Anxiety who?

It is never too late to be what you might have been

T.S Elliot

17 days ago I stopped taking my anxiety medication. 17 days ago I decided I wanted to feel again, to experience the highs and lows of life, to walk through life completely aware of my surroundings, embracing my emotions rather than having them numbed by medication. For 4 years I have been medicated, relying on a tiny tablet to increase the amount of serotonin in my brain, then the above quote landed in my inbox and I realised it was time to be 'me' again. 

I had already started the slow, arduous task of reducing my dose, over the last 8 months I have gone from taking 40mgs every day to 10mgs every other day to nothing. Don't get me wrong I still carry the pack around with me, even now as I sit on the sofa the knowledge that they are in my purse brings me a reassuring amount of comfort, should I need them I know they are there but I am determined to not succumb.  

The last 17 days haven't been easy, I have experienced a ridiculous amount of emotional highs and lows all of which were out of my control and yet I am still here, still determined and still going strong. 

I am excited to see what life is like without the comforting blanket of Citalopram.

She's back

Maybe she isn't the same as before but ana is back, I have failed and let her back in, what started out as a gentle whisper in my ear has now become an almost impossible to ignore voice telling me I am not good enough and the worst thing is I am starting to believe her,

The fear of not being enough is overwhelming, I have attempted to prove her wrong and every time I have succeeded only in making things worse, not just for me but those I love most too. I am scared, scared that I am not strong enough, scared that she will worm her way back into my life, scared that she is still there, scared about what will become of me. I am 29 years old for goodness sake and yet here I am sitting at a laptop with tears pouring down my face, emotionally exhausted from trying to hold it together.

I chase perfection in myself and when I don't achieve it I either exercise or stop eating. My sense of worth is so wrapped up in how 'perfect' I am (or not as the case may be) that I am destined to never succeed. I push myself to breaking point in every aspect of my life - I want to be the perfect friend, partner, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, auntie the list is endless and exhausting. To me failure is not an option, yet I seem to be messing up at every turn and all that does is prove that 'she' is correct.

I so desperately don't want her to be a part of my life, I honestly don't want to go back to the place I was, yet at the same time I honestly don't know how to stop myself being led down the all familiar path.

Fighting is exhausting, chasing perfection is exhausting.

Right now the only positive I can see is that I am aware of how I am feeling, I am determined to succeed in this battle, I have done it once so there is no reason why I can't do it again.

A return

So I'm back, after almost 5 months of not writing I have realised that I need someone to vent, to store memories, a place where I can be unapologetically me.

This year I turn 30 and my life is nowhere near how I expected it to be but I am learning that isn't such a bad thing. I am carving a new life out for myself, I know who I am and what I want out of life, now I just have to go out and get it!!

No fear

The title of this blog post is a bit of a lie, at one point I had ALL the fear....

This week I attempted climbing, after a trip to Wales and discovering just how much I love scrambling (at one point I was compared to a mountain goat which pleased me!!) climbing seemed to be the next natural progression. I have big ambitions of spending next summer in the Alps climbing, practising yoga and seeing in my 30th birthday so I have to start somewhere.

In this case somewhere is Symonds Yat rock located in the beautiful Forest of Dean. I was full of confidence convinced I would be stood at the top with no problems at all, oh how wrong I was! After a quick lesson in different knots I was strapped into a harness and off I went. The confidence I had quickly drained away climbing is bloody hard!! My first couple of attempts were a disaster - I couldn't see suitable handholds, I had absolutely no confidence in my own body strength, my brain switched off and a horrible fear crept in and consumed my body. I absailed back to the ground tears in my eyes, beyond angry at myself. Once I had 2 feet on the ground I exploded, I was furious with myself for giving up. I cried, shouted, stamped my feet, kicked rocks and refused to listen to reason - I was getting up the rock if it killed me.

We agreed to one last attempt, hunger was setting in and my muscles were ridiculously fatigued. One last try to get to the top, being stubborn I was absolutely determined I was going to make it. I set off, my hands finding holds that my eyes couldn't see, my feet appeared to stick to the rock rather than slipping away underneath me. My body was with me, my brain not so much I had some ridiculous music riff stuck in my head but it seemed to work so hey ho! The top was in reach, elated I pulled myself up and admired the view, my heart was pounding, my arms ached, my legs had acquired more bruises but I had made it!

My overwhelming belief that I can do anything I put my mind to is stronger than ever. My heart and head are working together to keep me chasing adventure and I couldn't be more excited about what the future holds.

I'm back!!

I am back! After an extended leave from this blog I am now back and raring to get going again. This year has been all sorts of crazy - my marriage broke down, I finally feel like I am in a good place with my recovery, I met someone new and I am looking for a new place to call my home.

Where to start? I don't want to go into that much detail about my marriage breakdown but I am happy now which tells me the decision was correct. Seperating is never fun no matter what the circumstances, unfortunately I have learnt the hard way  which of my friends and family support me.

Recovery is great, really really incredible. Reaching this place has been real hard work, a combination of tears, relapsing, discovering a unknown strength but it is really worth it. Recovery has opened my eyes to how wonderful life can be when I am not consummed with fear about food.

This summer has been great, a trip to Wales opened my eyes to the joys of scrambling (there is a blog post coming soon all about Wales). I have spent quality time with my family, seen friends and read a vast number of books.

Brain dump

This blog has become something of a diary to me, it is a place where I don't feel alone, to vent, to be unapologetically me. It is my own little space where I can get my thoughts out without having to descramble them or worry what anyone else might think. I have celebrated and cried over the things I have shared on this little blog. Tonight I am overwhelmed, my body is falling to pieces around me, my emotions are all over the place and worse of all ana is getting ever stronger.

Since December I have had one UTI after another annoyingly I get no symptoms so they don't show up until the GP does a urine test, I have had an awful lot of antibiotics but still they come back. I am now on antibiotics (again) to try and kill off yet another infection. I really am at the end of my tether now, I can't deal with being so run down and my body doesn't appear to be dealing with antibiotics very well. Oh fun fact - I now bruise like a peach too.

On top of the constant UTI's I have also found I'm either on the verge of tears or actually crying far too often just recently, I am an emotional person anyway (I cry when Baloo pretends to be dead in the Jungle Book!) but it is getting ridiculous now. I know I am under an incredible amount of pressure right now but there must be someway of keeping my emotions in check surely?

Where to start with ana? I'm not sure if she ever really vanished I think she was always there lurking in my brain ready for me to feel vunerable so she could strike. I know just how destructive she is yet I find myself seeking comfort in her words. I hope that being so aware means I am not heading back down the path I have already walked, that acknowledging her is a good thing. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place I have fought so bloody hard to get to where I am today and yet, perversely, I am reluctant to let her go. No wonder my head is such a tangled mess right now.....

Catch up

Wow, where does the time go? It feels like only yesterday that I sat down to write yet it was ages ago - determined to write regularly from now on though.

So where to begin? I am still waiting for my laparoscopy to be rescheduled, a uti, skin infection and 3 weeks of antibiotics have hindered progress so far but I am hoping it will be sooner rather than later, the pain and bloating has become unbearable.

I have unfortunately separated from my partner, details of which don't need to be published here. Whilst it has been a tough time I am coming out the other side.

I have been discharged from the eating disorder service, whilst I am immensly proud of myself I am also a bit scared about what the future may hold. I am determined to be strong and carry on ignoring anas faint voice.

I think that might be all for now, had lots of lovely days out just recently that I can't wait to share with you all.

Disappointed

Today I was supposed to have a laparoscopy to treat Endometriosis. Today was a day I had built up in my head, a day for answers, the start of a painfree existance. Instead the operation got cancelled, thanks to a UTI I am now back playing the waiting game.

To say I am broken hearted is an understatement, I am struggling to pick myself up and get over the disappointment if I am being completely honest.

Stupid body, stupid UTI, stupid endometriosis.

What my ED taught me

My body is incredible. Every single day I denied it food and forced it to work out yet every single day it kept me alive. My heart made sure that my blood was flowing, my lungs took in oxygen, my body made sure that I woke up every morning. At my lowest point my body never ever gave up on me, no matter how many times I gave up on it. That is pretty damn incredible in my opinion.

Thanks to my eating disorder I have met some incredible people, people who I now consider to be my friends. Friends who have always supported me, asked the right questions at the right time, understood exactly what I was going through. Whilst I never ever want to fall back into the darkest times of my ed I am grateful for the incredible people it brought into my life.

I am stronger than I ever realised. Recovery is hard - really hard, but I have never given up on myself. I make the decision to eat every day, no matter how much 'she' might be screaming at me not to. I fight a battle with myself and every day I try my best to pick the right side, I never thought I would be able to ignore her but look at me now!

There are probably a ton of other things but my brain has decided to switch off - helpful (!) so I will be updating this post regularly.

Random summer picture because I am dreaming of sunshine right now!

Poem

I found this poem on Pinterest the other evening and wanted to share it with you all, I absolutely adore it.

Silently Screaming

The last few weeks have been really tough, spending four days in hospital between Christmas and the New Year meant that I didn't start 2015 in the best possible way. Over the last 4 weeks I have had countless blood tests, scans and appointments with my GP (who fortunately is fantastic and really seems to understand my need to have answers). After being referred onto a gynaecologist things have really started to move forward now, I have been really fortunate that my local private hospital accepts NHS patients so rather than waiting for an appointment to come through I was seen within 2 weeks. My consultant is an incredible man who has vowed to get to the bottom of the pain, after 4 months of pain you can understand my relief that the end may be in sight. My consultant has already told me that he is certain the endometriosis has returned and that the only way of being sure is to go in and have a look - he has agreed to remove my appendix at the same time (over the years whenever I have had a flare up I have spent at least 24 hours on a ward being observed for appendicitis not having an appendix rules this out immediately). Whilst I am getting close to finding out the reason for the constant pain the questions keep building up.

Could I be responsible? Has my battle with an eating disorder turned my body against me? Has my body finally crumpled under the immense amount of stress I have put it under? Of course the logical part of my brain says that I haven't given myself endometriosis, that unfortunately this is just the hand I have been dealt in life, that logic doesn't help though. I have lost track of the amount of times I have cried, silently sobbing, my chest heaving and my body crumbling as I try to cope with the pain and keep on going. There is one question, a question that has been floating around my brain for a couple of years now, a question with an answer I still don't think I am strong enough to face, that of my own fertility.

Ever since I was a young girl I have always wanted to be mummy, it never crossed my mind growing up that I wouldn't be able to. Even when I was diagnosed in my early twenties I still didn't really think there would be any problems, now though is time to face up to facts. I don't have regular periods, I never have, unless I have tests done there is no way of knowing for sure that I ovulate every month. I always anticipated that when the time was right I would just get pregnant, now that seems like a ridiculous notion. I can't imagine myself having a child, I think my brain has almost blocked the idea to protect me from any possible heartache down the line. After the laparoscopy it will be time to invest my fertility, I don't know that I am in the right place to find out now but then again I don't know if I will ever be in the right place.

2015 looks like it will be the year for answers, good or bad. Whatever the outcome I will have to face facts, brush myself down and continue moving forward with my life. 

Christmas Day picture because why not?!

Don't be alone

The wonderful Big Fashionista has again collected a list of numbers and websites that may be of use over the festive period. It is because of this list that 2 years ago I was able to reach out and find the advice I so desperately needed, I am indebted to Kellie and will be forever grateful for her support. If you need an ear this Christmas then please pick up the phone and speak to someone.

The words below are all Kellies and she says it much better then me.

If you feel that you have hit rock bottom and you feel empty inside, If you can see the lights twinkling in other peoples windows, hear the laughter of your neighbours and yet you experience no joy, as if the world is a dark place in which you see no place for yourself any more. 

Or if you feel that you are ready to make a change.

I want you to pick up the phone.....

 MIND

www.mind.org.uk

0300 123 3393

Samaritans

www.samaritans.org

08457 90 90 90

Alcoholics Anonymous

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomers

0845 769 7555

Stonewall

www.stonewall.org.uk

Info line 08000 50 20 20 

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

0207 837 7324

SANELine

www.sane.org.uk

0845 767 8000

Preventing young suicide

www.papyrus-uk.org 

National self-help body for the Transgender community

BEAUMONT SOCIETY

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk

For people in Northern Ireland

www.lifeline.info

0808 808 8000

Childline

www.childline.org.uk 

0800 1111

Depressionalliance

www.depressionalliance.org

Refuge

www.refuge.org.uk

0808 2000 247

Eating Disorders Association

www.edauk.com 

0845 634 1414

Shelter

www.shelter.org.uk

0808 800 4444

NHS Direct

www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk 

0845 4647

No Panic

www.no-panic.co.uk

0808 808 0545



If you need someone, please call one of these numbers. You are NOT alone over Christmas, there are people out there that care, I care. 


I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.


Love Always

Kellie (Big Fashionista).................

www.bigfashionista.co.uk

Dying to live

Before I continue with this blog post I want you to be well aware that it may be triggering. If you are feeling vulnerable then I urge you to not carry on reading.

The past few weeks have been really hard on me and as a result I've found myself relapsing quite badly. Whilst I don't currently want to share the circumstances that have led to my current state I know that my mental well being has deteriorated because of the situation I found myself in. For me when things start spiralling out of control i find myself restricting in order to feel on top of one area of my life.

I am aware that relapsing is unfortunately part of the recovery process, that sometimes we need to go backwards in order to see the progress we have made. This time it feels different though, there was no gradual descent, instead I fell straight back into Ana's trap. Rather than taking a few steps backwards I feel like I am right back at the start again. Once again I am surviving on next to nothing, existing on coffee and diet coke, relying on an adrenaline kick to get me through hours of dancing. I am constantly exhausted, my body is craving sleep, my skin bruising at the slightest knock. I am always cold.

My therapist has been incredible, she provides a safe haven, a place where I can cry, a sanctuary to talk through my deepest darkest demons without fear of repercussions. None of this helps, I am constantly aware of the amount of people I have let down by relapsing, talking openly about my struggles doesn't make me brave it merely proves that I am human. 

Today's therapy session ended with me being told that I either fight harder than ever or I slowly kill myself. They are tough words for anyone to hear, ultimately my future will be decided by what path I decide to take now. I will fight harder than I've ever fought for anything in my life. I want a future, I want to live.

To all those people who have contacted me thanking me for helping them, I will fight this for you.

Oxford Half Marathon

Finally getting round to writing about my half marathon experience and what an experience it was!

My training in the lead up to the half was shoddy to say the least, I managed just ONE 12 mile run before hand and that was through the beautiful Blean Woods - not road as I should have been training on. I'm not entirely sure why I was so lax with the training, I always knew I could finish the half and maybe that over confidence got to me a little bit.

So race day came around, I was a bag of nerves, what the hell was I doing? The reason why I was able to complete the 10km was because I had committed to raising the money for charity, the half was a personal challenge, no sponsorship money just my own sheer determination. As I made my way to the starting line my legs were shaking and all sorts of things were going through my head, namely was I really going to be able to keep going for 13.1 miles without giving up.

The race was officially started by Sir Rodger Bannister, what an inspiration man - the race also included a lap of the track where he completed the first sub 4 minute mile. I was so far back that I couldn't hear all of what he was saying but I definitely got caught up in the occasion. The more serious runners stressed me out - they seemed so much more prepared for me, but I also knew that I wouldn't come in last (something that for some reason is very important to me). The race started and as usual I went off too quickly, 2 miles in and I was wondering what the hell I was doing, I slowed down and found my own pace that I was comfortable with.

I was lucky that I had my family spread out around the route ready to cheer me on, I will never underestimate the boost that seeing someone you know can give you.

10km came and went and I was feeling strong, I had got myself into a rhythm and I felt good, my legs were carrying me closer to the finish line, my brain was clear of everything. Then I hit 8 miles. 8 miles in and I hit the proverbial wall. Doubts came into my head, my legs were heavy, my arms could no pump me forward. I slowed down, I stopped running and walked, berating myself for giving in. There was no way I was not going to finish the race but I doubted I could carry on running. Then, like a gift from above, someone ran alongside me and encouraged me to keep going, he slowed down and set me a new pace, he told me to keep going and that I could do it.

Guess who spotted the family!!

9 miles arrived, I was back, I was running. Yes it hurt like hell, the hills were completely unexpected but I conquered them, each time feeling better than the last time. I knew the finish line was fast approaching, thanks to my trusted TomTom watch I knew I was close to completing the race in my desired time. My body took over, it knew it had to keep going. My brain started imagining what it would be like to cross the finish line.

10 miles in and I was crying, tears running down my face. The emotion came from nowhere, the niggling voice that told me I couldn't do it disappeared. I knew I could do it I knew that I was going to cross the finish line, I also knew that I had enough left in the bank to speed up.

13 miles - the end was insight, my legs kept going, a quick glance at my watch and BAM I was on for a sub 2.30 (my aim all along) I crossed the finish line in a time of 2 hours 25 minutes. I was absolutely thrilled, I knew I could have gone quicker but who cares I had completed my first half!!

Thanks have to go to the people who cheered me on and my fellow runners who kept me going, special thanks also have to go to the man at 8 miles who helped me dig deeper to find strength I didn't know existed inside me.


Since completing the half I have since agreed to run the Brighton Marathon in April for Breast Cancer Care - stay tuned for my marathon journey!!

Life

When did life get so difficult? When did it all start going wrong? These questions and many, many more have been racing round my head the past few days. At what point do you give in and admit defeat? Should you ever give in?

I am, at heart an optimist. Growing up I gave into the Disney dream - the prince, the castle, the happily ever after, what I didn't expect was that it would be so frigging hard! What is the reward for constantly battling? What was the biggest challenge a disney princess ever had to face? When did they deal with an argument, or an eating disorder or possible infertility. When life gets tough who do you look too? Where are the role models for us girls who are struggling?!

I don't want to give up on my dream of a happy ending, I maybe just have to admit that life isn't as straight forward as I was hoping it would be when I was younger. I have so much in my life to be grateful for, is in ungrateful to wish for more?

I don't have a plan, I have an idea of what I want my life to be, an inkling of the direction I want it to be going in. I guess now is the time to start moving forwards, whether that may be.

Loulou Jane

People of Lingfield rejoice! If you follow me on Twitter then you will already know how much I love a good cup of tea and coffee. After 'The Place To Meet' shut its doors I wondered if I would ever get to enjoy tea and cake on a Friday before work, now I know I can. A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across the amazing 'Loulou Jane', almost instantly I was hooked this place is just so me. 

As a nut allergy sufferer I was especially impressed at the lengths the staff went to to make sure I could enjoy a safe slice of cake - picking just one was difficult! All of the goodies on offer at Loulou Jane are homemade using locally sourced ingredients.

From the interesting decor to the scrummy looking cakes Loulou Jane has it all and then some, even down to a children's room which I am yet to experience (although I've had a couple of peeps into it)!

Having already visited twice I have to be honest and admit that I cannot wait for Friday to roll around so I can visit again.

Why?

Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to be dealt such a tough hand. Lots of people think I'm strong, that the smile on my face means I am somehow keeping myself going. That smile is my mask, my protection from the world. Then days like today happen and I crumble. The smile doesn't appear, my masks slips and my vulnerabilities come pouring out.

I wonder if it's my fault, if I'm somehow being punished. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see, I hate what I am putting my body through, I hate myself for not being stronger.

Why me? Why at this point in my life? I don't know where I'm going to end up, or even how far along I am on this journey.

The unknown terrifies me. Between the endometriosis and the polycystic ovaries I know that my body isn't in perfect working order. Add the eating disorder into the mix and I just don't know what the ultimate outcome is going to be.

This overwhelming feeling of sadness will pass I know that. Tomorrow I'll wake up, put my mask on and be ready to face the world. Tomorrow I'll be able to pretend that everything is fine, today though I feel like I'm mourning for the life I'll never know.

A final goodbye

I am completely hopeless at saying a final goodbye there will be tears - lots of them, but ultimately it is time for me to say goodbye to ana.

I know many of you will be wondering why it's taken me so long to come to this realisation, but leaving a piece of you behind is hard. Ana has been there for the incredible highs and lows that has been my life over the last 2 years. Whilst she has been the worst part of my life, in some says she has also been the best. There is no doubt in my mind that I would be a completely different person today had ana not decided to attach herself to me again.

Don't get me wrong I have not, nor will I ever, consider ana to be a friend. Friends don't destroy each other, they don't whisper negative thoughts, they don't sit by and celebrate as your life slowly disintegrates around you. It may be hard for others to understand, but ana has been a part of my identity for such a long time that closing this chapter is hard. 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with ana, I am aware she may well show herself every now and again but I don't want her to define me anymore.

Is closing the book going to be hard? You bet your life it is. Even writing this I can feel her clutching at me, desperately trying to claim what she believes is rightly hers. I don't want my life to be dictated by calories and safe food. I want to explore the world I live in without restrictions. 

With a clear head and a happy heart I bid farewell to ana, I am ready to move forwards, to embrace life.

Tom Tom

Those of you that follow me on twitter know that I have well and truly caught the running bug just recently. I'm well on target for my first big run - the Oxford half in October. I had been relying on a basic running app on my phone although recently I have been using the new Tom Tom runner cardio watch and I am in love!!

I honestly couldn't wait to get started once the watch had been delivered. It was really easy to set up and it syncs well with the tomtom app on my phone. I really like this feature as it gives more information about the runs I have completed in one easily accessible place. 

I'm always a bit dubious when purchasing a watch, I have ridiculously small wrists and always struggle to find something to fit. I didn't have to worry with the tomtom though - the strap means it fits me comfortably without the watch sliding up and down my arm. 

There are lots of features on this watch that I love - the built in heart rate monitor being one such feature. It took me a while to understand the different zones but that's more from my own lack of understanding.

I will be doing a more comprehensive round up of the watch at the end of the month but so far I am well and truly loving it!

this watch was gifted to me for review purposes, but all options are my own.

Struggling

I'm not doing so well anymore. On the surface all looks well, there is a smile on my face and I am functioning in public behind the scenes though is a completely different story. I am drowning, I feel helpless to stop what is happening to me and I have no therapy sessions until September.

I am numb, the days pass by frustratingly slowly and I complete nothing except a carefully scheduled run. My brain is running on overdrive, the thinking doesn't stop. I am overwhelmed by all the thoughts that pass through my head on a daily basis none of them providing answers just more questions. 

Food is tough, my 'safe' list is back in practice however it is more restrictive than ever before. I snack on fruit believing it to be the best thing for me, yet my constant tiredness shows me I need more nourishment. 

I am tired, tired of fighting, tired of making progress and then falling back into bad habits. I am tired of seeing the look in people's eyes when they realise I am not doing so week, tired of being weak, tired of failing, tired of letting myself down, tired of letting others down but most of all I am tired of letting her win.