Dear grandad

Dear grandad,

I cannot believe it's been 7 years since you left us all behind. I remember vividly where I was when I found out, stood outside southgate tube station with my heart breaking into a million little pieces. I cried the whole way home and sat in my room and sobbed until I didn't think I could cry anymore. Even though I knew the day was coming it was still a massive shock, I don't think anything ever prepares you for grief. I wanted to give up, come home and grieve with my family, to be at the farm, to feel near to you, yet I knew I couldn't. I had to perform that evening, I had to complete my degree and make you proud. I swallowed my grief and somehow managed to hold it together long enough to get through the evening.

As is inevitable life has carried on, I've grown up, got married and carved out a career for myself. I thought I would think about you every day, yet I don't, I was heartbroken to realise that I can't recall what you look like from memory. Yet you are always there, in fleeting moments when I think about you and smile, I could be gardening, or eating raspberries when an unexpected memory pops into my head. Your cap comes to the most important places with me, you were there when I graduated, when I got married and most importantly you were there when mom graduated.

Anniversaries are always going to be difficult but I take comfort in knowing  that you didn't suffer. Life will always keep moving forward, but I always carry you with me in my heart.

Love you

xxxx

I deserve

I deserve breakfast. I deserve to enjoy food. I deserve to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I deserve ice cream and fudge and the other goodies I have so ruthlessly cut out. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a future. 

April

Wow, this year is flying by. I am currently very much looking forward to life slowing down a little bit!

In April I:

Was thrilled with the results of my teaching exam.

Was described as an inspiration to my students by a top IDTA examiner - walking on air moment!

Discovered that running is a great release for me.

Enjoyed a week off work, although I did spend it working from home.

Reintroduced nuts into my diet.

In May I: 

Will be researching art therapy as part of my recovery.

Want to move forward with my recovery and try and get out of the rut I am in.

Spend some time reading the stack of books I brought recently.

Spend some time alone by the seaside, with just me and my thoughts!

Realisation

It's only 11am and already today is going badly. For those who don't follow me on twitter I am currently training for a 10k run in order to raise money for charity. Running has very quickly become a release for me, a way to stop thinking and just concentrate on my body. This morning I woke up after a weekend of no exercise desperate to get out and run. It started well, I was comfortable and enjoying the endorphin release I so desperately needed. When without warning my body gave up, my chest was tight, I struggled to catch my breath, I was light headed and literally unable to put one foot in front of the other. 

My body has failed me, it's finally had enough of the constant stress I am putting it under. I am desperately sad, how have I let this happen to myself. How have I ignored the signs, ignored how loudly her voice was getting. How do I stop? How do I move forward? For some it's as simple as eating more food, that thought fills me with terror. I want to get better, believe me I do, but it's so difficult. 

Underneath

I live a lie. If you met me you'd never guess the battles I fight with anxiety and an eating disorder. I would sit opposite you with a coffee having 'eaten earlier' or feigning no appetite. I would hold a conversation, laugh and appear to have it all. You wouldn't see how much preparation had gone into meeting - the outfit changes, the pep talks, checking menus online should I absolutely have to eat with you. I have mastered the ability to just blend in, I don't stand out, I don't demand attention. You probably walk past many people like me every day, individuals desperately trying to look like they have everything under control as they slowly crumble away. 

I don't know which me is 'me' anymore. I have spent so long projecting the 'everything's fine' lie that I actually really do find myself believing that's the truth. In my messed up mind not eating has become the norm, pushing my body to breaking point is just what people do, denying myself treats just demonstrates will power. In the most underhand way possible my eating disorder has penetrated my soul and started to make me believe that she is correct. On the outside I have my shit together - I talk about needing to book a doctors appointment because I am spiralling downwards yet I haven't picked up the phone. I can tell people what they want to hear, to keep them from knocking on my door, yet I appear to be incapable of helping myself.

Don't be fooled by my appearance, I may be smiling but scratch the surface and I am falling apart. 

Emotions

I have been riding a tidal wave of emotions just recently, the last few months have been hard - really hard. My body has reacted violently and my brain has no idea what is going on. One minute I am happy go lucky and the next a text message has me bursting into tears. Overwhelming tiredness doesn't help, I am caught in a never ending circle of napping in the afternoon and then being unable to sleep at night. I have a constant feeling that I have failed, this relapse has hit me hard, probably because I honestly didn't see it coming. Yes I only had perhaps three weeks of eating 'normally' but since then I have restricted like crazy, my list of safe foods has got shorter and although I am fighting that disgusting voice that tells me I'm not good enough she has been getting louder just recently. Running is the only time that I feel completely free - immersed in working my body and taking great satisfaction in feeling tired and sweaty when I have finished, the only problem is I can't differentiate between what I am feeling and what 'She' is feeling.

I will not give up though. I will ride this emotional wave and I will come out stronger than ever before. I am not prepared to roll over and let 'her' storm though my life. Whilst I have breath in my body I will fight as hard as I can.

March

March was a wonderful month overall, the sun shined for a brief period and I feel like I began really fighting back against my eating disorder making conscious decisions to not let her voice win.

In March I:
Took the next lot of my teaching exams - terrifying and now the dreaded wait for results begins.
Started learning Dutch.
Spent a lovely weekend at home looking through old family photos with my brothers.
Signed up to run a 10k to support the Matt Hampson foundation.
Maybe got a bit too over excited when I saw the new born lambs in the field.

In April I:
Will start tracking my food intake again as I feel that I have relapsed a little bit just recently.
Will enjoy my Easter break - lots of rest and relaxation planned!
Will be training carefully for the 10k.
Will start organising my plans for summer - I intend to visit as many people as possible :)