart from many people, the friends I have left are the ones who truly know and support me, yet for some reason I can't let this friendship go. Something deep inside me is telling me that this isn't the end for us, that there is something more. I don't know how to move forwards, I'm terrified of getting hurt but leaving things as they are will ultimately mean she is no longer a part of my life. 

The end of the road

The end of a relationship is always hard, when that relationship has span 10 years, countless first dates, break-ups, drunken nights out and more laughs than I can remember, the end is even harder, unfortunately all that now remains of one of my closet friendships is memories of the good times and wondering where it all went wrong. This has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, and I've fought long and hard with myself before coming to the conclusion that I did yesterday. Friendships should be two ways, for a long time I have felt like I have been the one giving whilst M has taken all I have to give. Last night I had a sudden realisation that nothing was going to change and the only way to make myself feel better was to end the friendship. This was by no means an easy decision to make - for the past few months I have been backwards and forwards battling my head against my heart and ultimately I realised that my head had to win.

Now feel like I am going through the grieving process. Last night I cried, a lot, to Stuart, my parents, other friends, anyone I spoke to moved me to tears. Today my appetite has disappeared but something remarkable has happened, the weight that has been on my shoulders for months has vanished, I feel much more relaxed as a direct reaction to last nights decision.

For now, I will go onwards and upwards, enjoying this journey and everything it has to throw at me.