Thoughts

Over the last couple of weeks the question I've been asked the most is 'Why do you want to get better?' it's normal that people want to know what it is that has triggered me fighting back, but I don't always have the answer. I have to be honest and admit I don't really know what the correct answer is, there isn't a goal in my mind and I don't really know who I am without some aspect of control in my life. So who am I - am I the hippie, yoga loving, flower wearing girl? The book loving geek? The history fanatic? Or am I the control freak I am now? The thing I am most scared of is waking up one morning and not knowing who I am, what if I therapy away all of my issues only to find there is nothing left of me?

At the minute having an eating disorder defines who I am but I don't want that to be the case for the rest of my life. My brain is fighting two conflicting battles, I so desperately want to lead a 'normal' life and yet I am terrified of increasing my daily intake. I am loath to talk about calorie intakes, eating disorders by their very nature are competitive and I know that when other people mention how little they are eating I compete with them to try and eat even less, I would hate for this blog to trigger anyone so for now weight and calories will remain private. 

I want to be the girl who can go out for lunch with friends and not have spend hours beforehand browsing the menu trying to figure out what I can and cannot eat, I want to enjoy evenings in with my husband eating ice cream from the tub, but right now I can't, I am surviving on black coffee, fruit and a handful of the food that has made my 'safe' list. I say surviving, I am existing - I am exhausted both physically and mentally. I know what damage I am doing to my body and yet I just can't stop - I want to, believe me with every fibre of my soul I would love to just walk into the kitchen right now and eat - but what if I can't stop? What if giving into the hunger means I just eat and eat and eat? 

So what is my goal to get better? There isn't one, not really, I just want to be me again. I want to live a long and happy life with my husband and I want us to have a family. I want there to be a time when I can look back at these posts and not recognise myself, I want to be proud of everything I have achieved and most of all I long for the day when I can eat properly and not mentally beat myself up about it. 

Friday Letters #030

Sunset over Calais.

Wow, what a topsy turvy kinda week, I have been overwhelmed with messages of support I have received. Very excited to be on the next step to my recovery :)

Dear Stuart - You rock! Where on earth would I be without you? The last 6 months have been really tough for us, instead of getting annoyed you have stood by my side, held my hand, wiped away the tears and calmed me down during panic attacks. There aren't enough words for me to be able to tell you  how much you mean to me. You really are one in a million xxx
Dear Bailey - I love you but please stop digging holes in the garden!
Dear Tetley - Loving how cuddly you are at the minute, long may it continue!
Dear Twitter - Why are my most random tweets suddenly being favourited left right and centre?
Dear F - Every girl needs a friend like you, you are amazing xxx
Dear Sun - Thank you for finally making a long overdue appearance! Today I am hoping to sit in the garden with a good book and enjoy you :)
Dear Twitter - You really are a good place when you need support, complete strangers this week have confided in me, sent me messages of support and reminded me that the world is a good place.

Enjoy your weekend guys, I hope it is filled with sunshine and giggles xxx

Yesterday...

Yesterday, unlike the song, my troubles weren't that far away, yesterday I made the decision to be honest with myself and finally pressed publish on this post. It was hard, really hard, I sat there staring at the little orange box wondering if I was doing the right thing, wishing there was someway of knowing, before I had chance to talk myself out of it I published the post and immediately shut the laptop down. After a couple of hours had passed I figured that just pressing send wasn't enough, to let people know what I was going through I tweeted a link, again I was terrified - part of me wanted to sit in my own little corner of the world, not drawing attention to myself, pleading ignorance, but that wasn't going to help me.
Last night I was inundated with tweets and messages of support, complete strangers congratulating me on speaking out, other sufferers telling me their stories and telling me that I will get better - I will treasure those messages forever, they will become my motivation, something to look back on when the going gets tough(er), my reason to keep fighting. I want to be able to sit and write a blog post about my recovery, looking back at this time and being unable to recognise myself, I know that time will come, and I know that speaking out yesterday has proven to myself that I am stronger than I ever realised.

To all of you who sent me messages, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Fighting

Fighting a daily battle with your body is exhausting, from the moment I wake up until I eventually drift off at night that's exactly what I am currently doing. I don't like to think I have an eating disorder, in fact seeing it there in black and white makes my heart race and I can feel tears pricking at my eyes, but I do and I was doing a pretty good job at hiding it from everyone. My battle with food is a complicated one, one that even I don't fully understand yet but I know I need to be strong.
A typical day will see me exist on nothing but fruit and coffee until the evening when S and I enjoy a dinner together, I obsessively check the calorie content of everything, I exercise excessively, I will make up excuses as to why I need to walk up and down the stairs. My body hurts, my head hurts and the only person to blame is me. There is not a moment during the day when I am not thinking about food, trying to decide what I am going to eat that evening, how I am going to be able to up my exercise to burn extra calories. It hurts, I hurt - the constant battle is exhausting and never ending.

I can't remember when it began, but I have a feeling it has been building for a long time. A couple of years ago I had to take extended leave from work which meant that I wasn't dancing at all, I made a conscious decision to cut down on food then in order to maintain my weight and things have accelerated from there. That fateful day when I made that decision is the reason why (I think) I am now in this position, I know there is more to it than that, but those reasons are personal and I am still working them out with my counsellor, one day I hope to be strong enough to share them with you all but for now I can't.

I long for a day when I can go out for dinner with friends without spending the day worrying about what I am going to order, when I can spontaneously eat without feeling ashamed of myself or panicking about how I am going to fit extra exercise into my already busy schedule. I want to be ok, I want to get better and for me admitting that is the first step to getting better, I need to stop avoiding the issue and accept that there is a problem before I can get better.

My name is Gemma and I have an Eating Disorder.

The Invitation

I stumbled across this poem and absolutely fell in love with it, I decided to share it so that on those days when I need to get out of my head I can read this and remind myself what I have.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer. 

Lost my mojo

I started this blog because there are always so many thoughts running around my head and I thought this would be a good outlet for them all. Even now, I have 4 half started posts sitting waiting to be finished and yet I have discovered that I can't end them. I have lost my words, I don't know who I am or what I want to say. I feel like I am stumbling through without a destination or a path to follow, however I know that this will pass and I will be back blogging up a storm. I am determined to finish off the posts I have sitting waiting for an ending and then I will make more of an effort to keep up to date with everything that is going on.

Phazey bucket list

This weekend Stuart and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary together. Whilst we were waiting to  catch the ferry home we came up with a list of 30 things to do before our 2nd anniversary. Below is the list and as we tick each thing off I will be sure to update you:

Climb the bell tower in Bruges.
Go on the London cable cars.
Go snorkelling (again).
Have a no phones date night once a month.
Start learning a new language.
Visit a new country.
Run a 10k.
Give blood.
Go camping.
Watch a sunrise.
Learn to make a signature cocktail.
Learn to make/prepare sushi.
Sort our wedding album.
Drink more champagne.
Have one big blowout meal.
Go to a ballet.
Take a dance class together.
Have a winter BBQ.
Get lost somewhere.
Be in 2 places at once.
Stargaze.
Maintain the garden.
Climb Mt Snowdon.
Go to the races.
Learn to play an instrument.
Go on a horse ride.
Find a four leaf clover.
Climb a tree.
Plan and pull off a 6 course dinner.
Get a tattoo

Bonus - Break a record!!