Anxiety who?

It is never too late to be what you might have been

T.S Elliot

17 days ago I stopped taking my anxiety medication. 17 days ago I decided I wanted to feel again, to experience the highs and lows of life, to walk through life completely aware of my surroundings, embracing my emotions rather than having them numbed by medication. For 4 years I have been medicated, relying on a tiny tablet to increase the amount of serotonin in my brain, then the above quote landed in my inbox and I realised it was time to be 'me' again. 

I had already started the slow, arduous task of reducing my dose, over the last 8 months I have gone from taking 40mgs every day to 10mgs every other day to nothing. Don't get me wrong I still carry the pack around with me, even now as I sit on the sofa the knowledge that they are in my purse brings me a reassuring amount of comfort, should I need them I know they are there but I am determined to not succumb.  

The last 17 days haven't been easy, I have experienced a ridiculous amount of emotional highs and lows all of which were out of my control and yet I am still here, still determined and still going strong. 

I am excited to see what life is like without the comforting blanket of Citalopram.

She's back

Maybe she isn't the same as before but ana is back, I have failed and let her back in, what started out as a gentle whisper in my ear has now become an almost impossible to ignore voice telling me I am not good enough and the worst thing is I am starting to believe her,

The fear of not being enough is overwhelming, I have attempted to prove her wrong and every time I have succeeded only in making things worse, not just for me but those I love most too. I am scared, scared that I am not strong enough, scared that she will worm her way back into my life, scared that she is still there, scared about what will become of me. I am 29 years old for goodness sake and yet here I am sitting at a laptop with tears pouring down my face, emotionally exhausted from trying to hold it together.

I chase perfection in myself and when I don't achieve it I either exercise or stop eating. My sense of worth is so wrapped up in how 'perfect' I am (or not as the case may be) that I am destined to never succeed. I push myself to breaking point in every aspect of my life - I want to be the perfect friend, partner, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, auntie the list is endless and exhausting. To me failure is not an option, yet I seem to be messing up at every turn and all that does is prove that 'she' is correct.

I so desperately don't want her to be a part of my life, I honestly don't want to go back to the place I was, yet at the same time I honestly don't know how to stop myself being led down the all familiar path.

Fighting is exhausting, chasing perfection is exhausting.

Right now the only positive I can see is that I am aware of how I am feeling, I am determined to succeed in this battle, I have done it once so there is no reason why I can't do it again.

A return

So I'm back, after almost 5 months of not writing I have realised that I need someone to vent, to store memories, a place where I can be unapologetically me.

This year I turn 30 and my life is nowhere near how I expected it to be but I am learning that isn't such a bad thing. I am carving a new life out for myself, I know who I am and what I want out of life, now I just have to go out and get it!!

No fear

The title of this blog post is a bit of a lie, at one point I had ALL the fear....

This week I attempted climbing, after a trip to Wales and discovering just how much I love scrambling (at one point I was compared to a mountain goat which pleased me!!) climbing seemed to be the next natural progression. I have big ambitions of spending next summer in the Alps climbing, practising yoga and seeing in my 30th birthday so I have to start somewhere.

In this case somewhere is Symonds Yat rock located in the beautiful Forest of Dean. I was full of confidence convinced I would be stood at the top with no problems at all, oh how wrong I was! After a quick lesson in different knots I was strapped into a harness and off I went. The confidence I had quickly drained away climbing is bloody hard!! My first couple of attempts were a disaster - I couldn't see suitable handholds, I had absolutely no confidence in my own body strength, my brain switched off and a horrible fear crept in and consumed my body. I absailed back to the ground tears in my eyes, beyond angry at myself. Once I had 2 feet on the ground I exploded, I was furious with myself for giving up. I cried, shouted, stamped my feet, kicked rocks and refused to listen to reason - I was getting up the rock if it killed me.

We agreed to one last attempt, hunger was setting in and my muscles were ridiculously fatigued. One last try to get to the top, being stubborn I was absolutely determined I was going to make it. I set off, my hands finding holds that my eyes couldn't see, my feet appeared to stick to the rock rather than slipping away underneath me. My body was with me, my brain not so much I had some ridiculous music riff stuck in my head but it seemed to work so hey ho! The top was in reach, elated I pulled myself up and admired the view, my heart was pounding, my arms ached, my legs had acquired more bruises but I had made it!

My overwhelming belief that I can do anything I put my mind to is stronger than ever. My heart and head are working together to keep me chasing adventure and I couldn't be more excited about what the future holds.

I'm back!!

I am back! After an extended leave from this blog I am now back and raring to get going again. This year has been all sorts of crazy - my marriage broke down, I finally feel like I am in a good place with my recovery, I met someone new and I am looking for a new place to call my home.

Where to start? I don't want to go into that much detail about my marriage breakdown but I am happy now which tells me the decision was correct. Seperating is never fun no matter what the circumstances, unfortunately I have learnt the hard way  which of my friends and family support me.

Recovery is great, really really incredible. Reaching this place has been real hard work, a combination of tears, relapsing, discovering a unknown strength but it is really worth it. Recovery has opened my eyes to how wonderful life can be when I am not consummed with fear about food.

This summer has been great, a trip to Wales opened my eyes to the joys of scrambling (there is a blog post coming soon all about Wales). I have spent quality time with my family, seen friends and read a vast number of books.

Brain dump

This blog has become something of a diary to me, it is a place where I don't feel alone, to vent, to be unapologetically me. It is my own little space where I can get my thoughts out without having to descramble them or worry what anyone else might think. I have celebrated and cried over the things I have shared on this little blog. Tonight I am overwhelmed, my body is falling to pieces around me, my emotions are all over the place and worse of all ana is getting ever stronger.

Since December I have had one UTI after another annoyingly I get no symptoms so they don't show up until the GP does a urine test, I have had an awful lot of antibiotics but still they come back. I am now on antibiotics (again) to try and kill off yet another infection. I really am at the end of my tether now, I can't deal with being so run down and my body doesn't appear to be dealing with antibiotics very well. Oh fun fact - I now bruise like a peach too.

On top of the constant UTI's I have also found I'm either on the verge of tears or actually crying far too often just recently, I am an emotional person anyway (I cry when Baloo pretends to be dead in the Jungle Book!) but it is getting ridiculous now. I know I am under an incredible amount of pressure right now but there must be someway of keeping my emotions in check surely?

Where to start with ana? I'm not sure if she ever really vanished I think she was always there lurking in my brain ready for me to feel vunerable so she could strike. I know just how destructive she is yet I find myself seeking comfort in her words. I hope that being so aware means I am not heading back down the path I have already walked, that acknowledging her is a good thing. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place I have fought so bloody hard to get to where I am today and yet, perversely, I am reluctant to let her go. No wonder my head is such a tangled mess right now.....

Catch up

Wow, where does the time go? It feels like only yesterday that I sat down to write yet it was ages ago - determined to write regularly from now on though.

So where to begin? I am still waiting for my laparoscopy to be rescheduled, a uti, skin infection and 3 weeks of antibiotics have hindered progress so far but I am hoping it will be sooner rather than later, the pain and bloating has become unbearable.

I have unfortunately separated from my partner, details of which don't need to be published here. Whilst it has been a tough time I am coming out the other side.

I have been discharged from the eating disorder service, whilst I am immensly proud of myself I am also a bit scared about what the future may hold. I am determined to be strong and carry on ignoring anas faint voice.

I think that might be all for now, had lots of lovely days out just recently that I can't wait to share with you all.